"Okay," Janet said, "we are officially being sanctioned. By Switzerland. Do you know how hard it is to make the Swiss mad?"
"They don't even have a military," I replied, munching on cereal. "What are they gonna do, deny us chocolate?"
"They froze our diplomatic cheese imports."
"Oh no. Not the Gruyère."
Janet didn't laugh. Not even a twitch.
---
After the pigeon incident, the summit imploded. Half of Asia wanted clarification on whether our trade deals were real. The other half wanted to know if I was mentally stable enough to make trade deals.
Which, fair.
Turns out, during the summit dinner (where I may or may not have attempted a karaoke duet with the South Korean president), I also somehow greenlit:
A joint anime-coproduction deal with Japan.
A rice-for-microchips barter system with Thailand.
And a spontaneous "friendship pact" with Indonesia involving matching jackets.
The jackets were embroidered.
With pigeons.
---
"Sir," said General Wexler, storming into the Situation Room, "China just issued a statement calling you 'an unpredictable chaotic vector.'"
"I'm not sure if that's an insult or a supervillain name."
"Europe's central bank is threatening to delist the dollar from stability indexes."
"So no more stability badges?"
"Also," Janet added, holding up her phone, "you're now in four different global WhatsApp group chats with world leaders, because they think it's the only way to keep track of you."
She opened one: "Asia-Pacific Lads+1"
Latest message:
[PM_Japan]: tell blake not to send more pigeon pics
[Blake_USA]: but he looks regal in this one
[PM_India]: bro STOP
---
Later that day, I tried to salvage things by holding a press conference.
I wore a suit.
I combed my hair.
I had talking points.
"America remains committed to global stability, trade equity, and strategic partnerships based on—"
"Mr. President!" a reporter interrupted. "Is it true you made Vietnam your 'official noodle ally'?"
"I… said we should have noodle diplomacy. Not the same thing."
"What does that mean?"
"Free pho at summits. Obviously."
Janet made a noise like a dying printer.
---
To fix things, Janet arranged a high-level video call with the G20 leaders.
"It's damage control," she warned. "Do not be yourself."
"Got it. Be someone else."
"No—wait—!"
Too late. I clicked Join Call.
---
The screen filled with grim, important faces. Merkel. Macron. Kishida. Even Putin. All staring at me like I was a substitute teacher who'd lost the lesson plan.
"I just want to start by saying," I began, "that I understand the importance of leadership, diplomacy, and—"
Greg the pigeon flew across the camera and landed on my head.
Silence.
Then Macron burst out laughing.
Putin cracked a grin.
Kishida typed "lol" in the chat.
I blinked.
"…So," I said, "we good?"
---
Amazingly, that broke the tension.
Macron changed the chat name to "G20, but fun now."
The Saudi prince shared a pigeon meme with laser eyes.
Angela Merkel started sending German pigeon facts.
By the end of the call, we had:
Reinstated four trade deals.
Agreed on a bird-themed climate initiative.
And launched a side Discord server for "less formal chats."
"I hate this timeline," Janet muttered.
---
Back in the U.S., the press had no idea what to make of it.
Some headlines:
NYT: "The Accidental Diplomat: How Chaos Became Policy"
BBC: "World Leaders Bond Over Bird-Based Buffoonery"
VICE: "Pigeon President Might Be Onto Something"
Even my approval rating ticked up.
The younger demographic didn't care about sanctions. They cared about authenticity. Chaos. Meme potential.
Janet stared at the latest polling graph.
"This presidency is powered by sheer absurdity."
"Then let's fly with it," I said.
Greg cooed approvingly.