In any case, it's probably best to refocus on the matter at hand and—once and for all—draw this little but increasingly unproductive gathering to a close. Recess could end any minute, and I've yet to properly scout this institution's layout.
Although, technically speaking, I could always postpone that little tour for later. There's still the second recess, after all; I'd prefer, however, to at least identify one place—just one—where I can sit quietly without being surrounded by noise or passing crowds.
Maybe one of those back stairwells nobody uses unless they're sneaking off somewhere? I hope I don't came across a creepy-looking outcast having lunch in there. I would feel sorry as much as "Goddam it, he took my spot."
«Well, uh, not to interrupt, but... didn't you two have something to ask me?» I steered the conversation back to its original purpose.
Both girls halted their debate mid-sentence, turning synchronized stares in my direction. Lissa recovered first with a half-apologetic smile, all breezy contrition: «Ah, right! Sorry, we got sidetracked by nonsense. Go ahead, Reimi.»
«...Hah?» Reimi's voice spiked, flustered.
«Ask him.»
«Wha—Why me? You do it! You're the one who practically dragged me into this situation to begin with. Why are you pushing me?[1]»
«But isn't it Reimi who is good at talking about these things? You can always be relied on when it matters most!»
«Better how, exactly? Talking to guys? Pfft! That's so funny. You're the one who's always chatting with a bunch of them like it's no big deal, so which one of us is it?»
«Huh?! What's that supposed to—Hey...!»
I caught Lissa flicking a glance at me, unanticipatedly timid, as she physically dialed down her friend's volume with a hand. Not that it helped; they were still right beside me: «I just think—»
«—that I'm conventionally the know-it-all friend that could resolve any problem, and wouldn't that be easier to let me embarrass myself? Thanks ever so.»
«What? No, that's not what I meant. Come on, please, Reimi! We both know you've got this.»
«"Got this," you say... I really, really don't get why you're so cagey about asking what you've been nagging me about this non-stop. If you don't mind explaining, why is that sudden change of mind?»
«I know, but... it's just... Ugh, come here, come!» Instead of elaborating, she sighed and hooked a finger, pulling Reimi in to whisper. Though first, she sheepishly motioned for me to step back.
A few seconds of hissed debate later—or rather, once the sound of Reimi's joint-cracking annoyance subsided—Her voice turned sly: «Pretty sure he's already figured it out with that attitude. You're that nervous... over that?»
«...Mmm,» Lissa looked away, expression trapped between pout and self-disappointment.
«Ehhhhh? You're kidding, right?!»
«No, listen—»
«That's literally the dumbest—»
«Just—!»
«My, that's unbelievable! To be involved in this.»
«Just listeeeen...!» She tearfully begged.
«Nop, you're hopeless, to worry about such a thing. Althought..... Agggh! I guess I have no other option. Gosh... I'll do it, okay?» Exclaimed Reimi, visibly fed up, putting away her phone with a gesture of restrained vexation.
«But you know what?! Buy me something. You owe me now, so... something that's cute could be pretty good or, uhmm... No, thinking about it, it's been a while since I last had this craving. You remember? I told you before, didn't I?»
«Uhm, w-what thing?»
«Hmmm, Binggrae, right?[2]
«Eeekk!!!!!»
«Yes, that's it! I really feel like eating it right now. So buy it for me, okay? Later, for sure!»
«Ehhhhh?! But, you know I gotta order it online!»
«Don't care, that's your job.[3]»
«Owww, I get it, jeez...[4] Yeah, I can do that. So, are you still with that specific rare taste, right? The banana one?»
«I'll take whatever; except from that one. Banana's gross now, and I'm not in a extremely sugary mood. Maybe the original or the chocola—No, forget it! If you choose one that I don't like, then I won't assist you anymore. No, I'll hate you.»
«Cruel... But, thanks〜♡.[5]»
Thus, having apparently concluded their negotiations, Reimi finally turned to face me properly, crossing her arms in a gesture that it's quite intimidating for its barely-concealed acerbity playing at the corners of her mouth: «Hey, Nakamura. We wanted to ask you something.»
Restraining any hint of nervous energy—or perhaps stubbornly masking it under the guise of composure—I reaffirmed: «Well, go ahead then.»
«Why didn't you show up to our meetup?»
«...Meetup?» I interjected.
«Yes! Meetup!» She threw back. «You practically, or quite literally, ghosted us, you know? We tried reaching out at the time, but you weren't replying—or if you did, it was way too late to be of any use. So naturally, we figured you were just brushing us off. What happened? That's what we want to know.»
«Mm-hmm.»
Lissa's only contribution was a brief, hushed murmur accompanied by a slight nod; her eyes bore into me with no trace of resentment, only mid-dissection curiosity. Reimi, on the other hand, in a fit of pique, raised an eyebrow waiting for a clear explanation.
Circling back to the issue now laid out in front of me, I couldn't, in good faith, say I had any idea what they were referring to with this "meetup" they seemed so adamant about. I mean, of course I knew—but also, not really. Let's not kid ourselves here. I was playing dumb, obviously.
