Li Wei was convinced he'd pissed off some cosmic barista deity in a past life. Transcendent Brews was teetering on the edge of apocalypse, with his espresso machine glowing like a supernova and belting out "Brew… the Dao… unite…" like it was auditioning for a cult. The shop's windows were shattered, the ceiling was cracked, and tribulation thunder rumbled outside, a low growl that made Li Wei's teeth ache. Senior White's coffee-stained talisman was sparking like a broken transformer, its storm cloud now a swirling vortex that threatened to suck the roof off. Soft Feather was filming the chaos on her phone, Song Shuhang was clutching a defensive talisman and muttering prayers, Su Clan's Sixteen stood ready with her sword, and Doudou was barking insults at the Black Tiger Sect cultivators, who were cowering near the door. Grand Elder Iron Roar, still dripping with espresso, looked torn between awe and terror. True Monarch Yellow Mountain was trying to calm the group, Venerable Spirit Butterfly sipped his flat white like he was at a tea party, and Fairy Lychee twirled her peach-shaped fan, giggling at the madness. Thrice Reckless Mad Saber was chanting "Tribulation! Tribulation!" like a sports fan, while Medicine Master and Riverly Purple Mist hovered over the espresso machine, their jade tools beeping like a sci-fi lab.
Li Wei stood behind the counter, gripping a wrench and an espresso, his sarcasm dialed to eleven. "Okay, let's get this straight," he said, glaring at the machine. "My coffee maker's preaching, my shop's about to get zapped by heavenly lightning, and you're telling me my beans are from another dimension? Somebody pinch me, because this can't be real."
Medicine Master looked up, his glasses glinting. "Fellow Daoist Li, I'm certain now—the primal qi in your coffee grounds isn't from this world. It's likely tied to your arrival here. We need to test your qi to confirm."
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "Test my qi? I'm a barista, not a cultivator! I don't have qi, I have anxiety and a caffeine buzz!"
Riverly Purple Mist smirked, sipping her latte. "Anxiety's just untapped qi, Barista. You're giving off more energy than you think. That machine's feeding on it."
Li Wei pointed the wrench at her. "Don't you start. I'm not feeding anything except my student loans!"
Soft Feather bounced over, her eyes sparkling. "Transcendent Barista, this is epic! Your machine's summoning a tribulation! You're like a hidden immortal guiding it to ascend!"
"It's not ascending!" Li Wei snapped. "It's malfunctioning! I just want to sell lattes, not host Armageddon!"
Su Clan's Sixteen sheathed her sword, her voice calm but firm. "Fellow Daoist Li, yelling won't help. That machine's energy is spiking, and the tribulation's getting closer. We need to stabilize it."
Li Wei groaned, chugging his espresso. "Stabilize? It's a coffee maker, not a nuclear reactor! How do you stabilize a haunted appliance?"
True Monarch Yellow Mountain stepped forward, his aura steadying the trembling shop. "We'll need a formation. Senior White, can you adjust the talisman to dampen the tribulation qi?"
Senior White looked up, his serene smile unshaken despite the vortex above him. "I can try, Fellow Daoist. The talisman's reacting to the machine's spirit. Perhaps more coffee grounds?" He reached for a bag of beans, and a bolt of lightning shot out, singeing Doudou's tail.
Doudou yelped, hopping onto the counter. "Watch it, pretty boy! Barista Guy, tell your machine to chill before it fries my fur!"
Li Wei glared at the dog. "Tell it yourself, mutt! I'm not its mom!"
Fairy Lychee giggled, twirling her fan. "Oh, this is too fun! Transcendent Barista, your shop's the most exciting place in Jiangnan City. Can I have another cappuccino while we save the world?"
Li Wei groaned, starting a cappuccino. "Sure, why not. If we're all gonna die, might as well go out caffeinated." He worked fast, the machine's glow pulsing brighter, like it was *enjoying* the chaos. He slid the cup to Fairy Lychee, muttering, "If this thing starts chanting again, I'm out."
The Nine Provinces Number One Group chat pinged relentlessly:
Soft Feather : Transcendent Barista's machine is summoning a tribulation! It's a divine artifact! @Transcendent Barista, you're a legend!
