Thinking each matter together before he showed up on the aisle with his father.
It is too silly to take matters the way no one has ever taken. You don't know whom you just married, just with a name you came here and promised everything, accept each vows and regulations, signed for the confirmation and became one from two, still don't know the person, standing right before you! I was feeling the wet of the disobey I showed to my mother. It is now coming back to me ruthlessly. I was in a damn chill and frustrated mood about this day. But somehow, I was in tension, too. How can I settle myself with the guy I never knew? Even the face I hasn't recognised? Does HE know me? I'm sure he does. But maybe not.
I still haven't felt how a groom feels at the time of the wedding. In tension, frustration, worried? I can not separate those. I did not connect my eyes with a crowd because I could not let them think I was not ready for the wedding. I was nervous, I was thinking over. It was all out of my hands. As a punishment knocking me, I am welcoming it. I can not hide my face under a veil, I wish I could!
If I had myself facing the moment in my dreams, I would have woken up or jerked my body off. It is as silly as it had been since last year. Wedding is related to religion, I am feeling God is punishing me, too.
Everybody claps and accepts us with blesses and honors. Holy water sanctified us after Father spattered some drops of it. It somehow made me feel responsible for what I was heading to. I was so sure about the upcoming obstacles. Extra pressure was burning behind my mind. Heart was wishing for the confirmation at the same time. First, all is left for me to see the face and letting myself be assured of my confidence. At least, God can show one last mercy. I never asked for anything to Him.
With the stress, with the agitation, I extend my footsteps towards him. Heart was yearning for lifting the veil, hands were shaking, and my body turned cold. Maybe I can not welcome the moment but wish for confirmation. 50-50 chance! Suddenly, it throws me. I could feel everybody was looking at us, especially me. The unnecessary movements again showed up. But I saved each thing under my throat. It was the moment, I been waiting for since last week. I couldn't sleep properly, as it was hammering my head from back. Couldn't do anything but wait.
I lightly touched his chiffon veil and was going to lift it up. Heard, he was breathing quietly. It was a vague site between us, seems like the chiffon veil created it. I did not go to read or recognise his face through the barrier. It was just not in my limit. I didn't look at him properly when he was closing the distance with his father. I was looking down, too. Thinking, I will see him when he lets me. Thinking, it will not help me to be confirmed in that way. I chose not to know him back in years to, and God punished me for it, and I am not going to create my own way against it. That's why I kept waiting. Never went to go out of the certain limit, my life created itself.
Only being responsible and being prepared was the only side of mine, which was working with me. I held it up to my chest and justified everything. I even had myself fighting for the justice, but never selected ways, what went against it. I just found no other way to walk on. I kept quiet.
I gently lifted the veil to meet, to see whom I just married. Married with only knowing a name. I placed the veil athwart from his forehead on his head. Looked at him, at last. I don't know from how long I did not move. Their claps shook me. The sound was so loud and clear, but I didn't feel. I heard the loud sound of confetti cannons around the altar, which instantly gives me a jolt. I was confused about the uncountable sources of sounds. The excitement filled all around us, as I was managing myself to keep quiet and smile widely. I wish I could.