In Our Bitterness
We can not read minds, we can only relate
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It was 2019, when I first moved to you. Things since then started turning back on me. I looked all around, purchase everything that could possible. But few kilometres remained as thousands miles. It started getting closer. Closer with each breath and possibilities. Even after some exhales, we were able to gather air. We saved it between us. Until we realise the little distance only filled with air was never negligible.
"Whom should I tell? JUST TELL ME. I GOT NO ONE. I never got anyone. I-I-" Williamson hanged up the call and wiped his tears. He could no longer hold it. He decided last night that he is going to share those with Tom Latham. But he could only tell a few lines. He went to the washroom and splashed water on his mouth while thinking he had a lot of work to do.
Sometimes, I feel like I am vanishing from my place. I never had a home. My existence could let me realise I only deserve to stay. Nobody cares about mine. Even after saying every life is precious. The mistakes I have made all over the years have tightened me with implausible. The longer I tried to break, the worse it became. I survived the torment. Everywhere I looked, I watched those with impactful stages having lights. And their shadows have been changed. I never saw the caution to feel pain. Greats placed hold great lives. Even after people made it, they made it by a name. The worst possibility always lies within the pursuit of determination of comfort. I saw those. They had never been old to me. When I had known Hazy had an intention for Philippe, I faced it for the fifth time. I always counted it as my worst point of life. I always wanted someone, for whom would change everything. I counted him as the person, even if it was Hazy who fell in love first. But I learned to live a life after having him beside me. But I never wished my life to be the same as it always was. I don't know if I wished so much. What could I do? I don't have anyone beside me. Not even professinally. It's only a week passed since I again and again and again lost another World Cup trophy. I could not describe how I felt when I came back in the dressing room after losing. I saw him standing only because he should. I had him literally first time on the t20 World Cup. I passed it all alone. I packed my staff and left then.
I can not sleep at night. Even after having him beside, I feel the emptiness. I suddenly remembered the things I should forget. The profession was always there between my heart. Why is he always willing to add some more? While thinking, I suddenly feel the warm sunlight on my face. Maybe I forgot to cover the windows. I got up from the bed and covered it. I just don't want to come back. I want to forget the things and throw it out from my mind, but some unseen barrier halted me from the deeds that always remained in my wish list.
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"So, what now? You can't ask for divorce. You can not ask for fixing the shit. You just pass the time like vacation. It's not how the marriage life should be. You got to fix it no matter what. Hazy, look at me. I told you that time to leave him. From the very biggening of your wedding, I knew there was something. You know what, it was a lot way better to choose Philippe over Williamson. Thanks me any day."
Josh Hazlewood could not erase the lines from his head. He never loved Philippe. How can he sow the seed of the tree that he is never going to water. He decided not to argue with Starc as he had had enough from him. All the alone time he thought they were right, but the very corner of his mind all the time asked for a little wish, which he never can deny.
I saw the version of you burning alongside, but I never asked for help. I heard the shouting breaking the doors but no sound. Whenever I asked for the reason, I never saw you telling me the truth. I never had the version of you sharing the unbearable past with me. Only describing a scenario can not help anyone to give certain feedback. A smile, a fucking smile was always there for me, floating on your face. It was holding all the grudge, all the pain at the same time. If I say it is okay, why will it always be okay? When I was taking the attempt to leave you, why did you never take any attempt to demolish it? Whenever I went out of my mind, it crossed the limit and I got myself back on the track. I might not be able to hear you calling my name out. I do feel what was even my fault? If I ever made a mistake choosing you, I am willing to do it again. And there comes a thing that binds me with a cave, where we found darkness. But it's true I never leave you. We can not read minds, we can only relate. There is always you with the past covering the love towards me. And there was always me, asking to see. I never loved anyone after having you. Alike you I saw the thing in your eyes, too. Maybe it was a mistake to take it in a wrong way. And it is a mistake to you to do that again. I tryna figure it out in every possible way and each time I feel the air between us. Pressuring, sometimes relieving. Isn't it a life's lesson- fix it how should it be? We never tried to change the air. We never tried to close the gap. The tiny thing kep us aside and throw us apart. The more we think, the worst it becomes.
"Hazy, I-I don't want it. I might be unable to bring happiness in your life. But I still want the opportunity to keep it between us."
I was so silly asking for the chance. But Latham had made me clear. He said I should. Whatever it takes, I wanted it. In the worst possible way, I will pick it up. No matter what it costs.
I was counting the seconds it took, showing any feedback. I knew he wouldn't let go of me easily. Since the day in his pub, I learned how to equip each betterment. I count the failures. But I had all the possibilities. And I kept it in the empty place.
"I know. Since last year, I've noticed all of your changes. And I actually believe it. It's okay."
I was a fool throughout the entire journey. I knew I went I a wrong way with all the regressions I saved in. But in the end, it has turned up on me more than it was before. Then I got to know how it feels like with having no regression. And I turned the way down for giving him the thing I always wanted. And at last, I found us between the air, finally closed.
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