[A/N: This chapter contains self harm and depictions of self inflicted pain. If you struggle with such topics or are in an unstable state of mind, skip over this chapter. And please, always reach out for help through whatever means you have available <3]
Alex stared at the man across from him. They were both surrounded by a darkness that swallowed light. The surroundings reminded him of when he had first met Virgol. But the person floating across from him wasn't the Administrator, it was his worst nightmare.
His own reflection stared back at him. "C'mon. Do it. We both know how this ends." This 'mirror' Alex's voice was cold. His blue eyes lacked any depth or emotion and his face held no trace of empathy for the torture he was inflicting upon himself.
A table appeared before them with a sharp knife laying on top of it. "You know she doesn't need you anymore right? You're worth nothing to her. You're useless to her."
It didn't matter how hard Alex tried to block out the words. Closing his eyes and willing this nightmare to end didn't work. Covering up his ears didn't work.
"Hah, cute. We both know that doesn't work. There's only one way out of this." The mirror him glanced down at the knife on the table, a grim smile gracing his features. The message was clear. If Alex wanted this nightmare to end, that knife was the answer.
"God, you're so pathetic. You couldn't even save her. What kind of piece of trash brother can't save his own sister?" Alex knew it wasn't true. He knew he had gotten to Amanda in time. He had felt her hug him. But after that? Why couldn't he remember what happened after that?
"Because, you dumbass, Anton Valdenci shot you in the back of the head and then took your sister and had his way with her. Oh no, poor little Alex, all of your hard work was for nothing."
No. No. NO. That couldn't be true. He had accepted that he probably wasn't going to make it out of Anton's compound alive, but in his heart of hearts he knew Amanda had survived.
The table floated closer to Alex, the knife reflecting his own visage. "C'mon. Take the knife Alex. Do us both a favor and end your miserable existence. You'd be saving a whole lot of people the struggle of having to deal with you."
Alex tentatively reached out and gripped the handle of the knife. It felt weightless in his hands. He knew he had done this a thousand times, and still it was inescapable. No matter how many times he said no. No matter how fervently he shook his head in refusal. The knife always ended up in his hands.
The table disappeared, as did the 'mirror' version of himself, but that didn't mean he was safe from himself.
"Good. Now you know the rest. You have a part to play in the tragic, pathetic tale of your life Alexander. So do it." A shaky hand brought the knife up to his chest, just above where his heart was. He closed his eyes, wishing that would be the end. He couldn't take it anymore. And then he plunged the knife down.
***
He couldn't keep going much longer. The cycle kept repeating itself no matter what he did or said. It always ended the same.
Alex stared at the man across from him. They were both surrounded by a darkness that swallowed light. It reminded him of when he had first met Virgol. But the person floating across from him wasn't the Administrator, it was his worst nightmare.
His own reflection stared back at him. "C'mon. Do it. We both know how this ends." This 'mirror' Alex's voice was cold. His blue eyes lacked any depth or emotion and his face held no trace of empathy for the torture he was inflicting upon himself.
Please Alex
An outside voice rang out in the darkness, androgynous and indiscernible, but it was different. This wasn't how this was supposed to play out. Alex tried to turn his head and focus on that voice, but he couldn't find the willpower to do so.
"Ah ah ah, don't worry about that silly little voice Alex. Just focus on me, and that knife." This time there was no table, the knife simply appeared in Alex's hands. It felt heavier than before, but still he raised it up over his chest.
"Good. Now you know the rest. You have a part to play in the tragic, pathetic tale of your life Alexander. So do it."
***
His own reflection stared back at him. "C'mon. Do it. We both know how this ends." This 'mirror' Alex's voice was cold. His blue eyes lacked any depth or emotion and his face held no trace of empathy for the torture he was inflicting upon himself.
Don't leave me
There it was again, that voice in the darkness. It held more definition, an almost pleading tone to the words it was saying.
Alex's eyes searched the darkness for the source of the voice, but all he could focus on was his own reflection staring back at him. All he could do was listen to the words he was saying.
"Please. As if anyone would beg for you to stay. You and I both know that you're just dead weight and you drag everyone down with you." The knife appeared in his hand, the heaviest it had ever been, but he still managed to raise his arm up. This time, cold steel pressed against his throat.
"You have a part to play in the tragic, pathetic tale of your life Alexander. So do it."
***
Come back
The voice was the first thing he heard when he opened his eyes, and the darkness seemed to have gotten a little brighter. Hope flared within Alex's heart. Maybe there was a way for this nightmare to end.
