Nolan blinked slowly, his brain struggling to catch up with the absurd situation. One moment he was peacefully asleep, and the next, he found himself standing in the middle of an arena surrounded by hundreds of cheering warrior women.
His gaze landed on the woman in front of him—a stunning beauty with raven-black hair and a glare that could melt steel. Her face was a whirlwind of emotions—anger, jealousy, envy... and was that adoration? Nolan wasn't sure, and frankly, he didn't care. He just wanted to go back to sleep.
"You! Man! State your name!" the woman—Hancock, he presumed—demanded, striking a dramatic pose with her hand pointed at him.
Nolan sighed. "Nolan..." he mumbled, his voice barely above a whisper.
The crowd erupted.
"Nolan...!"
"His voice is like a gentle breeze~"
"I shall name my firstborn after him!"
"You hussy! I already called dibs on that!"
Hancock's eye twitched violently as her subjects completely ignored her, too busy fantasizing about Nolan's hypothetical children.
"SILENCE!" she shrieked, snapping them back to reality. "Since you have participated in this competition," she said, glaring at Nolan as if this was somehow his fault, "you must face me in three categories. Beauty, Wisdom, and Strength!"
Nolan's face went pale. Three categories?! That was way too much effort. He hadn't even agreed to compete!
Before he could protest, Gloriosa stepped forward. "The first round—Beauty—will begin shortly! Contestants have five minutes to prepare their outfits!"
The moment the words left her mouth, chaos erupted.
Three-quarters of the warriors stampeded toward Nolan, nearly trampling each other in their desperation to dress him up. The remaining quarter reluctantly shuffled toward Hancock, their longing glances at Nolan making it clear where they'd rather be.
"Wait—stop—I didn't agree to—" Nolan tried to protest, but his voice was drowned out by the frenzy.
One warrior held up a silken robe. "This will complement his eyes!"
Another shoved her aside. "No! This armor will highlight his strength!"
A third burst into tears. "He's perfect just as he is!"
Meanwhile, Hancock stood fuming as her own attendants half-heartedly adjusted her already flawless outfit.
"Empress, you look... adequate," one muttered, clearly distracted by the Nolan-themed circus happening across the arena.
Hancock's eye twitched. Adequate?!
Nolan, now being forcibly dressed in an absurdly ornate ensemble, looked like a man who had accepted his fate.
"...Can I just forfeit?" he asked weakly.
"NO!" the crowd roared.
Hancock smirked. "You will compete, and you will lose!"
Nolan sighed.
The arena buzzed with anticipation as Gloriosa clapped her hands. "First category - Beauty! Contestants will present themselves one at a time!"
Hancock smirked, tossing her raven hair over her shoulder. Finally, a chance to remind these traitorous women who truly deserved their worship. She watched with satisfaction as Nolan was practically carried to the staging area by overeager warriors, his golden ceremonial armor slipping precariously off one shoulder.
"Contestant Nolan, you're first!" Gloriosa announced.
Nolan blinked slowly, then stood with the enthusiasm of a man heading to his own execution. As he stretched his arms above his head, an enormous, jaw-cracking yawn escaped his lips.
The crowd lost their collective minds.
"Even his uvula is exquisite!" a warrior swooned, fanning herself.
"The way his Adam's apple bobs! Perfection!" another cried, clutching her chest.
Hancock's perfect eyebrow twitched. This wasn't happening. She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Since when did a lazy yawn upstage years of practiced elegance?
When Nolan shuffled forward, his loose armor pieces began raining down with metallic clangs. First the pauldron, then the breastplate, until he stood in just the ornate greaves and a very confused expression.
"...Are we done yet?" he mumbled, scratching his ribs where the armor had been.
The judges' scorecards flashed perfect 10s. One had even written "11/10 - Revolutionary rib-scratching technique."
Hancock saw red.
"MY TURN!" she declared, storming onto the stage. Her carefully choreographed routine involved no less than seven hair flips, three hip swings, and a dramatic cape flourish that sent rose petals spiraling through the air.
The crowd gave polite applause. Someone in back yawned conspicuously.
For the final comparison, Gloriosa made them stand side-by-side. The moment Nolan took his place, nature itself seemed to rebel against Hancock.
Every flower in the arena turned to face Nolan like sunflowers to the sun while rainbow inexplicably materialized over his head
The final insult came when her beloved snake Salome abandoned her shoulders to curl affectionately around Nolan's leg.
"Traitor!" Hancock hissed - both at the snake and the swooning crowd.
Nolan, oblivious, absently petted Salome's head. "So... does this mean I can go back to sleep?"
The warriors' deafening cheers answered for him.
"THERE WILL BE A NEXT ROUND!" Hancock shrieked, her voice cracking as a single tear streaked through her melting makeup.
The arena still buzzed from the beauty round scandal as Gloriosa cleared her throat. "Second category—Wisdom! Contestants will answer profound philosophical questions to demonstrate their intellect!"
Hancock smirked, flipping her hair. Finally, a category she could dominate. She had studied properly before. This lazy oaf wouldn't stand a chance.
Nolan, who had been dozing off against a pillar, blinked slowly. "Wisdom...? Can't we just skip to the napping part?"
Nonetheless, that was ignored as Gloriosa posed the first question: "What is the true meaning of existence?"
Hancock struck a regal pose. "Existence is the pursuit of perfection—of beauty, power, and absolute dominance over those beneath you!" The crowd murmured appreciatively.
Nolan stared blankly. "...To do nothing and appreciate life?"
The warriors gasped.
"So profound!"
"He understands life's simple pleasures!"
"10/10 wisdom!"
Hancock's eye twitched.
Gloriosa proceeded with the next question. "How would you solve hunger across the seas?"
Hancock waved a hand dismissively. "The weak starve. The strong take what they deserve. This is natural law."
Nolan yawned. "Just... share food? And take sleep after eating?"
The crowd erupted in cheers.
"Revolutionary!"
"Sharing AND napping? Genius!"
"Why hasn't the World Government thought of this?!"
Hancock's left eyelid began twitching uncontrollably.
They continued with the third question in utter excitement. "What is the wisest way to resolve a dispute?"
Hancock scoffed. "Petrification. Every single time."
Nolan scratched his head. "Uh... ignore it until it goes away?"
A warrior fainted from the brilliance. Two others started feverishly taking notes.
The final blow, Gloriosa squinted at her scroll. "Last question. If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self—"
"Sleep more," Nolan interrupted, already turning to leave. "Definitely sleep more."
The crowd lost their minds.
"The simplicity! The elegance!"
"He's a philosopher king!"
"Cancel the other categories—we have our winner!"
Hancock stood frozen, her carefully prepared "inspirational" speech about conquering your enemies dying on her lips. Her eye twitches synchronized into a full-face spasm as she realized,
She was getting utterly destroyed by a man whose entire philosophy could fit on a napkin.
From the sidelines, Gloriosa nodded sagely. "Truly, the wisest man is the one who knows the value of doing nothing."
Nolan, already halfway to a comfy-looking patch of grass, called over his shoulder: "Exactly. Now if you'll excuse me, I've wasted enough energy today."
As he faceplanted into the grass and immediately began snoring, the warriors erupted in fresh applause. Hancock's scream of frustration startled several birds from the trees.
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