The first thing I saw when I regained consciousness. Was a white unfamiliar ceiling.
White like the first fallen snow. A light breeze was blowing in my face.
"I'm alive."
That was the first thought, and then my head went empty, I don't know why.
I was lying on a hospital bed, with phantom pain in my side and an empty head.
"It was stupid, blackmailing a thief. Smart thoughts followed me but I ran away. On the other hand, I knew this could happen."
The body was weak, I didn't even try to get up, that would've been very stupid.
Maybe the emptiness in my head is an echo of death. Death is emptiness – no.
"Where am I. Dumb thought. Obviously I'm in a hospital."
I felt some kind of sadness and emptiness. Without any particular reason. Death didn't scare me, after all, not the first time.
And when a person stops fearing death, he fears nothing.
Then is it a paradox? Because I still fear many things.
To forget everything – is to forget yourself. That's what I fear.
"Could it be… All this time, I lived in self-deception.
The world — only a prism, reflected through the mind.
Nothing exists, everything only in our head.
Pain… I feel pain. Not physical, but moral.
I stop perceiving the world through the prism of the mind.
It seems, I'm dying."
I lay there and sank into the abyss of realization of something within myself, something I was afraid to admit in myself since I was reborn in this world.
"This feeling is not quite pain, but close to it.
I'm drowning in nonexistence, in threads of the mind pulling me deeper and deeper.
There, I stop perceiving the world, stop thinking, feeling, just see the surroundings, without understanding or awareness."
It doesn't matter, I am the actor of this drama. I know the script.
I will be the new scriptwriter of the old Evangelion story.
"I want to rebuild and reshape everything: all reality, the whole world, the whole Universe.
To destroy and create anew — by my vision and will.
And then go far away, into the endless distance, and wait for someone to come and ask:
'Is this the end? Or will you rebuild everything again?
Could this be your end? Or maybe… why did you do it?'
And I will answer:
'Ha-ha-ha… maybe it is the will of God?
After all, his death and life mean nothing to him,
but make human souls tremble.
Maybe that was the goal from the very beginning —
so that everything would be like this and come to this?'"
At that moment I finally admitted to myself — this is it, only after passing this stage you understand.
"As they say – All according to Aizen's plan."
My thoughts were interrupted by a person who entered the room.
More precisely, a doctor. About forty-five years old, short hair, dark hair.
Square glasses and of course a lab coat.
—How are you feeling, Shinji-san?
He said in a slow, melancholic voice. As if he knows everything in advance.
And if it comes to that, he probably does.
—Shinji-san. Don't think that just because I have your medical history I know how you feel at the moment,
I can only assume.
And predicting your next question, I'll say right away — I'm not reading your thoughts, it's all written on your face.
He said as if it happens every day.
"Great, thanks. That's all I needed — a psychologist here,
though maybe they wouldn't help me anyway.
On the other hand, I was drowning in my thoughts before he came and became enlightened, maybe I'm Buddha now."
—Sorry. My side hurts.
I decided to speak out, as they say — don't trust people responsible for your life. Usually that leads to bad consequences.
—Everything is fine. It's natural for people to be in the clouds and think about the meaning of life after being on the edge of life and death.
As for your side — it's more serious:
injury to the lower pole of the spleen, edge of the large intestine, muscle tissue, and retroperitoneal hematoma.
But no need to worry — you're in stable condition and will soon recover.
The main thing is not to overstrain yourself and eat well.
The doctor explained it quite eloquently in a calm tone.
"I could use some of that optimism. Talks as if it's not a severe stab wound, but a cut finger while slicing carrots."
—Got it.
I said stoically, looking at the ceiling with empty eyes.
There was a short pause after which I continued.
—How long will recovery take and when will I be discharged?
Obviously, a decent amount of time, but still, one wants to know.
A reasonable question.
—You were unconscious for two days, counting the day you were brought in.
You underwent surgery to stop internal bleeding.
I think overall it'll take a week, maybe ten days max.
With the same relaxed and unemotional voice the doctor continued.
—Got it. What's the treatment course?
Looking at him, I asked a high-ranking question.