It likely connected to that vague mention Kaito made once, in passing, about some casual hangout. From what I could piece together, I'd apparently gone out maybe once or twice with a few girls from school during the first stretch of this strange second-life scenario.
Those interactions, however, had been so fragmented and void of emotional or mental imprint that they might as well have been someone else's memories entirely.
Wait. Hold on—Could it be that these were the same girls Kaito had told me I'd supposedly arranged to meet that day? They are, aren't they? Oh, God, what a crock of shit.
Given how I haven't been keeping up with chats or group messages lately—by choice, I might add—it wouldn't surprise me if I had overlooked a couple of scheduled plans here and there. But again, that wasn't some negligent accident. It was a conscious decision.
I'd made it my unofficial policy not to spend time with people who, to me, still qualified as strangers until I had at least re-acquainted myself with them face-to-face. However, would they understand that? That's highly unlikely, and everybody knows it.
Naturally, I could already anticipate how a move like that might create a few social ripples among Nakamura's circle of friends. Was that my problem? Not even slightly. Would it have an effect? Possibly, but I wasn't in any rush to care about that either.
In fact, who the hell are these two, really?
I mean yes—now I recognize them. Now, after this entire social charade, their names are officially filed into my working memory. Their general attitudes, too—one more blunt than the other, both persistent to a fault. What were they like before, how did I meet them, or when did we start talking? Absolutely no clue.
Nonetheless, I'm in this predicament; Honestly, I wasn't keen on digging myself deeper into social dynamics built on faulty memory scaffolding. Especially not with people this stubborn—people who, if given half the chance, would probably rope me into another outing every time the clock hit a round number.
...Though perhaps I was being contrary just for the sake of it. Is that what this is? A psychological thing? Am I really just that much of a miserable case? Even so, I couldn't help but ask myself: how many other plans like this had I quietly sidestepped?
You know what's funny? I didn't even know when this infamous plan was supposed to have happened. Were they talking about something over Christmas break? A casual get-together around New Year's? Or some random day after that?
Wait—yes! That sounds more logical, doesn't it?
After all, I was "awake"; I practically found myself "alive" during the winter holidays. So if this gathering took place somewhere in that hazy period when I was still getting my bearings, then it's reasonable that I didn't attend!
«Uhm, hello? Are you going to respond? Stop staring at nothing waiting for an excuse to form in your head.»
«Wha—? No, it's not like that.» Well, shit, you guys making my life difficult with your demands. Let me formulate a credible response: «It's just... these past few days got complicated. "Occupied" sums it up, I guess,» I continued coyly.
«"Occupied"...D-Do you have a job?» Lissa asked, somewhat impressed.
«Not—not legally, obviously. I'm still underage. By "busy" I mean, well, I was just helping my mother with some things at home. You know how it usually is: they ask you to do various things at random. One minute I'm doing the weekly shopping, the next I'm rearranging the furniture and then it's my turn to clean the bathroom. It's like a never-ending to-do list; I'm totally overwhelmed.»
Once again, recycling that tired excuse—I hated how instinctively it came out. I really wasn't sure how long I could keep stacking lies like this before they collapsed under their own weight.
However, that should have landed well enough. It was flawless, and everybody hates chores so... no one questions, right?
A hum of consideration: the kind that preceded polite but merciless: «Okay, I understand you were busy with housework, I won't deny it. But, I guess that doesn't mean you couldn't have warned us, though, does it?»
«Exactly, that doesn't make sense,» the interjection came with her finger drumming unceasingly and a sneer, punctuated by the rhythmic tap of a loafer against tarmac.
Despite the careful scaffolding of my little narrative, they had already begun poking holes in it. Straightening up, summoning every ounce of performative sincerity, I doubled down:
«Normally yes, I get that. Honestly. But in my case, it felt more like a personal duty—I mean, to be there for her this past week. My mom works pretty late, and I just… I figured I'd take the holidays to be with her, you know? Usually she spends those days alone—just her and me in the house. I didn't want her feeling like she was still alone.»
«Ohhh, I see,» Lissa caught on, «so there's no problem with that. But... Well, it's a bit strange because our meetup wasn't in December, we arranged it to be after that, Nakamura-kun.»
«See, I told you.[6]»
Okay, this isn't good anymore. I fucked up real bad now. I should kill myself.
«W-Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight!» I said uneasily; the malaise in my voice betrayed my lack of control over the situation. The way things were going, I had no choice but to think of something, and fast: «A-Aside from that—»
«Oh please. What kind of bullshit are you gonna throw at us now?»
«Oop, Reimi...?»
«Lissa? Are you... I'm sorry but, really? That stammering is totally out of character. It's so obvious he's lying.»
A sigh laced with secondhand embarrassment, then redirected her gaze to me: «You're allergic to honesty, huh? Why? Why is that? I'm morbidly curious, but let's table that. You could... I don't know, you could have just said you didn't want to go that day, Nakamura. If you'd lost interest, a simple message saying you wouldn't go would have sufficed. But you didn't even do that. That's too suspicious.»
