Peace
I sat down and I held them in my arms. Nathan got up and went up to the table by the bench. I stared at him intently to figure out what he had in mind. He placed his hands on the holy book.
" Mother,mother please can we read a story from the bible as our bedtime?"
" Sure, bring it over Nathan dear." He ran over like a toddler who was starting to learn how to walk fast enough.
" Nathan, come stay here so you could see the illustrations in the book." Nancy patted a spot on the chair next to me and I adjusted a bit by lowering my upper body so that they would all see.
" Tell us the story about the parable of the unforgiving servant." Nelson suggested." It is in page 309."
I looked at him in wide eyed wonder, he had memorized the page. I rubbed his head and kissed his heads first and I went to Nancy then Nathan. I got up and I decided to demonstrate it for them like they always preferred.
I had told two parables now and I was reading the third one. I could see one of Nancy's eyes open and the other one closed. I saw Nelson have his eyes starring at me but I could sense his lethargy because his eye contact was looking at the wall right behind me. I looked at Nathan whose eyes were still widened like the moon, it had his own light.
" All right, once upon a time, there was a man who had owed a great king a lot of money. He went before the king and pleaded with him to forgive him, please forgive me he said. And the king let him go."
" what happened next mommy?" I looked at Nathan who had asked the question, I took a look at Nelson and Nancy who had already fallen asleep. I just stood there staring helplessly the my attention went back to Nathan.
" Lets find out... the man had gone out of the palace, feeling happy that his debts was paid and he could live freely but what happened was that he went out and saw a man across the Neighbor-hood that had owed him a debt. Immediately he ran to the man and held him across his shirt and demanded that he would be paid every single dim he was owing him."
" But the Judge forgave him after he wasn't able to pay the debt, why did he choose not to forgive the man that owed him. Mother, I don't want to be like this man. I want to careful enough to not treat others in the way I don't want to treat others. I want to be merciful and forgiving. Mother would you teach me how to?"
I was quiet and still, I remembered how I had not forgiven Thane but I asked God for his forgiveness all the time. I don't know if I was in the best position to teach my son how to be merciful and kind. For the first time, I wasn't fully convinced about what to teach him.
" I will, I will teach you hon."he smiled and closed his eyes and lied down near Nancy, she had her glasses tilted to one side and her hands were placed on Nelson's head. I removed his hand and adjusted it in an apt position and I removed Nancy's glasses and placed it on the table and I found a quilt to that would cover the three of them from the clothe stack in the sitting room.
Forgiveness, I need to learn to forgive. Let go of everything he did to me and come teach Nathan how to Forgive too. I cant teach what I don't have mastery off. In fact I could not realize how much I have been judging and neglecting how gentle I should be around thane even though he hurt me. I had been trying to repay evil with evil and I knew that this parable was God's way of trying to tell me that I had to forgive Thane. It was just forgiveness right, I can do that.
I can smile and be more kind to him, I can stop cutting him off and I can try being more considerate when we are together talking about private issues. My behavior towards him all this while had not been preaching Christ and I had allowed the past, hate, strife and anger to control my actions instead.
But if I had to forgive him, would I have to accept him as my husband again? So many was at stake. I remember telling my babies that I would get married by the end of this year. They didn't seem like they were interested in the offer but ever since, I could feel a glow in their eyes. it was just so hard to choose. Was I going to choose Luther or Thane. Which one of them would I freely hand over my vulnerability over too again. I could trust no one. The whole world seemed to have been moving, my children had started growing up, my company was also growing, everything was working out but It seemed that I was still stuck in the labyrinth of the past. I went into my room and got on my knees.
" Oh lord, I don't really know what to do, I cant see the future but you can. Help me to do what is right and help me forgive my… my.."
Who is he to you peace, who is Thane to you?
" I know that I have not been the most compassionate fellow on earth but help me forgive my Husband." It felt like a stone that had been in my throat for five years had come out. I had been denying myself of the fact. I don't know if admitting it would make me forgive him but I hope I can. I have to forgive him for Nathan's sake. So I can teach Nathan how to forgive. There was no other reason.
" My husband." I repeated, it sounded funny. I used a possessive word to claim Thane.