Fanficbased on Naruto (by Masashi Kishimoto) and Bleach (by Tite Kubo). This is a fan-made story with no official affiliation. The content is shared as part of the creative rewards on my Patreon.
Previous Chapter:
One week later…
In a dark room with dry walls and heavy air, a thick tension filled the space—the kind that screamed "something immoral happens here" or "this is definitely a BDSM dungeon."
In the dim light, the silhouettes of a man and a woman could be seen.
The silence broke all at once—with both of them yelling.
...
Anyone looking in from the outside would've thought they were watching some kind of ninja version of Fifty Shades of Grey, but the reality was much darker: just another day in the intelligence rooms of the great hidden villages.
"Now talk, you damn tree-hugger! Who are you working with?!" the man roared, his voice full of frustration and rage.
In front of him, the woman sat tied to a chair, her face bloodied and her body covered in bruises. Despite her sorry state, her eyes still held a mocking glint.
"With your mother… and all the logs she hugged…" she replied with a broken smile, spitting blood right into his face.
Renji closed his eyes with a sigh, wiping his face with the back of his hand.
"Bitch… you tried to kill me…" he growled, scowling.
The woman let out a dry laugh.
"My name is literally 'Bitch.' Not my fault you have poor reading comprehension."
Behind the one-way glass, several shinobi watched the scene with a mix of pity and amusement.
"Poor Renji… Thirty years single, finally gets a girlfriend, and she turns out to be a Konoha spy who's been undercover in the village for years."
"Let it go, man. They caught him mid-act—he didn't even get to finish before she had a kunai to his throat. Lucky he's a decent medic… and that she wasn't stronger."
One of them clicked his tongue.
"If she'd been a bit stronger… the ANBU vice-captain would've died by snu-snu."
Everyone sighed, eyes returning to the interrogation.
A while later, Renji walked out of the room with a dead expression on his face. His men surrounded him respectfully—though a few had trouble hiding their laughter at the hickeys on his neck and the fresh scar on his chin.
"What did you get?" Renji asked in a tired voice.
One of the ANBU stepped forward, scroll in hand.
"Renji-sama, we've confirmed she's a chunin from Konoha. Right after graduating from the academy, she was sent here under refugee status during the war. She posed as the daughter of a local merchant who died a few years later from an apparent heart attack. However, based on medical records, he was completely healthy… which suggests she killed him to cover her tracks."
Renji rubbed his temple, barely holding back a curse.
"Go on."
"We searched her home. Under one of the floorboards, we found multiple ninja weapons. She also had a small arsenal hidden in her pillow: explosive tags, medicine, espionage tools. Additionally, there was a scroll with a summoning jutsu, but we're not yet sure what kind it is. The research team is analyzing it now."
Renji took a deep breath.
"Good. Keep analyzing it. Also, increase surveillance on any other refugees who arrived during that period. I don't want any more surprises."
"Yes, sir!"
As the ANBU scattered to carry out his orders, Renji stood there in silence, staring at the interrogation room door.
He still couldn't believe it. He'd let his guard down just once… and nearly died for it.
"…I deserve it for being that naive," he muttered.
Still not quite willing to admit… he nearly died over a pair of tits
----
[ One Year and Two Months ]
For one year and two months, Yoruichi had watched Renji remain hopelessly single and finally decided to intervene. With blind faith in her matchmaking skills, she set him up on multiple dates.
The result was… well, peculiar.
First Date:
At first, everything seemed fine. Good conversation, real laughs, a cozy atmosphere with dim lighting and soft music in the background.
Renji thought, for once, fate might actually let him have a nice evening.
But everything shifted when, in the middle of a story, his date said something that didn't quite add up… until Renji put the pieces together.
"María José" was, in fact, José María.
There was no scandal. No shouting. Just an awkward silence, followed by a poorly hidden look of horror.
Renji mumbled something unintelligible, stood up like a shot, and bolted from the restaurant like an ANBU squad was after him.
Left behind: a confused waiter, an unpaid bill… and José María, who just sighed—clearly used to this kind of reaction.
Second Date:
This time, Renji was hopeful. The woman was beautiful, friendly, with common interests that didn't seem completely made up.
She even liked the same books he did. Rare enough on its own.
Everything was going perfectly until, with a casual smile and sweet voice, she dropped:
"By the way, I have a partner. Well, partners, actually. I'm in a polyamorous relationship. Is that a problem?"
Renji, mid-sip, nearly choked on his wine.
He coughed, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and tried to reply without sounding completely thrown off.