Peripheral vision caught movement—just a handful, maybe three pairs of students slowing their pace, ears practically twitching at the spectacle of public reprimand I was receiving.
«It's up to you whether you speak up or not, because it was actually Lissa who was asking why you didn't show up. I was getting tired of hearing it all the time.»
«H-Hold on...! [7]Well, yeah,» she quipped, being caught by blindside.
«Still, we're not asking for a signed affidavit, right? Just the bare minimum of human decency,» she added, in a curt but not unpleasant tone.
In conjunction with the messages that appeared on my phone, which included Kaito's, it would not be surprising to think that Takumi didn't feel like going out.
My reply to the seven people who had sent me messages was brief and impersonal, though—certainly—accompanied by a great deal of detachment: [Happy New Year to you too, I hope we'll keep in touch this year!]
Then there were those who followed the conversation. Naturally I would answer them in a way that they would not suspect it was someone else—considering the style of how the real one spoke by referring to his previous messages as a guide.
At times, I leaned too hard into the mundane; in the end, I told them I needed to sleep, and once I disconnected, I never replied again. And yes: the message of an outgoing I remember did appear to me, when I was snooping through Takumi's chats.
I could've figured out the date of that meetup, since it wasn't mentioned in any messages—so I assumed it was discussed in person. Pretty old-fashioned, don't you think? Even so, I refused to join. Cowardly and faint-hearted of me, I know.
Likewise, when they inevitably notified me of my non-attendance, I didn't reply to them right away either. In fact, I didn't respond at all. Not for any profound reason, no—but out of sheer negligence. I admit it, for once: I completely forgot to do it, sorry.
After my failed endeavor to reach out to people I truly knew, I stopped paying attention to my phone or surroundings in general. Honestly, my mind was elsewhere.
During the days that I eased into the new house I was content to lie in bed and pass the time chatting with my mother—who, with each exchange of words, almost magically helped me become more fluent in speech; at least something productive came out of my isolation.
However, it is notable to note that I also had zero, if any, encouragement to do anything that entailed going out, walking, or playing with people of any age. And it was a totally self-imposed restriction.
Did I feel any discomfort? It wasn't a case of seriousness, more like a great lack of entertainment, possibly a feeling of recession to exploration because of this disgusting transmigration.
And right now I don't feel predisposed to keep making up excuses or spinning stories that won't help me in this new life. What's the point? They will think badly of me, or they may even misinterpret my family conditions as miserable.
But the raw truth—"My bad, shawty, I was too busy mourning my own existence to care about your plans"—wasn't exactly social lubricant I can afford either.
So it's best to speak subtly, tread carefully, and weigh my words with calibrated neutrality for each on of these girls. Keep a bit of distance but not icy, I guess. Apologetic without self-flagellation—but without overdoing it.
However, just as I was about to voice my thoughts, the unmistakable tinkling of the bell broke the moment, ribbing and marking the end of the break.
«Ohh...Yes-yes, break's over. Well, shall we head back?[8]» Reimi interposed, flipping her hair back as a model from a commercial, acting nonchalantly like she hadn't just been grilling me seconds ago.
«What? No, wait—can you hold on a sec?» She demanded, a bit more sharply than usual. Then, facing me with a softer, steadier voice: «Nakamura-kun… are you going to say something now?»
«Oh, yeah—that. That's what I was going to say; although, looking back at him... Well? If you're going to shirk your duties, can you at least not make us stand there like idiots waiting for an answer? Put yourself in our shoes while we're waiting. We don't have time for this.»
«Reimi, I think you're going to make him more uncomfortable than necessary and, ultimately, won't talk anything at all.»
Uncontrollably, she shot up her eyebrows, and the voice ricocheting between mock-offense and genuine irritation: «Huh, what? Lil ol' me? Uhm, are you talking about me? You've got to be kidding me, HAHAHAHA! [9]No way, you're seriously treating him like a baby, which is incredibly fucking annoying, Lissa.»
«There's no need to make such a big fuss.»
«You're acting like he's made of glass.»
«Even if he's not that fragile, it's clearly something's bothering him. Can't you tell? He's not ignoring us, he's just seems rather... tangled up, or confused.»
«I don't care, since I've been patient. And, in any case, we've got classes! He hasn't even said a word, and believe me, it would suck to be late on the first day back of our "Third Semester"! Don't forget that Tachibana-sensei is next, and she's going to skin us alive if we're not in our seats in the next five minutes.»
«True, but still...» Lissa shifted closer to me, her tone now dipped in concern. «I don't want to leave him like this either. Look at him! Wh-What if... What if we're the only people he trusts enough to talk to? Heh, uhm, n-não sei..»
Glancing sideways, I could see her fizzling out the seriousness of her comment and laughing at her excessively lenient attitude. Honestly, I'd mock at my own reliance to being helped pitifully like this, too. Because, what is this situation? It's beyond embarrassing.
«Haha, what was that? That's corny. You're as piteous as him—It's irremediable. Jeez, if he continues to be silent, we'll just have to do zazen and wait for the roll call to call us late, won't we?»
«I don't know anymore. You always do this.»
«Do what?»
