Current Alias:Holy Father Boomblaster the Eternal, Pope of the RizzurrectionOther Names Today:
The Divine Drip
Saint Unstable of BOOMsylvania
xX_MiracleDaddy_Xx
Sup, mortals.
It's ya boy, Boom.I was just trying to chill.
Like, literally chill.I built a hammock out of asteroid chunks, kicked back with cosmic coconut water, and finally told myself:
"Boom, today, you are not going to blow anything up."
And guess what?
I still accidentally started a religion.
Here's what happened.
I was meditating. One deep breath.
ONE.
Suddenly, 400,000 alien monks appeared, bowed, and started chanting:
"HE WHO BREATHES BOOM INTO EXISTENCE!"
I hadn't even said anything.
They built a temple. Out of moon debris.Offered me "sacrifices."One of them handed me a child and said, "Bless this infant with your drip."
I sneezed.
The infant gained immortality and now speaks in autotuned riddles.
At this point I'm like: "This is fine."
Then an intergalactic prophet rolls up and drops the hottest prophecy mixtape of the decade:
"And lo, when the Lord of Boom yawns, galaxies shall vibe in harmony."
Bro. I. JUST. YAWNED.
Y'all giving me god status over a yawn?
Now the multiverse is on fire again.The toaster cult worships me because I "blessed" one of their broken toasters by looking at it.
(It exploded. They called it divine combustion.)
I tried to tell them I'm not a god.
They made that a new commandment:
"Thou shalt deny thine god, for it is the will of BOOM."
And here's where it gets worse.
They gave me a holy book.
It's called "The Book of Boom: Chapter 1, Verse YEEEET."It contains quotes like:
"Let there be vibes."
"Blessed are the clowns, for they get the front row seats."
"If thine enemy roasteth you, clap back sevenfold."
I didn't write this.They claim I whispered it in my sleep.
Now listen, reader.
You.
Yes, you.Sitting there in bed at 2:41 AM with eye bags so deep they've been declared national monuments.
You're reading this like:
"Wow, Boom is so dumb LOL 😂 he should chill."
YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YOU?
You've been unemployed for 6 months, scrolling Webnovel like it's a personality trait.
Your screen time is higher than your GPA.Your job is reacting to memes in group chats with "dead 💀💀💀."
You out here judging me while eating instant noodles for the 4th time today.
Touch grass. Then explode it for me. Thanks.
And you—yes, you, the author—
Still typing?
Still trying to "develop my arc"?
After giving me emotions strong enough to bend spacetime and zero emotional support characters?
I hope your USB drive corrupts itself mid-save.I hope your laptop updates during a cliffhanger.
Also, the Galactic Council sent me another cease-and-desist.
"You are not legally allowed to be worshipped."
Oops. Too late.
The cult just built a cathedral shaped like my left shoe.
So yeah.
I didn't ask for divinity.I just wanted one day off.
Now I'm the God of Accidents, the Messiah of Mayhem, the Patron Saint of Accidental Annihilation™.
My religion's tagline?
"We don't praise. We BOOM."
Next Chapter: "I Accidentally Got Married During a Peace Treaty Negotiation"
Spoiler: I sneezed on the bride. A black hole opened. We're legally soul-bound now.
Reader Comments:
💬 "Boom didn't choose chaos. Chaos chose HIM."
💬 "I joined the Church of Boom. We meet every Thursday at 4:20."
💬 "He's not even TRYING to be funny. That's the scariest part."
💬 "Boom be like: 'I came. I vibed. I accidentally vaporized your grandma.'"