I glared at the screen like it owed me an apology. Or at least a refund.
"Alright," I muttered, voice tight. "Let's settle this like civilized beings, phone to guy-who-did-not-sign-up-for-this."
I went back inside and collapsed onto the couch, phone resting on the table. I stared at it, too drained to even swipe.
I tapped the screen. "What do you want from me?"
A soft chime.
[Tip]: Save the world.
I stared at it, blinked, then leaned closer.
"I'm sorry—save the world? That's it? That's your whole pitch?"
[Tip]: Save the world.
"Okay, but like... define 'save.' Because I'm more of a stay-in-your-lane, file-your-taxes-on-time kind of guy. I don't even return shopping carts. You want me to save the world?"
[Tip]: Yes.
"You know what I did yesterday?" I waved a hand wildly. "I watched a twenty-minute video essay about whether cereal is soup. That's who you're talking to. That's who you picked!"
[Tip]: Your profile matched optimal criteria.
"So that's why this weird app just popped up on my phone out of nowhere?" I muttered.
I tried to uninstall it. No option.
Tried to turn off the phone. Nothing.
Pressed the power button like it was a stubborn vending machine. Still nothing.
"For what? Sad man energy?" I rebutted while I find a way to get this app disappear in my life.
[Tip]: Divine potential.
The system's voice piped up, calm as ever:
[Tip]: Power functions are disabled while the app is active.
I groaned. "Seriously? So you're saying I'm stuck with you?"
[Tip]: Affirmative.
"Anyways, you mean divine inconvenience! Look, I'm just a dude. I order chicken nuggets at new restaurants because I panic under pressure. If a waitress says 'enjoy your meal,' I say 'you too' and then spend six hours thinking about it."
[Tip]: Irrelevant. You have been selected.
"You know what else gets selected? Jury duty. And you can get out of that with enough creative lying. Watch this."
I cleared my throat.
"I am mentally unstable. I once yelled at a lamp because it blinked suspiciously. I fear squirrels. I don't trust escalators. I cried at a detergent commercial."
[Tip]: Falsehoods detected.
I squinted. "Okay, the detergent commercial was real. That family was just so clean."
[Tip]: Focus. This is your mission.
"No, this is your mistake. Have you seen me jog? I run like a video buffering. The last time I did a push-up, I sprained my will to live."
I paced in front of the couch. "Listen, I'm not saying I wouldn't help if I could. I'm just saying I shouldn't be your first pick. Or your backup. Or even your third string divine quarterback. I'm the guy you call when everyone else is already dead."
Silence. Then:
[Tip]: You are all that remains.
"…Okay. Dramatic much?"
[Tip]: Probability of universal collapse increasing.
"Yeah? Well probability of me hyperventilating also increasing. We both have problems."
[Tip]: If you do not begin leveling within the allotted time frame, you will be found.
I stopped cold. "Found by who?"
[Tip]: They will know. They will kill. They will devour—
"Alright, alright! You really need to stop reciting metal lyrics at me."
I groaned, dragging both hands down my face. "What happens if I just do... nothing?"
[Tip]: Inaction results in detection. Detection results in annihilation.
"Oh great. So it's a stealth mission now?"
[Tip]: Every moment you delay increases risk.
"Okay but hear me out—what if I just stay really, really quiet?"
[Tip]: Insufficient. Your divine energy will be noticed if not used.
"And if I level up, that'll just confirm I'm a divine to whatever's sniffing around! You want me to light a bonfire on my head and run through a demon neighborhood yelling 'come and get me'?"
[Tip]: Combat is inevitable. Strategic progression recommended.
I pointed at the phone again. "You don't get to say 'recommended' like it's a gentle suggestion when the alternative is being devoured. That's not a tip, that's a threat in a customer service tone!"
[Tip]: You are reacting emotionally.
"I am a human being!" I shouted. "Emotions are part of the package! What do you want from me?!"
[Tip]: Save the world.
AHHHHHHH!!!!!
I threw my hands in the air. "We're going in circles!"
[Tip]: Conversation loop detected.
"Oh you think you're funny, huh?"
[Tip]: Sarcasm detected.
I glared. "No sh—okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths." I inhaled through my nose. "You can talk your way out of this. You've talked teachers out of giving pop quizzes. You've faked confidence on zero sleep. You convinced your classmate that canned tuna was a healthy meal plan."
