It's hard for me to form relationships of any kind. I always distance myself out of fear. When will they inevitably get bored of me and leave me. Tossed out like a child's old toy. It's horrible of me to assume such things I do truly care for them. I just can't get the nagging voice that assures me that I'm wrong. They pity you, they're only being nice out of obligation. It stings and I just can't help but wonder when this paranoid little girl will finally grow up.
It's happened many times in the past. I've been used, abused, then abandoned. Left to pick myself up with no explanation of what I did wrong. I'm undeserving of the friendship, of love. I know that's not true and I tell myself. I need to change and allow myself to be loved. I also need to love myself. I fear that people are always gonna want something from me. I'm tired and don't have much left to give. There are things I'm not willing to give lightly.
Consent. It's very important to me and it's hard. I find it hard to think that anyone could consent to loving me. I'm full of flaws and so very broken. I'm a used toy who doesn't have the energy to play any longer. I'm worn and torn, skeptical of everything and everyone. It's an irrational fear that grew out of necessity but isn't warranted any longer.
I don't want to be left behind anymore. Remembered only as the weird shy girl who was kind but never spoke up. Afraid of everything and believing in nothing. I have no plans for the future but an existence of obligation. What is my purpose? Am I only here as a crude shell of a defective human. Why does the concept of even smiling bring a pit to my stomach?
Fack. A Lot of the time when I was younger I faced people with a smile. Even when they despised me and hated me. No one likes someone who's sad all the time. It's proven time and time again. I'm Eeyore without the hundred acre woods. Alone with my blown down house that is my mind. Insanity is repeatedly making the same mistakes and expecting the outcome to be different. So if I know this and acknowledge it why can't I stop.
Repeating the same decision over and over is madness, yet it's a comfortable madness. It's familiar. I know the outcome and I'm not surprised. If I ask someone to hug me the result is usually positive. If I tell some there pretty, the outcome is positive. I tell a self deprecating joke and people laugh… until they don't. I've come to find out that it doesn't work on everyone. Some people get offended for one reason or another. I kinda get it yet…