"Out loud"
'3'rd pov thinking'
System talk
===============================================================What is one and only true emotion?
Many would say that it is love. They would be wrong.
Another would say that it is happiness. They would be lying.
Some would say that it is hate. They would be closer, but still not right.
It is FEAR.
Many will be confused, even angered. Do not worry, I will explain.
It is simple, really. FEAR is the source of all other emotions.
Hate? We hate something if you fear it or this something will make us feel fear about something else.
Sadness? We lost something and we fear of losing something again.
Happiness? It is a lie we all tell ourselves. We trap ourselves in it to not feel fear, yet in the end all lies are broken.
Love? Love does not even exist! We romanticized reproductive process and made it fancy. But some might say: "Love comes from attachment and attachments really exist!" And you will be right in at least half of your statement. Yes connections between people do exist. But I still stand correct, because humans are all social creatures, and we simply fear being alone.
This is the most important truth about our lives that I learned growing up.
Let me tell you how I found it out.
It all started with a lie.
Alexandra Shtern, originally Stern, but changed it to connect pronunciation and spelling of her surname, was an average young woman: brunette, dark-brown eyes, calm and easy-going character. She worked as a waitress in a small restaurant in East-end of Gotham. One day, while working, met a simple man named Stan Smith. They fell in "love" with each over rather fast, all it took was few regular visits by Stan and a little bit of compliments. He worked as a shop clerk and after some time they decided to rent a flat together. There they lived a humble, but "happy" life. But it was shortly ended by one bad day.
Alexandra was just going to her job through an alley, got noticed by some horny gangster, who had a bad night, and got raped. She felt degusted with herself and afraid that Stan will leave her. He naively believed you should keep your virginity till marriage. So she decided to keep it a secret.
Until Alexandra discovered that she was pregnant. Stan was devastated to say the least. He nearly left her, but against all odds they managed to keep their relationship. They were not as close as before, of course.
And after 9 months Isaak Shtern was born. Before his birth, after a long and not so calm discussion, his parents decided to leave him in the church, not far from their flat, for him to grow up there. But fate was not on their side. On his way form church, Stan was mugged and killed, after he tried to stop a mobster from stealing his car.
Alexandra was devastated. Now she had to keep that cursed baby just to sustain her normal live, thanks to all the "single parent benefits" it brought. As you can already guess, she had no love for her child. Of course! It destroyed her life, her relationship and took a love of her life! And now it had to live with her as a constant reminder of all the pain it brought to her.
It was a miracle that Isaak survived his infant years. Constant malnourishment and general disregard of his existence from his mother made him weak and sickly. When he turned 4 Alexandra started vanish to her "work" for all day. She gave him only one meal a day and if he tried to eat more he was beaten. She just was seeking an excuse to hurt him. When she came from her "work" with new boyfriends, he was locked up in a wardrobe, for him not to be seen. Isaak didn't understand why his mother did this to him. His early childhood was horrible, but it was only going to get worse.
When he started to go to school he immediately became a target for bullies for his appearance. Why? Isaac was born with albinism, which made his hair white and eyes light blue. Every day he came home with bruises, only to get beaten at home. Nobody cared for his condition, not his peers, not his teachers and especially not his mother.
Every new year was getting worse than the previous one. It started with his mother drinking more and more, until she could not be sober for a few minutes anymore. New boyfriends she brought were getting worse by the day. Each one was more disgusting than the other. They too sometimes had beaten Isaak. "To teach him, how the word works" they said. They just wanted to feel in control over something in their life, easiest way was to hurt Isaak.
When Isaak was already nearly 18, Alexandra met the worst one yet, the guy introduced her to drugs and she could not say no. From that moment Isaak's life was ruined even more than before. They were so short on money he had to steal food just to survive, and even that food was mostly taken away from him by his step-father and mother, who only at the time did only 5 things: sleep, eat, shit, get high and fuck. Not specifically in that order.
But after all, this hell of a life had to end. Isaak has returned from his last day of school, he thought he could be finally free from at least half of his tormentors. He opened the old, almost broken, door to his "home". Very strong stench of filth and sweat immediately hit his nose. After all this years he already got used to it. His mother and new father "Gary" were naked in kitchen, sitting by the almost ruined wooden table, smoking something illegal.
Isaak's arrival was only noticed by the bastard, even though he was still high. "Ah, little shit is here! Good, now we to find a way to entertain ourselves. Get up, Bitch!" Alexandra was unresponsive, something was wrong. Her eyes were like glass and she was not moving.
"Mother!" Isaak rushed to his mother, only to get interrupted by Gary. "Now, where are we going? I am talking to you, you bastard! Don't ignore me!" Only due to his sorry state, Gary was pushes aside.
Isaak embraced his mother in his arms, trying to get some response. She had a pulse and was breathing very slow. When finally Alexandra's eyes moved and looked towards her son, her expression changed. She was afraid of him? And then sudden realization hit him like a train. As if she put down the last peace of the giant puzzle she was building all these long 18 years.
Alexandra feared him, she was afraid he will inflict more pain to her, than he already did. That's why she hated him! The same moment Isaak made his decision, he will not be guided by fear, he will control it, harness it to be better... His thoughts was interrupted by a hit to the head, hard enough to make him loose consciousness.
After realizing that he could have killed the boy, Gary, still in his high state, decided to get rid of the body. He immediately moved unconscious boy to his truck, somehow drove to a nearby forest, found some shack in the middle of the woods and just left Isaak there.
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"Ah, fucking shit, my head! Now I know why did my head hurt so much, when I woke up here. In DC of all things." Now I know what to do. Through fear I will become stronger, faster, BETTER! Even if I have to get rid of my humanity in the prosses, I will continue. Two lives I lived without purpose, without meaning, without a goal. Now nothing will stop me in my path."
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Hi. Gorb here. This chapter stinks and I don't know why. Write your thoughts about it, please.
I hope next chapter will be more interesting...
Good night.