His reflection looked pissed off. Once neutral features were twisted into angry ones. "Don't! Don't listen to that stupid bitch. It's just you and me here Alex."
But Alex wasn't listening to himself. He was turning his head and trying to focus on the voice, willing it to come back. He could sense salvation in the form of that voice, all he had to do was reach out and grab it.
His head snapped back to the front, locked in place. "No little Alex. That's not how this goes. You. Are. Pathetic. You are nothing. You don't matter to her. She despises you for abandoning her to rot in that cell."
The knife once more materialized into Alex's hand, feeling as heavy as a solid block of steel. He looked down at it, knowing what he had to do.
"Yes. Thank you. That's right. You have a part to play in the tragic, pathetic tale of your life Alexander. So do it."
Alex struggled under the weight of lifting it, but he managed to raise the knife and stabbed it into the heart of his own reflection.
***
"I can't lose you Alex. We're brother and sister. We're supposed to stick together."
Alex was back at his old home, the one he lived in when he was younger and his family was still together. Amanda was hugging him tightly, her eyes filled with tears and her voice choked with emotion. He was hugging her back just as tightly, but he was holding back his own tears.
This was the night that mom and dad had told them they were going to be separating and that the two of them had a decision to make. Alex remembered it clearly now. Amanda had come to his room late at night after everyone had gone to bed.
He had told her that he was planning on staying with mom, while Amanda had said she was going to go with their dad. Her pleading had broken his heart and he had almost changed his mind, but he couldn't bear to not be with their mom.
Father had always been cold and distant towards Alex, treating him with indifference. That was why Alex had made the decision to stay with their mom.
"I know, but I'll always be there for you sis. You just gotta call and I'll be there."
What a lie. A stupid lie meant to appease a crying sister. But they were so young and naive that Amanda had bought into it. Alex had somewhat meant it when he said it, but he had no idea that mom was planning on moving to a different district, and going back and forth to visit Amanda would be basically impossible.
The memory ended with her staying in Alex's room for the night. They had built a pillow and blanket fort in his room and watched some of their favorite cartoons until they passed out.
Now that this memory was unblocked he remembered the first time Amanda had actually called, asking for Alex because their dad had "stepped out" and had been gone for a day already. He had pleaded with mom to go and visit her, but she said that getting out of the district was out of their budget.
Their dad had come back later that day, but Alex remembered hearing the crestfallen tone in Amanda's voice when he told her that he couldn't make it. He could remember the sound of her trying to hide her crying. It was the first in a long list of times that Alex would disappoint his sister.
***
Alex stared at the man across from him. They were both surrounded by a darkness that swallowed light. It reminded him of when he had first met Virgol. But the person floating across from him wasn't the Administrator, it was his worst nightmare.
"Ah, there we go. Fucken finally, enough of that mushy crap. Now we can get back on track with our regularly scheduled self-torture." His reflection was back, as was the table with the knife on it. The darkness had returned and the memory of his sister was shoved far away.
Amanda… She still needed him. It didn't matter how many times he had let her down and failed to show up. He could still make an effort to be there. He wasn't ready to give up.
"No. This ends now. Tell me how to break this cycle." His voice was stern and sharp, he was sick of the games. He had to get out of this nightmare. He still had a promise to keep. Amanda was still relying on him to come back to her.
"Break the cycle? Don't make me laugh you idiot." The other version of Alex spread his arms wide and gestured to the darkness, and then the table with the knife. "This is a prison of your own making. This is all in your mind. You are doing this to yourself. This is your own personal hell Alexander."
The darkness closed in, swirling around Alex and blinding his vision. In the darkness he could feel all of his pain and anguish. It contained every dark thought he had ever had, every negative emotion he had ever felt.
And it was suffocating. He couldn't breath, the darkness was choking him and plaguing him with every bad thing he had suffered through.
"It's simple Alex. If you really want out, all you have to do is. Wake. Up."
***
"Wake up Alexander. Your journey is far from over. Your soul is cracked, but so long as you are careful, I am sure that you will be able to mend it and grow even stronger." That was the same voice he had heard initially when he had accessed his system. Fate was urging him to wake up. He had plenty of work to do.
"Wake up Alex. Your sister needs you. She can't do this all alone, and you still have a promise to keep." That was his mom, her warm encouraging voice telling him what he knew was true. Though she was gone she was still guiding him and being a bright beacon in a sea of dark.
A final voice called out, grabbing his attention amidst the darkness. It was the most clear of all the voices that had spoken to him, and it was begging for him. No, it was pleading. Amanda's voice came through, as clear as day. "Please Alex. Don't leave me. Come back. I can't lose you. Wake up."