It was a calm Tuesday in the Ministry when the unimaginable happened: Voldemort agreed to therapy.
Sort of.
"I am not here for self-improvement," he hissed as he took a seat without being asked. "This is court-mandated nonsense."
Across from him sat Madam Evergreen, a kindly witch with half-moon spectacles, a calming aura, and nerves of pure goblin steel.
"Of course, Tom," she said gently.
He twitched. "Do not call me that."
"Very well," she smiled. "Let's talk about your childhood."
"Pass."
"Your relationship with power?"
"Excellent."
"Your relationship with people?"
"…Unfortunate."
She nodded, scribbling something. "What about your anger?"
"I do not get angry," Voldemort said icily. "I become... passionately instructional."
Madam Evergreen arched an eyebrow. "And when you 'passionately instructed' Bellatrix to duel thirteen Aurors at once?"
"She volunteered!"
"She was unconscious."
"Details."
---
—Session 2: Group Therapy—
Voldemort was not pleased to be placed in group therapy.
He sat in a circle with Lucius Malfoy, Dolores Umbridge, Barty Crouch Jr., and a surprisingly cheerful Basilisk puppet enchanted by the Ministry.
The puppet said, "Hi, my name is Basil, and I'm here to talk about my toxic gaze—"
"I will destroy this entire building," Voldemort muttered.
Lucius tried to offer him a mint.
---
—Session 4: Exposure Therapy—
"You're doing very well," Madam Evergreen said as Voldemort sat across from a projection of Harry Potter eating treacle tart and smiling.
"I am not!"
"Try saying something nice about him."
Voldemort glared.
Madam Evergreen waited.
"…His spellwork is... passable."
"That's a great start!"
"AND I HOPE HE STUBS HIS TOE ON EVERY STAIR AT HOGWARTS."
"We'll unpack that."
---
—Final Session—
Voldemort crossed his arms. "Are we done?"
Madam Evergreen nodded. "You've made progress."
"Will I be a... 'better person' now?" he sneered.
"Maybe just a slightly less 'explosively evil' one."
Voldemort rose, dramatically swirling his cloak. "We'll see."
She handed him a small stress ball shaped like a skull.
"I enchanted it to scream 'Avada Kedavra!' when squeezed. Just in case."
He paused. Took it.
"…Thank you."
---
—Epilogue—
Two weeks later, Voldemort was seen at a Death Eater meeting.
"I want to take a few minutes for personal check-ins," he said. "Bellatrix, you seem... tightly wound. Let's breathe together."
They stared.
He squeezed the skull ball.
It screamed.
Everyone applauded.