The diner was called The Last Sip Before the Apocalypse, and the coffee tasted like existential dread with a splash of cream. Emily, Jax, and Rafe sat in a cracked vinyl booth beneath a buzzing neon sign that blinked between "WE'RE OPEN" and "YOU'LL REGRET THIS."
"Smells like brimstone and bad decisions," Jax muttered, eyeing the menu. "And that's just the pancakes."
Rafe twirled a spoon between his fingers. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
A waiter slithered over. Literally slithered. He had the upper body of a man and the lower body of a very tired boa constrictor. "Welcome. The special today is fire-grilled despair with a side of hollandaise. Water's extra. So is hope."
Emily sighed. "We'll take three breakfasts and a map to the next portal."
The waiter hissed and vanished in a puff of resentment.
Scene One: Demon Debt Collectors
Their meal was interrupted by the arrival of a squad of demon tax auditors. Dressed in pinstriped cloaks and wielding pens that bled ink and secrets, they slammed a folder onto their table.
"Emily Evershade, Jax Holloway, and Rafe McGivern," said the head auditor, a crusty old imp with bifocals and a clipboard the size of a coffin. "You owe seventeen years of interdimensional back taxes, five unpaid soul receipts, and a library fine from the Forgotten Archives of Agony."
Rafe leaned forward. "How much if we pay in sarcasm?"
The imp narrowed his eyes. "Double."
They ran.
Scene Two: The Hot Tub of Prophetic Regrets
They fled into a forest made of wine corks and regret trees. At the center was a bubbling hot tub attended by three spa witches.
"You may cleanse your sins in the bubbles," one said, stirring the water with a ladle. "But beware—what you see shall haunt you."
Emily climbed in first. A vision swirled: her, standing at the altar with Jax… until a portal ripped open mid-vow and sucked away the bouquet.
Rafe slipped in next. His vision? Himself as a motivational speaker for misunderstood villains.
Jax hesitated. When he finally entered, he saw Emily… bleeding, laughing, burning down a cursed wedding cake with him.
"I'm okay with this," he mumbled.
Scene Three: The Exorcism Speed Dating Event
In the next town over—a cursed fairground called "Wailing Whimsy"—the trio was lured into a tent by a sign that read: SINGLE? POSSESSED? FIND LOVE TODAY!
Inside, dozens of potential partners spun on bar stools while possessed carnival barkers hosted the event.
Jax ended up on a date with a banshee with boundary issues. Rafe flirted with a sentient balloon. Emily's speed date turned out to be her ex-fiancé, now half-goat.
"I got cursed," he said sheepishly.
"I got better," she replied, knocking over his drink.
They left together, hand-in-hand. Not with the dates—just with each other. And Rafe dragged the balloon, now named Greg.
Scene Four: Brunch Bunker Showdown
The demon auditors returned, now riding flaming audit horses. Emily and team made a final stand at a resistance outpost: The Brunch Bunker.
Inside, rebels served cinnamon rolls laced with truth serum and battle-hardened ex-waiters trained in fork combat.
The battle was epic.
Jax dueled a demon in the omelet station.
Rafe lobbed breakfast burritos like grenades.
Emily shouted battle poetry from atop the espresso machine.
When the smoke cleared, the head auditor was defeated—not by violence, but by Rafe proving they technically overpaid their soul tax three dimensions ago.
The auditors wept. "We've been doing it wrong this whole time."
They left to open a bakery.
Scene Five: The Portal of Promises
At the heart of the outpost was a glowing portal that pulsed like a heartbeat. Emily turned to Jax. "You still want this? After everything?"
He took her hand. "Especially after everything."
Rafe threw an arm around both of them. "Then let's make this honeymoon last forever."
Greg the balloon squeaked in agreement.
They stepped through the portal, leaving behind demonic bureaucracy, cursed brunch, and one very confused psychic iguana who waved from the bunker roof.
Scene Six: Bureaucracy in Paradise
They emerged on a floating island in the shape of a coffee mug. The air smelled like vanilla beans and the soft laughter of minor deities. A trio of celestial interns greeted them with clipboards and glowsticks.
"Welcome to the Interdimensional Bureau of Accidental Heroes," said the tallest intern, a glowing orb wearing a tie. "You've been selected for audit forgiveness and a complimentary honeymoon cruise."
Emily blinked. "Is that a yacht shaped like a typewriter?"
"Yes," said the orb. "It writes poetry about your feelings as you sail. Room service includes soul snacks and eternal mimosa refills."
They were escorted aboard. The boat's walls were lined with portrait paintings that changed based on who looked at them. Rafe's portrait winked at him and handed him a cookie.
"This place is weird," said Jax.
"I think I love it," Emily replied.
Scene Seven: Sentient Karaoke Night
That night, the ship hosted karaoke run by a sentient jukebox named DJ Whispers. Emily belted out a battle anthem that caused small localized lightning storms. Jax sang a ballad that summoned a romantic fog.
Then Rafe took the mic.
He didn't sing. He just told knock-knock jokes to a melody line.
The entire audience fell into a trance of confused laughter. Greg the balloon levitated higher than ever before.
"You're hired," said DJ Whispers.
"To do what?" asked Rafe.
"Don't worry. You'll find out."
Scene Eight: The Return of the Goat Fiancé
On the third day of the cruise, Emily's ex reappeared. Still part-goat. Now with a cape.
"I've come to win you back," he said, brandishing a bouquet of screaming lilies.
Emily stepped forward, took the bouquet… and threw it into the ocean.
"That chapter is closed," she said.
Rafe added, "Also, your cape's on backwards."
Humiliated, the ex dove into a lifeboat, which immediately turned into a lemon and sank.
Scene Nine: Confessions in a Hammock
Late that night, under a constellation shaped like a confused octopus, Emily and Jax lay in a hammock that gently rocked above the deck.
"I was afraid," she whispered. "Afraid that loving you meant more chaos."
He touched her cheek. "Chaos is kind of my thing. But you make it worth surviving."
She kissed him then, a soft seal of truth, wrapped in moonlight and sarcasm.
From the upper deck, Rafe raised a toast with Greg. "To weird love. The best kind."
End of Chapter 17