—First of all: monitoring — blood pressure, pulse, blood tests, and so on.
Also important — bed rest.
We'll give painkillers to reduce pain and antibiotics with IVs to prevent infection.
In general, the list is long.
He finished and began to leave the room.
—Rest, the nurse will come soon to change the IV.
Ah, yes, forgot to say.
Even though this is a government hospital and treatment is free, you'll have to pay for the drugs, since your insurance has expired.
He finished speaking and closed the door.
"Well, what we have is what we have, and about the insurance — I didn't even know I had one.
I'll need to get a new one now that I work at the research institute."
It felt like it was almost lunchtime.
And soon, as the doctor promised, the nurse came, did her job, and left.
Allowing me to once again dive into thoughts.
"If not for the laws, I'd carry a ninja-to, a straight katana.
No wonder I took kendo."
–––
It's been five days already.
I could more or less walk.
Sitting on a bench in an empty corridor, I watched the evening sun of Kyoto.
Suddenly, footsteps were heard. I didn't pay attention to them, or to the person when he sat next to me.
Not only because I was deep in my thoughts,
but also because I knew who it was.
We sat in silence for some time.
Until he touched my shoulder.
—You acted very stupidly, Shinji.
He started and fell silent again, letting peaceful silence return to the corridor.
—I know, Hideaki. I shouldn't have gotten involved in that.
The words came from my throat in an empty voice.
And again, silence.
—You know, you could've been jailed. For blackmail and obstructing criminal activity.
You're lucky — my bosses value you very much.
Hideaki said seriously and with irritation.
Either out of worry for me or jealousy.
—I was told you were buying stolen parts from that gang.
That was stupid and dangerous.
You know, I haven't known you long, but I thought you were more responsible than most your age.
At least, that's how you seemed.
Disappointment could be clearly heard in his voice.
We continued to sit in silence. Until I broke it.
—Sorry. I know I acted stupidly.
Though I knew this outcome was quite likely,
I decided to take the risk, ignoring everything — even my life.
Greed and desire blinded my sight. Now I understand it.
—I'm glad you understand and learned a lesson.
And I hope you won't do such stupid things again.
We only have one life — don't kill yourself before time.
I felt guilty before him.
After all, he had hopes for me, which I didn't live up to.
—I'll do my best. Sorry, Hideaki, for letting you down.
Guiltily, I apologized again.
—By the way, when did you return from the conference, and how did it go?
I was curious.
Though most details are classified, such questions are quite acceptable.
—This morning. At the institute, they told me you fought a gang and got injured.
As for the conference — nothing noteworthy. Usual bureaucratic paperwork.
So we sat there, exchanging sentences and enjoying the silence of the sunset.
—Why did you need five percent and ten hard drives and the rest of the small stuff?
Hideaki asked suddenly, with curiosity.
"This question stumps me.
Can't really tell him I have an AI prototype on my computer… or can I?"
—Artificial intelligence.
I decided to tell him directly and openly, watching his reaction.
—AI, huh.
He didn't seem surprised that I said AI.
More like he was surprised that I'm making one.
Which makes sense.
"Maybe Naoko Akagi is already developing the Magi in Gehirn,
though that's unlikely according to the event chronology.
More likely Seele just has ideas on this topic,
or maybe Hideaki is also interested in AI."
—Yeah, though it's more of an AI imitation program than a real artificial intelligence.
That made me a bit embarrassed.
It's a long way from true AI.
—Don't underestimate. Everything starts small.
Just don't start the end of the world, ha-ha.
—I'll try, but I can't promise anything, ha-ha.
It was funny.
Finally, the atmosphere lightened a bit with this awkward laugh.
—No, I'm serious. AI is dangerous.
Hideaki repeated in a serious tone, looking me in the eyes.
—Yeah, I understand.
I replied seriously.
—Show me sometime, when you finish it.
He said with interest and a hint of amusement.
—Yeah, sure.
That's how that day ended.
I learned lessons and realized that there might not be a third chance.
I was too irresponsible and careless.
I need to recover quickly — soon there will be a lot of work.
But for now — time to sleep.