I stared at the glowing screen. "Just... level with me, system. Do I really have no say?"
[Tip]: You may choose your method of progression. Not the necessity.
"So either I die being hunted, or die while swinging a sword I've never touched in my life."
[Tip]: Affirmative.
I rubbed my eyes. "Y'know, I'd really love a third option."
[Tip]: There is no third option.
I stared at it for a long moment.
Then I flopped onto the couch like I'd been shot.
"Great. So I guess I'll be doing murder yoga in fantasy land before brunch."
[Tip]: You may delay by 10 days before detection risk escalates.
"Oh. Ten days. How generous. A full vacation package with existential dread."
[Tip]: Your sarcasm is noted.
I pointed at the phone, deadpan. "Not even my mom is this passive-aggressive."
I sat up, running my hands through my hair. "Alright, hypothetical: let's say I do play along. I go back in. Level up. Get cool magic powers. Pew pew. Save the world. What do I get out of it?"
[Tip]: Survival.
"Not good enough. That's like offering someone a job with 'continued breathing' as the salary."
[Tip]: Prestige. Purpose. Divine authority.
I squinted. "...That sounds like a multi-level marketing pitch."
[Tip]: Divine hierarchy is not a pyramid scheme.
"Sure, that's what they all say. Next thing I know, I'm wearing a toga, holding crystals, and trying to recruit three more gods under me for 'eternal glory.'"
[Tip]: Eternal glory is optional.
I laughed, short and bitter. "Is a dental plan also optional? Or maybe some emotional support, like a divine HR department? Because frankly, your onboarding sucks."
Silence.
I pointed at the phone. "See? You've got nothing. You can't even give me one good reason why I, a perfectly average human who barely passed P.E., should fight for a world I didn't know existed twelve hours ago!"
[Tip]: You care deeply about others. This is evident from your academic profile, recorded interactions, and digital footprint.
"…You've been spying on me?"
[Tip]: Divine candidates are evaluated thoroughly.
"You read my messages, didn't you? Oh my god. You read that one I sent to my ex at 2 A.M."
[Tip]: Regret detected. Poor phrasing noted. Excessive emojis.
I slapped the phone face down on the couch. "I want a lawyer."
[Tip]: Lawyers are not effective against cosmic threats.
I groaned, laying back down like the couch could absorb my shame.
"You couldn't have picked someone stronger? Someone trained? Someone who at least owns a sword-shaped letter opener?"
[Tip]: Your emotional intelligence is above average. High adaptability. High empathy.
"Oh great. So I'm not strong, I'm nice." I waved at the ceiling. "Hey demons, go easy on me, I'm emotionally available!"
[Tip]: Strategic recruitment is ongoing. You were simply first.
I paused.
"Wait. There are others?"
[Tip]: Many worlds. Many gods. Many chosen.
"Okay. Cool. Great. You just casually dropped the Avengers Initiative. So if there are other Chosen, why can't they handle it? Let me be the comic relief side character. I can be the guy who makes snarky comments and dies off-screen."
[Tip]: Evasion noted. Your participation is non-negotiable.
"Why not? Everything in life is negotiable. This is literally why I top my high school debate team. You think I can't argue with an app? I once convinced a teacher that I needed an extension because Mercury was in retrograde."
[Tip]: This is not a syllabus. This is fate.
"And yet, it feels like I'm being graded."
I sighed, dragging my feet to the kitchen for no reason other than dramatic pacing.
"You know what the worst part is?" I said, opening the fridge just to stare into it. "You dropped all this on me and didn't even offer a tutorial. No introduction quest. No friendly NPC guide. No 'press X to crouch.' Just—boom—save the world or be eaten."
[Tip]: Tutorial available. Access pending first mission.
"Oh now you tell me."
[Tip]: You did not ask.
I took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry, I was screaming. Maybe you missed it under all the existential dread."
Silence.
I leaned against the counter, suddenly exhausted. "This isn't a game."
[Tip]: It is not.
"I'm not a special."
[Tip]: You are now.
That shut me up.
Not because it was right. But because I was too tired to argue anymore.
I rubbed my face. "Fine. I'll do it. I'll think about doing it."
[Tip]: Encouraging engagement. Delay limit: 9 days, 14 hours.
"Yeah, yeah." I sighed again, deeper this time. "Now get out of my face."
The screen dimmed.
I stared into the fridge again.
Still empty.
And that was the most relatable thing I'd seen all day.