«Make it hard to argue with you when you talk like that.»
«Yes, you're right,» I muttered at last.
«Haa~a??![10]»
And with that, both of them, after a brief exchange, chose to stop arguing and, for once, focus on me in this fleeting moment of revelation:
«Listen... First of all, I would like to apologize.»
I gave a small, textbook-perfect bow—the kind I'd seen salarymen do to their bosses. This was how people here did it, right? Is it too stiff? But in this context, any attempt at sincerity would be seen as good behaviour. In any case, I just hoped it didn't come off weird.
«"Apologize"? So, after all, you were lying to us, right?»
«Yeah,» I admitted without resistance.
«Ahh, I knew it. That's so lame! Trying to dodge responsibility, really stupid. Well?! What kind of excuse are you going to pull out this time, huh?[11]»
«I'm not here to make excuses anymore—nor to justify what I did. I just want to say I'm sorry for lying to you guys. And… well, it's not like I lost interest in the plan that day. It was more like… a total, crushing lack of motivation to do anything.»
«So, uh... you got bored? That was the reason?»
I gave her a vague, half-formed look: «You could call it that, I guess—but! But it wouldn't be accurate. I was just... completely drained.»
«Is that so? You were feeling down?» Lissa's voice was gentle—more concerned than accusing.
«No, no—don't get the wrong idea!» I waved it off, a bit too quickly.
Redundant as it sounds, and disassociating myself from this confession, I don't think Takumi would have so many problems to be afflicted nor would he have much trouble dealing with some anxieties. Or at least, that's the flimsy theory I cling to.
I let out a soft laugh, shrugging as I spoke: «It wasn't sadness—there wasn't really anything to be sad about. Nothing happened. I just felt... unmotivated. For no reason I could name.»
«Okay, I get that,» Reimi nodded. «But what about your mom? Were you seriously using her as some sort of excuse—saying she was lonely? That's just gross.»
«Yeah. I shouldn't have dragged her into it. That was uncalled for—rude, honestly. But I didn't know what else to say. I had no choice.»
Analysing my position, it is very crude to have to reflect right now on the inconvenience I caused and not to have done so beforehand.
However, my own desire was not to get out of this situation immediately—even though I declared it—because I specifically raised it in order not to be submerged in a hindrance that I did not cause in a direct way.
Since these two girls informed me of a clearly discourteous event, now my next alternative was to try not to sound like a total bastard. Therefore, using my mother's appellation in an unsuccessful way provoked an unnecessary connection to my supposed sadness.
And this decision made me a regretful person, for the reason that I hadn't devised something else to support my subterfuges; what a lousy disposition.
I should, on this occasion, devise a case that is understandably justifiable, but not so overflowing in my words that I might become a total spurious—again.
Although... while I've prattled on about detached behaviour from people who have nothing to do with this shit: Would I still try to keep up with this scrap of fiction?
I could blame a million things—say I was robbed, kidnapped, or allergic to joy. But the truth is murkier than that. There's always this grey zone I fall into; and it wasn't quite sadness, not boredom, not even anxiety. Just this weird, flavorless version of life where nothing compels me to move.
"It was nothing." Yes—nothing! "Nothing to worry about." Because, ultimately, there was nothing to even care about. What's the point of bother someone else's inconvenience when they clearly stated that it was "nothing"? The phrase was a dismissal, a social kill-switch: Leave me the hell alone. Shouldn't that be obvious?
But no—of course it wasn't enough. What was I meant to confess? Really, what the fuck do I need to say if my currect circumstance will make me look like a total nutcase, hallucinatory, childish freak? Another excuse, was that the currency they demanded for my freedom?!
«Ignoring wasn't a good option, and avoiding the real thing wouldn't even work in the first place; so... even though lying might be worse, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. And that my mom's pretext was only impulsive, it's just a decision I regret.»
This is becoming irritating, it prickled like static on my neck, and the day hadn't even properly begun. Five more classes, another recess of performative socialization, then the lottery-drawn chore of classroom cleaning—each task a fresh hell wrapped in mundanity.
What alternative remained? To carve open my skull and serve them the grotesquerie inside?
«Right now,» I began, measuring each word like a pharmacist dispensing poison, because these two snakes are sure dangerous, «I'm not trying to win sympathy or stall for time. I'm aiming for basic sanity. It's just—when things started slipping, I didn't chase after them. I just watched.»
The absurdity of this justification might've been laughable if it weren't so pathetically banal. What possible terms could exist between a fraud and his marks?
I faced them slowly, eyes half-lowered, not in shame but in fear of my own words: «I watched myself looking at the phone; I watched myself looking at the dates flying by; and I didn't move. But, I just want you to know it wasn't out of cruelty. It was... self-preservation. Maybe even selfishness, yes. But I needed to stop pretending I was okay; because, simply, I wasn't...»
«That's the most pretentious way of saying "I ghosted you" I've ever heard,» Reimi's nose scrunched like she'd smelled something rancid. «All this talk about watching yourself? Self-preservation? Who are you? Are you rehearsing for a movie or something? Real people don't talk like this! We want a straight answer—actual human words, not this philosophical masturbation! Agghhh, I'm getting secondhand embarrassment just listening! Am I hallucinating? Lissa, are you hearing this?!»