Fairy Lychee : This cappuccino's divine, and the chaos is divine-er! @Transcendent Barista, keep rocking it!
Doudou : Yo, my tail's singed! @Transcendent Barista, get that machine under control before I bite it!
Medicine Master : The machine's qi is otherworldly. @Transcendent Barista, I'm preparing a formation to test your qi. Stay calm.
Li Wei slammed his phone down. "Calm? My shop's a lightning rod, and you want calm?!"
Grand Elder Iron Roar staggered to his feet, his espresso-soaked beard trembling. "Transcendent Barista, this artifact is a calamity! The Black Tiger Sect will return with allies to claim it! You cannot defy us forever!" He gestured to his followers, who limped out, casting fearful glances at the machine.
Li Wei groaned, rubbing his temples. "Allies? Great, now I've got a sect hit list. Can this day get any worse?"
The machine answered with a deafening *roar*, and a massive lotus of steam filled the shop, glowing like a beacon. Its voice echoed, deeper and louder: "Brew… the Dao… ascend…" The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman flared, and a torrent of lightning struck the machine, making the shop shake like an earthquake. The tribulation thunder outside grew louder, and a faint glow lit the sky, like the heavens were warming up for a show.
True Monarch Yellow Mountain's eyes narrowed. "That's a third-stage tribulation. If we don't contain it, this shop's done for."
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "Third-stage? My shop's not built for lightning! Somebody do something!"
Medicine Master looked up, his jade tool beeping frantically. "Fellow Daoist Li, your qi is the key. The machine's spirit is tied to you. If we channel your energy into a formation, we can dampen the tribulation."
Li Wei waved the wrench. "Channel my energy? I don't have energy! I'm running on fumes and coffee!"
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped closer, her voice steady. "You're more than you think, Fellow Daoist. That machine's reacting to you, not just the grounds. Let Medicine Master try."
Li Wei groaned, slumping against the counter. "Fine, poke me with your magic sticks. But if I turn into a coffee god, I'm suing."
Medicine Master pulled out a glowing crystal, gesturing for Li Wei to stand in the center of the shop. "Hold still, Fellow Daoist. This will measure your qi." He waved the crystal, which hummed and pulsed with light. The machine let out a hiss, and a stream of glowing grounds swirled around Li Wei, forming a faint lotus pattern.
Li Wei froze, the wrench slipping from his hand. "What the hell? Why's it doing that?"
Medicine Master's eyes widened. "Incredible… your qi is resonating with the grounds. It's faint, but it's there—a trace of primal energy, like the machine's spirit. You're not a cultivator, but you're… something else."
"Something else?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "I'm a barista! I make coffee, not miracles!"
Riverly Purple Mist smirked, leaning against the counter. "Keep telling yourself that, Barista. You're giving off more qi than half the rookies in this room."
Soft Feather clapped, dodging a stray spark. "Transcendent Barista, you're awakening! Your qi's merging with the machine's spirit! This is so cool!"
"It's not cool!" Li Wei yelled. "It's a lawsuit waiting to happen!"
Senior White stood, his talisman now a blazing orb of runes. "Fellow Daoist Li, your qi is stabilizing the machine. I'll adjust the talisman to channel it." He sprinkled more grounds, and the storm cloud rumbled, sending a bolt of lightning that struck the floor, leaving a scorch mark.
Li Wei's heart stopped. "No more grounds! You're gonna blow us all to the next dimension!"
But the machine let out another boom , and a wave of spiritual energy surged, making the shop tremble. The lotus of steam grew, its glow blinding, and the voice echoed: "Brew… the Dao… protect…" A stream of espresso shot out, forming a shimmering barrier around the counter, blocking a stray lightning bolt from the storm cloud.
Song Shuhang gasped, his talisman flickering. "Fellow Daoist Li, your machine's… shielding us?"
Li Wei stared, his espresso cup trembling. "Shielding? It's gone rogue! I'm not insured for this!"
Fairy Lychee giggled, twirling her fan. "Rogue? It's a hero! Transcendent Barista, you've got a guardian spirit!"
