The alley behind the adventurer guild was narrower than Hans liked, smelling like a dumpster had been left open in the summer sun.
The rusted iron grate covering the sewer entrance was chained shut—except one link had clearly been yanked apart, probably by some reckless adventurer before them.
Hans knelt to inspect the grate. "Well, looks like the sewer rats have had visitors already. Not exactly the welcoming committee."
From behind him, Hetzer stomped up and gave the grate a solid kick. "Hetzer says, 'No one out-rats Hetzer!'" The grate clanged open, echoing like a bad war drum.
Hans grimaced as a putrid cloud of stench rolled out, a vile mix of stagnant water, waste, and something disturbingly meaty. He gagged, covering his nose. "This smells like the logistics depot after a chemical spill… and then some."
But Hetzer took a deep breath and smiled contentedly, headlights flickering on from her head like a pair of miniature searchlights.
"Hetzer thinks, 'Ahh, smells just like home… if home was blasted into ruin and then forgotten.'"
Hans gave her a sideways look that said what even are you? "You have a very broken definition of 'home.' And from where did those headlights come from?"
Hetzer puffed up proudly. "Hetzer always prepares for darkness! Enemy rats won't hide from Hetzer's eyes."
Hans shook his head but didn't argue. He sloshed down into the ankle-deep sewer sludge. While Hetzer followed behind him.
"Anyways I suppose you have my gas masks as well?" Hans asked almost nonchalantly.
"Sure commander Hetzer has them." She handed Hans a gasmask she pulled out of nowhere.
After wearing the mask, Hans could once again breathe freely. After a long breath, he reached for his Walther P38, finally glad for a chance to draw it outside. After all tank commanders don't use guns often.
"Time to clean house."
Hetzer at first reached into what looked like thin air—then, with a faint whoosh, pulled a massive 75mm kwk Pak 39 L/48 cannon from a seemingly impossible void, holding it with surprising ease.
Hans blinked in disbelief. "Huh, you can even pull that—? Wait, put that back! You'll bring the whole sewer down."
Hetzer crossed her arms, pouting like a child denied dessert. "Hetzer obeys the Oberleutnant. But the Oberleutnant is no fun."
With a flourish, she shoved the cannon back into the void, which closed like a magic portal.
Then she pulled out a sleek 7.92mm MG 34 panzerlauf, much more manageable for sewer rat combat.
Hans exhaled, relief washing over him. "That's… much better. Less chance of turning the sewers into rubble."
"Hetzer replies, 'Mission accepted!'" She grinned, her headlights glowing brighter as they ventured deeper into the muck.
"Was zum Teufel— Where were you even keeping that?!" Hans sputtered, gesturing wildly at the space around her. "You can't just—shove artillery into the void!"
Hetzer grinned, patting the machine gun affectionately. "A girl's gotta have options, ja?" She winked. "Besides, you said no boom-boom. So now we do brrrrrrt instead!" She mimed firing the MG34 with alarming enthusiasm, nearly taking out a suspiciously moist chunk of sewer wall.
Hans instinctively ducked. "NEIN— Do not go on a shooting spree in an enclosed space! Especially not with live ammunition!"
Hetzer pouted again, hugging the MG34 to her chest like a child denied candy. "Aber... brrrrrt is fun."
Hans pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering if the real mission was surviving his own tank. "Just… point it at the enemy, not the architecture."
"Zu befehl, Herr Kommandant!" Hetzer chirped, spinning on her heel—only to immediately trip on a loose brick and faceplant into the sludge with a wet splorch.
Hans stared.
Hetzer lifted her head, sludge dripping from her face, and grinned. "Huh. Tastes like Erbsensuppe."
Hans groaned. "Gott im Himmel, I am never getting used to you."
Hetzer sprang back up, completely unfazed, and slung the MG34 over her shoulder like a purse. "Eeeeexcellent! Then surprise mode stays activated!"
Somewhere in the distance, a sewer rat squeaked in terror.
Hans sighed, resigned to his fate. "Komm schon. Let's just find whatever's making that meaty smell before it finds us."
Hetzer gasped, eyes sparkling. "Ooooh! Maybe it's cow fat to keep my engines greezed!"
Hans didn't have the heart to tell her it was probably something much worse.