«Okay, okay. Breathe, Reimi,» Lissa's voice was a tranquilizer dart. «He's not making excuses... I hope. He's trying to explain something messy, and he's being careful. Right, Nakamura-kun? Perhaps that's why it sounds rather abstract... But, if possible, I'd appreciate it if you could be more straightforward this time, please?»
Their impatience was perversely refreshing—the pressure to open my mouth shouldn't have been this intoxicating, but here we were. If I squinted, I could almost respect it. Almost. But then again, hunger is also honest when it demands to be fed. Doesn't make it any less selfish.
«I'm sorry, okay?!» The word came out sharper than intended.
«I know it sounds abstract. It's because I'm still figuring it out. You think it's easy to explain waking up one morning and feeling like you were hijacked by someone you barely recognize? I'd call it identity theft, but that would imply I had a clear identity to begin with.»
The truth lodged in my windpipe. Spit it out, you coward!
«I realized that if I kept pushing through it—kept faking being all-time exclusively cheerful—I was going to collapse. So I chose to do nothing. Not because I wanted to. But because... that was the only thing I could do without breaking more than I already had.»
Above us, snowflakes falled and trembled in the breeze—white confetti for no one's celebration. How fitting. Nature's hollow pageantry mirrored my own: all show, no substance.
Must be nice. No one expects those tiny, hyperfrozen drops of water to explain why they plunge in your clothing sometimes—they just do. It's inevitable, and they have no reasons nor give any apologies; and, more importantly, no conciousness.
«You're telling me you blew us off because you were—what exactly? Having an existential crisis?! No, no, that's seriously concerning, but you couldn't even shoot a message saying, "Hey, I'm not up for it today"? I'm sorry, I'm not buying the "mentally compromised" card when it comes with this level of poetic vocabulary.»
«I know how it sounds. I perfectly know how conveniently downhearted it sounds. But, I'm not lying: I wasn't well. And not in a "stomachache" way, nor exaggerating like depression, because: no...! If I left the house, it'd feel like I'd left the only stable thing I had: some... time alone. Hahaha! It sounds so edgy when I say it like that...»
Ahhhh, kill me now. The truth is embarrassing as fuck!
«I made a stupid, egotistical choice. I prioritized my own state of mind over your time, your feelings? I acknowledge didn't warn you, and that was shitty. But it's not because I didn't care. I cared so much that it hurt. And I was afraid that telling you that would make it worse.»
«Why did you think that?» Lissa questioned.
I think this is my only opportunity to give the biggest mind-boggling, diabolic plot-twist and readjust my personality into this pretty-boy for a more despondent character of mine, because—I mean, why not? It's suitable. And it's not like I haven't already started using it...!
«Maybe because... well, this was the first time I canceled a meetup or literally took no notice of it. And didn't really think of any appropiate response. Besides, I had plenty other people that were messasing me, and you guys were the first two that approached me to discuss about it. I'm so dumb, right?»
«Yes, you are. However, you know what pisses me off more? Is that I'm starting to understand what you're saying a bit. It really pisses me off...» Reimi sighed and rubbed her temples. «I still think you should've just said something. Even if it was ugly, I wouldn't even care. Seriously. What were you thinking?»
Lissa's interjection was deceptively gentle: «...Would you like to hear what I have in mind, Reimi?»
«What thing?»
«I'll say I believe him.»
«Oh, I shouldn't have asked. I kind of knew what you were about to say,» she rolled her eyes skyward.
«If you'd stop hyperventilating for five seconds and take a moment to reason with what Nakamura-kun told us now. Think about it—I mean, for someone like Nakamura-kun, constantly surrounded by people every now and then, suddenly craving few weeks off? It's practically biological. Also, tell me, two days after New Year's, I invited you to the newly opened café in Shimokitazawa. What have you been doing? Remember what you said?»
«What?»
«Remember what you told me when I invited you to—»
«Ugh, not that. I told you it was too early to go!»
«Reimi, it was 11 a.m., almost noon. And I knew you didn't want to get up because you were going to watch your show that you wouldn't stop spoiling it to me, idiot.»
«That's—nngh—irrelevant....! No more! Shut up, shut up![12]» Reimi's voice climbed two octaves.
«See?[13] Hahahaha...! So, Nakamura-kun, I understand how you might have felt that time. You were just too lazy to go, which... well, I'd take it pretty badly, but for someone like you, I'd say it's to be expected. You don't have to feel guilty over natural human behaviour.»
«Yeah... I honestly don't know what came over me,» I admitted, letting my shoulders slump
«It was very spontaneous and somewhat unusual to feel so listless. But, that's the only description I can give you. Truly, and for the last time, I apologize to you: for not telling you the truth and for not showing up for our outing. It's very embarrassing for lying so ridiculously, and even more embarrassing to want to keep it like a big secret. Considering that it's very normal for people to feel this way, I'm ashamed for my actions. Maybe we can arrange it again, but this time I'll promise I'll go—to compensate for my absence. In any case... I'm sorry!»