"It's not a spirit!" Li Wei yelled. "It's a coffee maker!"
Venerable Spirit Butterfly set down his cup, his voice cutting through the chaos. "Fellow Daoist Li, this is no mere machine. Its spirit is tied to your presence here. You may not be a cultivator, but you're part of this world's fabric now."
Li Wei groaned, chugging his espresso. "Fabric? I'm just trying to pay my rent, not weave destiny!"
Doudou barked, hopping onto the counter. "Rent's overrated, Barista Guy. You're running a spirit café now. Embrace it!"
"Embrace it?" Li Wei said, waving the wrench. "I'm one spark away from torching the place!"
Before anyone could respond, the door jingled, and a new figure slunk in—a lanky man with a hooded cloak and a sly grin, holding a bronze mirror that shimmered with qi. Li Wei's brain pinged: Immortal Master Copper Trigram, the group's shady fortune-teller and chaos gremlin.
"Well, well," Copper Trigram said, his voice dripping with mischief. "I heard about a talking coffee maker, so I had to see it. Transcendent Barista, you're stirring up more trouble than I do. Got a brew for me?"
Li Wei groaned, starting an espresso. "Sure, why not. If the sky's gonna fall, might as well caffeinate the audience." He slid the cup to Copper Trigram, who sipped it and let out a dramatic sigh.
"This… is fate in a cup," Copper Trigram said, his mirror glowing. "Barista, your coffee's got the heavens in a tizzy. Want me to read your fortune?"
"No!" Li Wei snapped. "No fortunes, no fates, just coffee!"
But the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat was already blowing up:
Immortal Master Copper Trigram : Transcendent Barista's espresso is cosmic! @Transcendent Barista, your fortune's wild—wanna hear it?
Fairy Lychee : Copper Trigram's here! @Transcendent Barista, don't trust his readings—he's a scam!
Soft Feather : The machine's shielding us! @Transcendent Barista, you're a spirit master!
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Yo, Barista's got a tribulation and a fortune-teller! @Transcendent Barista, this shop's a riot!
Li Wei groaned, slamming his phone down. "Why is everyone in this group a lunatic?"
The machine let out a final roar , and a massive lotus of steam filled the shop, its glow blinding. The voice echoed, louder than ever: "Brew… the Dao… ascend…" The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman unleashed a torrent of lightning, striking the machine's barrier, which held firm. The tribulation thunder outside grew deafening, and a bolt of heavenly lightning cracked the sky, visible through the shattered windows.
True Monarch Yellow Mountain shouted, "Formation, now! Senior White, dampen the talisman!"
Senior White nodded, adjusting the talisman's runes, but the machine let out another *hiss*, and a stream of glowing grounds swirled around Li Wei, forming a faint coffee cup shape. Medicine Master's crystal flared, and he gasped. "Fellow Daoist Li, your qi… it's amplifying the machine! You're the anchor!"
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "Anchor? I'm not anchoring anything! I'm a barista!"
Su Clan's Sixteen grabbed his arm, her voice urgent. "Fellow Daoist, focus. Channel your energy—think about coffee, brewing, anything!"
"Think about coffee?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "I'm thinking about not dying!"
But the machine's barrier pulsed, and Li Wei felt a strange warmth in his chest, like his caffeine buzz had turned into something… more. The grounds around him glowed brighter, and the machine's voice softened: "Brew… together…"
Li Wei groaned, closing his eyes. "Fine, you haunted toaster. Let's brew." He pictured his old barista days—grinding beans, pulling shots, steaming milk—and the machine hummed, its barrier stabilizing. The storm cloud shrank, and the tribulation thunder faded to a low rumble.
The cultivators gasped, and Soft Feather clapped. "Transcendent Barista, you did it! You tamed the tribulation!"
"I didn't tame anything!" Li Wei yelled, opening his eyes. "I just thought about coffee!"
Medicine Master scribbled furiously. "Incredible… your qi synchronized with the machine. Fellow Daoist Li, you're not just a barista—you're a conduit."
Li Wei slumped against the counter, chugging another espresso. "Conduit, my ass. Somebody get me a stronger brew before I pass out."
---