But after a few minutes of awkward conversation and evasive glances, he realized that world just wasn't for him.
He paid his half, muttered a diplomatic excuse, and vanished faster than a substitution jutsu.
Third Date:
No name confusion this time. No unexpected declarations.
The woman was direct from the start… too direct.
Renji had barely sat down before she started barking orders—how he should cut the bread, what wine to order, and that he really needed to stop using "such a boring tone of voice."
Throughout dinner, she treated him more like a personal assistant than a date, demanding his full attention, insisting he open doors for her, pass the salt "like a normal person," and stop staring at the menu so much.
By dessert, Renji was mentally writing his farewell speech.
He paid the bill without a word, stood up calmly… and ghosted that woman like a pro.
Fourth Date:
Everything was going fine… until he mentioned he was a shinobi.
It was like flipping a hidden switch in her brain. Her entire expression changed—as if a mask of hatred snapped into place. Her once-neutral eyes turned cold and full of contempt.
Her voice, which had been calm, turned into pure venom.
"A ninja?" she spat with disgust.
"Of course… had to be one of those damn lapdogs for old men in power. Murderer. How many lives have you taken? How many families ruined—just because someone up top gave the order? You've killed more people than you'll ever meet. And you still talk like your existence has value?"
Her words cut like blades. She didn't just insult him—she dismantled him with every sentence.
She called him a criminal, a mindless weapon, a coward pretending to be a warrior.
The hatred in her voice was so real, you could taste it in the air.
And the worst part… is that she wasn't wrong.
Renji didn't try to argue.
He didn't defend himself.
He simply stood up in silence.
No words.
No eye contact.
Just silence—and self-respect.
Fifth Date:
The weirdest one so far.
The woman turned out to be a man. No disguise, no deception—he had just come for a free meal.
Strangely enough, Renji didn't get angry. He actually found the situation funny. He ended up becoming friends with the guy, whose name was Mario. Mario even gave him dating advice… though, given his track record, Renji had his doubts.
Sixth Date:
At first, the conversation was pleasant. Shared interests, compatible sense of humor, zero red flags…
Until she dropped a bomb with the same casual tone one might use to order dessert:
"I like using strap-ons with my partners. Would you be open to that?"
Renji didn't say a word.
He just picked up his glass, drank what was left in one go, laid some cash on the table…
and executed a strategic retreat that would've made any JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fan weep with pride.
Seventh Date: [+]
Everything seemed—finally—normal. The woman was charming, the food was good, the conversation flowed.
Renji relaxed. He even thought this might be the one.
Until, without warning, an old woman appeared out of nowhere and sat down with them.
Renji blinked.
"Your mom?" he asked.
"Your grandma?" he pressed on, when she didn't reply.
"An ancestral spirit?" he guessed, now just rolling with it.
Before he could get an answer, a familiar figure dropped from a nearby rooftop.
Yoruichi landed like lightning, pointed at the old woman, and shouted:
"Grandma Coco!"
The woman stayed silent, eyes clouded as if a mystical revelation had just struck her. Then she whispered:
"Is GTA 6 out yet…?"
Renji stared at her, completely lost in whatever genjutsu he'd just stumbled into.
And when he blinked again… the old woman was gone. And so was his date.
The only one who understood that Coco had finally let go of her eternal wait… was Yoruichi.
Eighth Date:
Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Good vibes, decent chemistry—nothing explosive, but enough to keep it interesting. Renji even considered ordering dessert.
Then… a little girl appeared.
Out of nowhere, like she'd been summoned by fate itself. She ran to his date, hugged her tight, and shouted:
"Mommyyyy!"
Renji froze. Said nothing. Asked nothing.
Just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and nodded—like someone who'd just realized a deep universal truth.
He stood up with dignity, left enough to cover the meal, and walked away without looking back.
He had no intention of becoming a father without having earned it.
That day, Yoruichi looked at him with disappointment.
Ninth Date:
Everything seemed promising: deep conversation, intense glances, a slight air of mystery. Until she leaned in, conspiratorially, with a mischievous grin and whispered:
"My husband never finds out about anything."
Renji went completely still, as if time had frozen.
He finished his drink in one motion, straightened his jacket, and said:
"Wishing you both a wonderful life."
And vanished like he'd never been there.
Tenth Date:
The date started off with energy—flirting, enthusiasm, chemistry. But by the second glass of wine, she leaned in and said, with full seriousness:
"I want a master-and-pet relationship. Literally. I have a leash for you at home."
