I de-boarded the train and hired an Ola cab to head to my home. There was no excitement in me to meet mom. Maybe I did not want to see her defeated face again. And Dad, I wasn't even sure if he would want to see me, I certainly didn't want to meet him. After all, I was the biggest disappointment of his life; and he, mine.
The two BHK flat was sufficient for my parents. It was not the home where we had grown up, thanks to my father's transferable job. My father had purchased this flat after retirement, wishing the family to stay together. My father's greatest dream was to have a loving family that would serve as a reward for all his hard work. Like all great dreams, this one was also unrealistic.
I was meeting mom after nearly one year. I approached her whenever I needed money. Occasionally, I would call my mom to check on her health, but she called me every Sunday. This was the uniqueness of a mother. She refused to hate even a person like me.
They say the best medicine in the world is a mother's hug. When I hugged my mom, I forgot about everything else that was happening in life.
After asking about my health and well-being and confirming about hers, she asked, 'All well? You are coming to Rome in February. Exams would be going on at the school right now. How did your school allow you?'
I found mom's behaviour a little different this time around. She had always welcomed me home and not questioned why or how I had landed there.
'I was missing my mom,' I said with a smile.
'Seriously? You were missing your mom? Has something bad happened?'
'Need something bad happen for me to meet you, mom?' I asked perplexed, as she handed me a glass of water.
'Last time when you said you are missing me, you were fired from your first job.'
Moms know more than anyone. I smiled. I wanted to hug her and cry but did not.
I asked about Noah and other relatives, and Mom updated me. There were happy things going on with Maternal uncle, Maternal aunt and paternal uncle. After speaking to mom, I realized, I still had so many relatives.
I changed and ate, talking at length with mom about nothing in particular. I was really unwinding. Next evening, mom and I were watching television. As usual, my father had gone off to sleep early. It was around 10 p.m. and mom was watching some TV serials, back-to-back. I knew Dad was not sleeping early because of me, but because the queen of the house had the TV remote. I was not really a fan of these programmes but was just giving her company.
'Have you spoken to Noah lately?' she asked me, out of the blue. 'No, Mom. He never calls…' the pause was thoughtful, '… so I don't.'
There were many unsaid things in that silence. She understood, and so did I.
'He is just two hours away from your place. At least you could try meeting him once.'
This was not the first time mom had urged me to bridge the gap that had built between us. How could I tell her that I had closed that road myself? It was awkward for me to face my loving brother after whatever had happened.
Mom's continuous chant was difficult to bear. I planned to bring up the relevant topic for which I was there.
'Mom, the school will break after exams. Since I am not a permanent faculty, they are not going to pay me—'
'Didn't you say while moving that you are joining as a permanent faculty?' she cut me short.
This is the problem with mothers. They remember way more than they should, and do not understand administrative excuses much.
'No, Mom. No work, no salary.' 'So, no salary for two months?' 'Three months.'
Understanding dawned soon after, and my loving mom asked the question I had been waiting for.
'How much money would be sufficient?'
'No clue,' I took a long breath, giving the impression that I was tensed.
I knew she wouldn't have much saved, but I also knew a source from where she could manage it.
'Let me try….'
'Are you going to ask Papa?'
'No. Papa will not be ready to give anything easily. He will have a million questions...'
'So, you are going to ask Noah?' I spoke as though she was compromising my self-respect.
'I am not sure if he would be willing to help you. Let's see if I can do something.'
My mother's words had so many ifs and buts, but the thing which I appreciated in mom was, she was resourceful. It was not the first time I was asking money from her. She had always arranged something for me.
I picked up the remote and switched to news channels. Randomly flipping through, I stopped at ABP News. The anchor with a dense beard was howling his lungs out – "… slicing through the silence , will leave Numb…" – he was hosting the show in his signature style.
I often wondered if he was hired by the channel to scare people. To my sheer bad luck, today he was hosting the show on a serial rapist.