How many mea culpas does this performance require? At this rate, I deserve a full legal defense team to retroactively acquit me of my own bullshit. Hell, throw in a some Monster Ultra Zero as restitution for my suffering.
Thus, the prolonged silence that followed was deafening. Just as I began mentally drafting my next act, I wasn't enchanted to see them quietened, repeatedly. It wasn't like that until Lissa raised her voice and commented:
«I get it, Nakamura-kun. No more apologies. Sometimes you just don't have the energy, and that's okay. I've had days like that too, you know? It's not always about being sad, is it? Just... out of sync; besides the situation you're in, it's understandable: you were exhausted, weren't you? Frankly, I think it would have been worse if you forced yourself to go out and ended up feeling miserable all the time. So don't beat yourself up too much. You're not a robot, dummy! We all need breaks sometimes.»
«Really?» I replied.
«Of course!!! Besides, you've always been the type to make up for it when you can, right? I guess that's what really matters in the end, isn't it, Reimi-chan?»
After a few seconds of being closemouthed, her lips pursed in disgust, Reimi spoke bitterly:
«Hmph. You know, I want to believe it, Nakamura. I really do; however, uh...»
She peered into our eyes, and then hesitated before blurting out:
«Fuck—AGHHHH! All right, all right! I have to agree with you, okay? I understand how you've been feeling right now, I get it...[14]»
Checkmate, baby! Woo-hoo! Finally, finally!
Somehow, I'd weaponized my not-so-fake vulnerability well enough to sway even Reimi, and subsidiarily, made it supplement to implanted it into Nakamura Takumi's whole personality and ideals. Yes!
«And you know what, it shows in your behaviour, it even shows on your face. You can't hide it at all. You have dark circles under your eyes, it's so obviously noticeable.»
I involuntarily fiddled with my eyelids and gave my opinion bamboozled mid-celebration:
«What? Uhm, th-that has nothing to do with it, what do you mean?»
I've already told them about staying up watching some videos: the Minecraft feature films are very interesting, and oddly relaxing.
«Huh, what are you talking about? It does got a lot to see!» Reimi's hands slammed onto her hips with enough force to dislocate a lesser girl's pelvis. «If it wasn't for us coming here to claim you, do you think you could walk around looking like a zombie and we wouldn't notice? Not just us, but almost most of our peers defintely will!»
«But that's irrelevant to me. Those things doesn't affect my functionality. Besides, if people want to be "discreetly annoying" about it, I can ignore them, right?»
«W-Wow, and that?» My proposal apparently made an impression on Reimi: «How unexpected for you to talk about that in particular, hehe. Very rebellious. Don't you think, Lissa?»
«What are you talking about?» Her friend replied, confused.
«...Forget it. Anyway, if you consider it irrelevant, that's fine. Maintaining such an indifferent attitude after lamenting your mental condition by feeling unmotivated is more than contradictory, huh?»
«You're misunderstanding,» I countered. «I don't particularly care about the dark circles. It's just irrational to assume I'd suddenly faint in the street from missing a few hours of sleep.»
You're misunderstanding. I don't particularly care about the dark circles. It's just irrational to assume I'd suddenly faint in the street from missing a few hours of sleep.
«Now, you're just being obtuse. Besides, what are you planning to debate? We could easily be talking about your health and some effects on it, and you're protesting? Weren't you justifying yourself about that?»
I think I overstepped my bounds without a bit of reasoning.
«Not that I mind at all anyway. I'm just suggesting that if you actually want people to stop poking, and respect your need for space, then you have to show you're not completely neglecting yourself.»
However: «You're lecturing me? The one who told me she stayed up all night and didn't care about it?»
«Okay, but I'm me—you're you. You're supposed to be the type who thrives on who you are and how you look, stupid.»
«Wh-What?»
Huh?
She proceeded: «What's this surprise? God, you're being so annoying lately. Newsflash[15]: people always expect you to be... I don't know, composed? Prolix? Not a grudging attitude like you do right now. After what you've told us: will you announce it to everyone? On top of that, when I stay up all night, it's different—I can handle it. I love the night! And, watching you, I don't think you're strong enough to handle a few all-nighters. If you've been relaxing, confined to your room, and you came out like this—that's my answer!»
Oh, woman! I'm going to neglect myself more, I'm going to do it. I can't compromise on certain delicacies regarding my skin care, sleep, or whatever. Likewise, is this a competition? Do you want to fight?
«Now, please, no more arguing! All right, come on,» Lissa tried to lighten the situation; moreover, she soon began to assess:
«But, if I may... I'd like to say that I feel the same way as Reimi-chan. Nakamura-kun isn't exactly the kind of man who can show up looking moribund and expect the crowd to think of it as a normal day. You have an image; a sacred image, so to speak, and people are going to talk about it whether you like it or not. I don't consider it fair or something to crow about, but that's the way it is.»
She paused and tucked a stray hair behind the ear—a gesture oddly solemn: «I'm not saying you have to change for anyone, but taking care of yourself is not just about what other people think. It's about you. You deserve to feel good, you know? And I'm concerned.»