Renji took five seconds to process that.
Four more to decide.
One to stand up.
And like any good shinobi, he performed the secret technique of silent retreat + cash on the table.
Eleventh Date:
She was charming, confident, and had a look that said she'd seen things. That intrigued Renji more than it scared him.
Until, mid-conversation, she casually dropped:
"I'm a retired ninja from Kirigakure."
That alone was enough to set off every alarm in Renji's body.
He knew how things worked there—thick fog, bloody exams, and traditions where "friendship" meant "last one standing."
Renji smiled politely, set down his drink, stood up and said:
"And I'm a big fan of staying alive. Have a nice night."
Once again, Yoruichi gave him that look of disappointment, muttering something about him not understanding the beauty of Yandere love.
Twelfth Date:
From the first moment, Renji knew something was off.
Too much makeup. Too many jewels. Way too interested in his last name and zero interest in his actual personality.
It was clear she wasn't there for love…
This was a political-financial setup, orchestrated by her father—a cranky old councilman.
Renji took a deep breath, smiled sweetly, and said with complete calm:
"I prefer women with more curves. Gives me something to hold on to."
Then he stood, ignored the look of horror on her face, and left before her bodyguard could show up.
Thirteenth Date:
It seemed like a normal night. Fancy dinner, good conversation, even a hint of chemistry.
Until she, between sips of wine, dropped this with spine-chilling calm:
"I love using strap-ons with my partner. It makes me feel powerful. Would you be up for…?"
Renji felt a shiver crawl down his spine, like he'd just stepped into a frozen, silent cave.
He slowly shook his head without saying a word, stood up with the solemnity of a funeral… and vanished into the night with the dignity of a man who just escaped a deadly trap.
"Shit… second time now. What's with women and their very specific tastes?"
Fourteenth Date:
Everything was going fine… until she took his hand, looked deep into his eyes, and said:
"I've always wanted to be with a woman… but without giving up being with a man. So… could you use the transformation jutsu and turn into a girl? For me?"
Renji blinked.
And in that blink, he saw something in her eyes—a spark that wasn't desire… it was obsession.
Without a word, he formed a hand seal, activated a substitution jutsu, and left behind an empty chair and a dry little branch.
From a nearby rooftop, he whispered to the wind:
"Not worth the trauma."
Fifteenth Date:
From the start, everything felt a bit forced. But Renji decided to give it a chance.
Until she let out a dramatic sigh and admitted:
"Truth is… I'm only dating you to make my ex jealous."
Renji was already getting up when the plot twist happened.
The ex walked into the restaurant… looked at her… ignored her… and walked straight up to the waitress.
With a kiss.
She sat there in stunned silence. Renji raised his glass and toasted quietly.
"God-tier plot twist," he muttered.
He paid his share, stood up… and walked out whistling the victory march.
------------
[ Five months later… ]
Renji collapsed onto the bar counter with a sigh, staring at the ceiling.
"I'm going to die alone… In my house… My fortress of solitude… Alone… lonely… loneliest…"
Mario, sitting on a stool next to him, took a sip of sake and gave him a pat on the shoulder.
Meanwhile, Neru, Sajin, and Zoma tried to comfort him in the best way they knew how.
"Better alone than with the wrong one, bro," said Neru—a man happily married, with a beautiful wife and a kid.
"At least you didn't die from snu-snu," added Mario, who had slept with all kinds of women, including kunoichis that left him unable to walk for days.
"Relax, man. You'll find the right one someday," said Sajin, widely known as the "thirsty dog" for going from girl to girl like a heat-seeking missile.
"Exactly. Look at me—single nearly my whole life, and now I've got a beautiful girlfriend," said Zoma, recently married thanks to Yoruichi's C-rank matchmaking mission that paired him with Kimiko.
Renji looked at all his friends.
One married.
A couple of playboys.
One with a girlfriend.
And him…
He only attracted the crazy ones.
He raised a hand to his chin and felt the scar from his last failed relationship.
"Yeah… I guess it could be worse."
Mario raised his glass.
"To that."
Renji sighed, but in the end, clinked his glass against theirs.
Maybe luck wasn't entirely against him after all.
______________
End of Chapter 12
Quiet chapter, mainly intended to make a new time jump.
Now yes, we are approaching the mini-arc of the Academy... and then the Arc of the Third Shinobi World War, where many ideas will begin to take shape.
[+] Quote number 7 is actually a reference to the Grandma Coco meme. It also serves to show that Yoruichi was secretly spying on all his dates.