THE UGLY TRUTH: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
HEADLINE: THIRD EYE BLIND—AND THE GOVERNMENT'S HIDING JESUS BEHIND ROSETTA STONE
BREAKING NEWS:
Parents everywhere are worried about their kids' "third eye" opening, but let's be honest—most of us are still struggling to open our second one before noon. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists say the government is hiding the real Jesus, but you'll need a Rosetta Stone subscription and a PhD in stupidity to find him.
SPECIAL REPORT:
NO POSTCODE ENVY, JUST SPIRITUAL FOMO
Pop star Lorde once said, "We don't come from money, but every song's like, 'No postcode envy.'" But if you're waiting for your third eye to open and upgrade your zip code, you might want to check your WiFi connection first. The only thing most of us are channeling is last night's leftover pizza.
EXPERT ANALYSIS:
If the government really is hiding Jesus, you can bet they've got him locked up behind a password-protected Duolingo account, sandwiched between "Learn Ancient Greek" and "How to Say 'Messiah' in Emoji."
URGENT UPDATE: THE ROSETTA STONE CONSPIRACY
THEORY:
What if the real reason nobody can find Jesus is because he's been lost in translation—literally? Every time someone gets close, the government just adds another language pack or releases a new "Beginner's Guide to Aramaic for Dummies."
WITNESS REPORT:
"I tried to ask Siri where Jesus was, and she just sent me to the nearest Chick-fil-A."
THE UGLY TRUTH: THE TAKEAWAY
If you're worried about your third eye opening, relax—most of us are still trying to find our car keys. And if you're searching for the real Jesus, maybe check behind the Rosetta Stone app, right next to the government's stash of common sense and Lorde's missing postcode.
That's the Ugly Truth. Namaste, and don't forget to update your language settings.
#ThirdEyeProblems #NoPostcodeEnvy #JesusOnDuolingo #RosettaStoneConspiracy #LordeKnows
Uni kids Verse.... All your perspectives of won me now Ur screwed NATO!