He shouted in his patent style, which was quite unpleasant to the ears, 'Meet this rapist! Radio cab driver misbehaves with a helpless lady passenger…'
How typical of my dear Rome, I thought! Even when a dog barks, the media reports it as howling.
That's when my mother said, 'What a monster!'and I noticed this strange thing. Instead of thinking about the woman who was the victim, I was thinking of the driver. I was trying to understand his mind frame, of why he had forced himself on the lady.
I was shaken out of my thoughts and turned to her. 'How disgusting!'my mother repeated, rattled by the news.
I changed the channel immediately. I found it very uncomfortable to watch such a thing in my mother's presence. A voice inside me poked that I had been doing a whole lot behind her back, even inside her home, then why was I so conscious now? I was stunned. I just sat back and ignored the voice of my conscience.
'I don't know why men look for forceful sexual satisfaction. This desire is so prevalent nowadays,' I spoke to my mom. She was not Aristotle or some philosopher, but she was a woman. Moreover, the woman who brought me into this world.
'Every human being has some desire, Thomas. Sometimes, they can control the desire, and sometimes, the desire controls them.'
If that would have been a speech given in Europe, she could have been considered the new philosopher of the century. But she was imparting a stale theory to a son, who only understood his own desires.
'If desire is so harmless, how do you think some can control it, while others cannot?'
My mother was thinking and answering all my questions, perhaps indulging in a general discussion. The truth was, I was talking about myself. Then she asked me something.
'What do you see when you see a woman?'
Seeing me hesitate, she urged, 'You can talk to me openly, Thomas. I am your mother.'
I closed my eyes. The darkness in front of them helped me share my dark thoughts. 'I see them naked. I see the body. Their thighs, legs… nipples, act as the deepest energy source.'
I snapped my eyes open, staring at my mother in sheer disbelief. I had spoken out loud like this for the first time and I was scared that she would judge me. How would I ever face my mother now, I wondered!
She considered my revelations for a few seconds, her expression blank. But when she spoke, I heard the loving mother who refused to give up on her son. 'Do you see me like that, Thomas?'
'Mom, please!' I screeched, disgusted. 'How can you talk like that?'
'I am also a woman. Why have you never thought about me like that?' 'You are my mother, that's why!'
'A woman is a mother, a sister, a friend, a daughter to someone. You can understand these relationships better when you become a father or a husband. A relationship is the mother of all feelings. You will realise that she is not just a body, she is much more than that.'
q
I had spent a couple of nice days with her and was all set to leave for Verona. I had just finished packing my bag. I did not inform papa about my departure, because he wasn't bothered.
'Thomas, I will come from the ATM…'
The word "ATM" always puts a smile on my face.
Mom returned in fifteen minutes. I waited a couple of minutes for her to hand over the cash, but none came.
I said, twice, 'Mom, I am calling the taxi.'
She nodded silently, and I noticed sadness on her face. I understood, she had failed to arrange money for her son. My emergency backup money-bank had been robbed, either by my brother or my father. The cab arrived soon after and I took my leave. Just when I was about to step out, I saw tears in her eyes. I had not hugged her, or even cared to say some good words which a mom deserves to hear. But she was a mother. She came up to me and gave me a hug. After a few seconds in her embrace, I said, 'I love you, Mom.' It was the voice of my heart, and no planning had gone behind these simple words.
'I plan to visit Noah for a month in July. I will be there till 15th August. Do come once, if possible,' she said amidst sobs.
'You know it well enough, Mom. I will not come to his house.' 'You can come to meet me.'
'Ok, I will try…' I said, dismissively.
She gave me the tiffin box she had made for my journey, and I left for Verona, in despair.
I had been on the train for two hours. A hawker came into the compartment, selling biscuits and wafers. I felt like having some, and
slipped my hand in the pocket to dig out change. I found a crumpled piece of paper instead.
Thomas,
I understand the tough time you are going through.
Sorry to say, I asked for money from Noah. I di d not say any thing to you be cause you might have refused t o take Noah's help.
The cash is i n the tiffin box. Please do visit your brother.
You might see many shades in a woman, but I see only a s on in you. Your mother.
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