«Same goes for you, Lissa. Don't you dare dishevel your appearance, I won't forgive you.»
«E-Ehhh?!»
So, it was true. My suspicions—no, the half-mad notions I'd been discussing throughout the day and the previous week have been absolutely right: Nakamura has no choice but to be the centre of attention at Seiritsu High.
This dude can't make the slightest misstep without someone noticing. His manner, posture, appearance—or whatever that means now—is already set by the student-body-wide consensus, and there's no way in hell to tweak any part of it, no matter how subtle, without triggering a collective reaction.
Haruki was the first to warn me. Saying that girls—or any random loudmouth, for that mather—were going to question me inappropriately the second something seemed off. Even the tiniest, most mundane flaw becomes headline-worthy gossip.
Then there were the two girls who, in counter-offence to my discomfiture or maybe just rubbing it in, pointed out something about a "transcendent image." Apparently, I'm now being "admired" like some Renaissance painting hanging in a French museum.
God forbid I show up even slightly disheveled! People would go ballistic—from classmates to nobodies in the hallway—wondering how their precious golden boy dared to smudge his perfect little portrait. Give me a break!
Is it even possible to not be the center of this tiresome spotlight? This role they've shoved on me it just doesn't suit me—it do not! I barely managed to withstand the euphoric hive of Issac and his gawking friends, how can I now be expected to pass for someone just like that idiot?
But If I were just some regular guy? No one would care. "Who even are you?" they'd say. Hell, if I had bags under my eyes or forgot to shave, the answer would be, "Yeah, sounds about right for that guy." Because I'd be invisible enough that nobody even remembers what I'm supposed to look like.
Does that sound nice or unpleasant? Nonetheless, for Nakamura: this guy's become some rarefied creature—an exotic spectacle for everyone to gawk at.
Maybe I've only traded my old loneliness for a new kind of prison. One that's polished, dressed up in hollow admiration, and an uninterrumpted, invasive, constantly monitored, suffocating group "foresight..." Ugh, I'm acting extremely gloomy.
I can't do this. I don't want to do this. It's eating at me just trying to imagine what's waiting for me over the next few days.
Still....yeah. Rather than sulking and adding to this melodrama, I'll take responsibility—today, at least. I'm exhausted—I want to sleep—, but when I get home, I'll write down everything that happened on this damn first day back.
«And speaking of that, I still can't believe you're the kind of guy who lies just to save himself. Seriously, that's disappointing,» Reimi reproached.
«What? I already apologized, okay? I mean it, I really do,» I insisted—probably one too many times. «I don't even know why I said that. I just… I got nervous, really nervous, you know? It's not like I could just go, "Ah, you caught me!" and then smile and spill nonsense like it's no big deal. Who the hell does that?»
«Only you would do something like that. And to think—you actually were doing it at first. Seriously…» she mumbled under her breath. «Maybe you should be more careful if you're trying to get close to him, Lissa.»
«W-Why are you dragging me into this!?» Charged rather faltered.
«It doesn't matter. In any case, I'm too tired to talk right now, my throat is dry! Ah, my voice could die at any moment!»
«…Hey, speaking of which—what time is it?» I quizzed.
«Lemme check,» Lissa replied, pulling out her phone. Her brows lifted slightly before she let out a elated, absent-minded laugh: «I see... looks like we've got more time than we thought.»
«Why'd you say that?» She asked, already sounding a little impatient.
«It's five to eleven.»
«Hahhhhhhh!!?? You're kidding me!! Damn it, Lissa» Pressingly, she covered her mouth and looked to the side, then started to renege again. Her voice was, as expected, loud: «Ugh, unbelievable. I can't fucking believe it. I'm leaving for good, I don't know about you. Later.»
«Ahhh, and there she goes…» Lissa commented, waving a sluggishly-looking goodbye.
Then, she stretched her arms above her head, squirming slightly, before letting out a soft, satisfying whimper to speak again: «Well, Nakamura-kun, it's been a pleasure chatting with you. As for what you said earlier—you know, about hanging out and all that... can we figure out the details over chat?»
«Uh, y-yeah! I'll message you after class, just to confirm. Or maybe I'll come find you during the second break—it might be easier.»
«Oh, no-nope. Won't work.» She shook her head. «Sorry, but I'll be having lunch with some friends. Kind of a duty on my end too, you know? Just like you, I've got priorities.»
I nodded, not without some reluctance. She held my gaze and returned a slight nod: «Alright then! That settles it. So now that it's officially set, don't you dare flake on us again, or I will get mad at you.»
Her voice was calm, but the smirk on her lips hinted at mischief. I had no choice but to swallow dryly: «No, of course not. I won't. I'll be waiting for your message.»
«You better. Well then—Tchau-tchau!» She wiggled her fingers in a light farewell.
And just like that, they walked off into the hallway. Reimi didn't even bother saying goodbye—not that she needed to. Odds are, we'll bump into each other again during the next break. No grand farewells required.