And so, with a torch in one hand and a prayer in his heart, Hans trudged forward—his tiny, heavily armed gremlin of a tank following happily behind him.
The lights cast grotesque shadows against the damp sewer walls as Hans and Hetzer moved cautiously forward. Every drip echoed like distant gunfire, every scuttle made Hans's grip tighten on his Walther P38.
"Ten giant rats, huh," Hans muttered, voice low. "Should be straightforward enough—if they don't eat us first."
Hetzer's headlights bobbed excitedly. "Hetzer says, 'Rats are just big mice. Easy prey!'"
Hans snorted. "Yeah well, definitely not as scary as Stalin's monsters."
Suddenly, a wet squelch echoed ahead, followed by a low, guttural squeak that made Hans's heart leap. He raised his pistol.
"Rats. Giant ones. Stay sharp." He motioned to Hetzer.
Without hesitation, Hetzer crouched behind a broken pipe, lifting the MG34 with practiced ease. "Hetzer says, 'I've got the big brrrrrt ready!'"
From the shadows, a hulking shape slithered into the torchlight—dark fur matted, eyes glowing faintly red. The first giant rat. Bigger than a dog, teeth gnashing like a rusty saw blade.
The rat bared its yellowed fangs and charged—an unholy blur of fur and filth.
Hans fired twice. One shot went wide, the second caught the creature in the shoulder, but it only made it screech louder. It barreled forward, undeterred.
"Jetzt!" he shouted.
"Brrrrrt time!" Hetzer yelled gleefully. She unleashed a short, controlled burst from the MG34. The 7.92X57mm Mauser bullets ripped into the rat's side with a wet thwack-thwack-thwack, sending it skidding across the sewer floor in a spasming heap.
Hans stepped forward, pistol still trained on the twitching body. He prodded it with his boot.
Dead.
He let out a breath as he cut the tail of the animal with his bayonet and handed it over to Hetzer. "One down."
Hetzer pumped a fist in the air. "Nine more to go! Hetzer is unstoppable!" She took the tail and tucked it into the void.
Something splashed behind them.
Hans spun around, weapon raised—just in time to see two more shapes darting across the far edge of the tunnel.
One disappeared into the muck, the other scrambled up the wall like a furry spider and vanished into a drainage pipe.
Hans scowled. "They're testing us."
Hetzer nodded sagely. "Rats are clever. But Hetzer is clever-er-er!"
Hans opened his mouth to argue the grammar, then stopped himself. Not worth it.
They pressed on, deeper into the tunnels.
The silence after the first rat's demise felt heavy, broken only by the drip-drip of condensation and Hetzer humming a tuneless Panzerlied. Hans scanned the intersecting tunnels, Walther steady.
"Nine left. Stay focused. They're testing flanks now," he muttered, wiping sludge from his gas mask lens.
"Hetzer says flanking is for cowards! Real enemies charge the frontal armor!" She puffed out her chest, MG34 held at a jaunty angle that nearly scraped the ceiling. Her headlights flickered over scuttling shadows deeper in the main tunnel.
A wet skitter echoed from the left pipe. Then another from the right. Then a chorus of guttural squeaks from straight ahead.
"JAWOLL! BRRRRRT INBOUND!" Hetzer bellowed, swinging the MG34 towards the main tunnel shadows.
She unleashed a deafening, 3-second burst. Muzzle flash lit the sewer like lightning, incendiary tracer bullets chewing brickwork and churning the sludge.
Two massive, furred shapes tumbled out of the darkness, shrieking – one missing a leg, the other peppered with holes. They thrashed in the muck.
"Two down! Seven!" Hans called, already pivoting.
From the left pipe, a rat the size of a wolfhound lunged, jaws snapping where his neck had been a second before. He fired instinctively – crack! – the round punching through its open mouth. It collapsed mid-leap.
Crack! Crack! Two quick shots from Hans silenced the thrashing wounded rats in the center. "Three and Four confirmed!"
"FIVE!" Hetzer yelled triumphantly. Hans spun to see her gleefully pumping rounds into a fourth rat that had tried creeping along the ceiling above the right pipe.
It fell with a wet splat. "Ceiling rat! Sneaky! But not sneaky enough for Hetzer's... uh... metaphorical ceiling eyes!"