Thus, just like that, they walked off into the corridors. Reimi didn't even bother saying goodbye properly nor directly—not that she needed to. Odds are, we'll bump into each other again during the next break.
To be honest, I hadn't pegged Reimi as particularly eccentric at first. However, upon re-examining her self-centred and choleric behaviour, I realised that I should make an effort to assimilate valuable clues to understand the dynamics of the individuals in question.
In related manner: shit. They robbed me blind—time-wise.
Who would've guessed they'd storm in so decisively over something like that? If it were me in their position, I'd be brooding in a corner somewhere. Though it is admirable that they at least asked for an explanation, instead of remaining silent.
«Whatever,» I sighed. That was enough social entropy for one morning. I retraced my steps back to class, taking the exact same route I'd used to get here—because getting lost now would just be overkill.
The corridor stretched back into the familiar setup, and eventually I stood before the door to my classroom.
Hermetically, it was locked—airtight—, and it was no surprise to me but I was blank for a moment; no, I think I would say unsure. Because: should I knock, as is customary in every single part of the world, or would it be better... to do nothing?
On the other hand, regardless of cultural norms, barging into a class uninvited, at the last minute no less, seemed to me to be irredeemably disrespectful. Collaterally, it would interfere with the diction of whoever the hell was teaching the class, so it was a high-risk gamble for zero payoff I wasn't willing to take.
So—what was the right move?
«…Excuse me?» I intentionally raised my voice, just enough to make sure it could be heard clearly through the walls.
Thanks to the opaque material of the slide, I could make out blurred shadows and shifting silhouettes. As I could also see one of them break away and advance towards me and... Ah, it's coming.
Moments later, an abrupt shhhhck, the door yanked open, and standing there was a full-grown man with the expression of someone who'd been personally wronged by my existence.
«Nakamura-san. What are you doing here?» His voice was halfway between annoyance and bafflement—like he couldn't decide whether I was a misbehaving or there was a scheduling error; and defintely it wasn't the latter.
I blinked, momentarily surprised by his sudden appearance. Once again, the teacher's voice echoed with an air of mild disbelief, as if the mere sight of me there was an anomaly I had not anticipated: «Wh-What could possibly be the reason you're late? Don't tell me... You were planning to skip my class?!!»
«Uh…» I stalled for half a beat, then pulled myself together: «No, sorry, I was just late, haha... I had some problems to resolve with some other students and.... Uhm, when I arrived I wasn't sure if I should knock or just stand outside...»
He withheld any words—utterly abstained from them—and instead examined me for a moment, as if debating whether to reprimand me or simply let it slide. The silence lingered, in acute contrast to the rest of the bustle inside.
«After class, you'll tell me where you vanished to. For now, just get in—before they start asking questions.» He narrowed his eyes. «I can't stand when gossip starts circulating for no good reason. Good grief. Well, move it, okay?!»
There was frustration in his voice—undeniably—but it wasn't laced with any real animosity. More like the kind of irritation reserved for repeat offenders. And sure, maybe I was one. Chronically late? Who's counting?
I accepted his sanction on the chin and, without further hesitation, complied, feeling a a low-grade discomfort creeping in as the collective focus of the room pivot toward me. Obviously, everyone was already seated; most were looking at me in passing—some with bemusement, others dismissively.
So, perched at my desk, the class continued as normal. The whole situation seemed absurdly trivial, but in a way, it summed up my ability to make simple moments seem like a spectacle.
«Psst» I heard a sharp whisper cut through the ambient noise behind me, followed by a light jab against my spine—one of those annoying, deliberate pokes.
Meekly, I craned my neck, out of the corner of my eye, looked at Kaito: «Hey—where were you?» He asked, hushed but persistent.
«…I'll tell you later,» I answered without any disposition.
Honestly, I didn't have the energy. Not for explanations. Not for anything.
[1] 「ちょ、なんで私！？そっちが始めた話でしょ？なんで押しつけてくんの！」
[2] 「ビングレ」; A South Koran yogurt company (빙그레)
[3] 「知らなーい、それはあんたの仕事！」
[4] 「うう〜、わかったよぉ、もーう」
[5] 「ひどい〜〜…でもありがと♡」
(I'm clueless if I translate it correctly...)
[6] 「ほらね、言ったでしょ。」
[7] 「ちょちょょっと！」
[8] 「はいはーい、休み時間終了〜。じゃ、戻ろっか？」
[9] 「え？あれ？あたし？いま、あたしのことですか？？うそでしょ、ワハハハハハハ！！！！」
(Yo chat, it this japanese good?)
[10] 「はぁ〜〜ああっ？！？」
[11] 「だよね〜。はぁ、マジでダサ。責任から逃げようとしてさ、ほんとバカじゃん。で？今度はどんな言い訳するわけ？」
[12] 「それはっ…んぐっ…関係ないし！？やだもう、黙って、黙れーっ！」
[13] 「ほらね？」
[14] 「クソょーーーっ！！……あーーーもうっ！分かったよ、分かったから！！認めるしかないじゃん！今のあんたの気持ち、ちゃんと分かってるつもりだしさ…！」
[15] ニュースフラッシュ！