Jennifer is back now. Mia and Heather walked with me to the guild to hire her again once I was able/allowed to walk again. Before I did anything else to include my first exercise, I had to rehire her. I'm so thankful for Mia and Heather. Every night I have had the same nightmare. Apparently I have been fighting in my sleep which woke up Mia and Heather and they had to hold me down once/twice a night. I never wake up from these episodes surprisingly.
I really want to exercise again, but I am terrified. I am the only one to exercise here minus the women on Wednesdays. What if the boys try to come at me again? For a moment I catch myself in a flashback. Feelings of despair and fear rush over me. All I hear are the jeers of the boys about my body. The sound of their laughter, the disgusting taste, pain, feeling so invaded and not being able to breathe. Not being able to see. Someone save me.
Rose.
My love.
With your beautiful red hair. That hair that is surprisingly not as easy to finger comb as I thought it would be. Your beautifully bespeckled body. Your goddess-like form. After I gain control over my emotions and headspace again after a brief moment I come to the conclusion that I can just workout in my room. There is plenty I can do inside. I can do burpees, mountain climbers, jumping jacks, etc for cardio. I have heavier things around my room that I can use for strength training too. Not to mention a lot of ab exercises that I should be able to do. I will be fine. I will just adapt my routine. I hate going outside my room now. The creator tortures me somehow everytime I walk outside my room. Plus, Rose comes to talk to me here a lot. What if I were to miss my source of sanity because I was outside my room?
I pull out my journal and turn to a blank page and I stare at it thinking where do I even start? I find myself crying looking at this blank page. After a few minutes of crying at this blank page, I try to focus on what to write but my mind keeps wandering to the horror. I start rocking back and forth hearing the jeering again. Hearing all of their perverted laughter and how disgusting I felt. All of the pain. I hear myself yell, "STOP! GET OFF ME!" I continue sobbing, being consumed by all these sounds of horror flooding my mind. A feeling of warmth tries to emerge through my despair. I hear my voice yell, "NO!" Then through the boys' voices I hear a familiar voice, "Shhhh. It is ok, Violet. You are safe now. We won't let them touch you again." I open my eyes to find a blanket is wrapped around me and Beatrice and Yasmina are both hugging me tightly. Apparently what I thought was my memories of the horror was my actual voice and I alerted the girls keeping watch over my dorm keeping the boys out.
The women have to thoroughly convince me every time I leave my room. Convince me that they will never leave my side. That we are going exactly where they are telling me we are going then returning right back to my room with no detours. That they will beat the fuck out of any of the bullies who tries anything. It is so stressful outside my room. It feels I am beyond hypervigilant nowadays. Sweating in fear, anticipating the Creator to throw something else at me. They control/influence so many different pieces besides the boys. Like knights on a chess board, it feels like they move in a specific way that is consistent. Like their movements correspond with my own in this case instead of the 'L' movement in chess. If this life were an actual chess game the opposing King would definitely be the Creator, but who is the Queen? The queen would have the most power and can do the most damage. The professors would be bishops and other faculty rooks. The student body in the other classes not in our year would be pawns. It feels like I am missing something important that would explain everything. Though part of me wonders if that is just my paranoia right now.
The boys love to taunt me using grotesque motions to remind me of the horrors they put me through. A lot of times I throw up reflexively and when that happens the boys laugh, "Look she hates the taste of your dick so much it seems she pukes every time she sees you." The boys would continue taunting me as if they were invincible. They weren't even suspended for what they did to me since they got beat so badly by the women so the faculty said they 'had their punishment' even though they made Rose heal them. The worst 'punishment' they got wasn't even their punishment but a fine paid to my family from their families since they ruined my engagement by ruining my purity. I think that was the main purpose of the exam I got. To see what families were obligated to pay compensation to my family. I am glad I am not engaged to Ren anymore, but now the boys keep saying that they will be the only ones ever to touch me again. The women chase them off every time, but not before their words cut me like knives.
What if I am to survive past my 19th birthday but I am to be tortured by the likes of them for the rest of my days? Thoughts like this really make me yearn for the sweet release of death. The only thing keeping me from jumping off of the clock tower right at this moment is Rose. I know she will be devastated if I were to take my life. I want her to live a long and happy life. There is nothing I desire more and if I take my own life, something tells me she will take her own as well. I must protect her and right now that means by hanging on by the one singular strand that is named Rose Remington with all of my might.
I have been getting more headaches in these weeks and dizzy spells. My vision occasionally gets blurry too which seems a little different from my overstimulation blurry. Overstimulation blurry also has an achy feel while it seems this is just blurry with no ache. Though my eyes don't hurt, my head usually is killing me. I have to lie down now when I get these headaches. I can't ride these ones out like I was doing in the past.
Mia and Heather snap me out of my depressing thoughts. Mia says, "So, the girls have all noticed how you won't leave your room ever even for your workouts anymore these past several weeks. They were wondering if they all joined if you would come outside to exercise again. We hate to see you looking like you are trapped in your room like a prisoner." I lightly chuckle, "That is the opposite of how I feel. My room isn't a prison cell, but a sanctuary. It is my safe place. The place where no boys are allowed." Mia makes a weird face, "We want you to feel safe everywhere is what we mean. We want you to feel safe doing the things you enjoy." I sigh thinking if all of the women are with me I would definitely feel safer. I replied, summoning all of my courage, "I guess we can try it." I close my eyes and take a deep shaky breath. Everything will be ok. I have my friends with me. As I think of that, as if they read my mind, both Mia and Heather grab a hand. I open my eyes to see them being supportive and waiting on me until I am ready.
Since classes have ended today, Mia and Heather drag me to the courtyard outside the dorms where I would usually work out. The moment I get out there, I am shocked beyond belief. I see all of these women who at one point in time all were prejudiced against me because of exercising, exercising. Seeing all of them come together just for me. I started crying and Mia and Heather stopped pulling me a moment and asked, "Are you ok, Violet?" In sync as if on cue. I say, "I love you all." They stopped doing their variety of exercises they have seen me do and come over and all gave me a group hug. We stayed there a few moments and then Francois asked , "So Violet, can you coach me on this one move? I want to make sure I am doing it right." She then points to the bar that has baskets filled with rocks and I am assuming she is using it for squats. I responded, "Sure. Let's see what you got." Francois does some squats and I give my advice while spotting her, "You are doing great at keeping your knees behind your toes, but make sure you keep your back straight." She adjusts while still doing the exercise, "Like this?" I say, "Yes. Just like that." I get distracted thinking of Rose. Wondering if she is waiting by my window now since it is around that time. As if the universe was whispering to me I turned to see Rose in the distance waving at me from a perch in a tree that is off a ways. I sigh in relief knowing she is not worried and I exercise with the girls. Knowing her, she probably played a huge part in getting them to participate.
The bullies tried to mess up our exercise time. Giovanni says while running his fingers through his styled hair, "The whore emerges from her habitat!" The boys laugh and Giovanni continues, "Did you miss me?" He says while smiling a really gross smile and then pursing his lips in a kiss gesture. After that he laughs a bit. The women immediately got in between them and me, becoming my shield. They got the equipment they were all using to exercise with and brandished them as weapons instead like the ones doing squats with the bars and baskets hanging off of them removed the baskets and now is treating the bars as bo staffs. Giovanni says, "Aw, come on. We just want a little chat." They say that while grabbing themselves grotesquely and the women start swinging their weapons at them to chase them away.
My knees go weak from seeing them. Mainly seeing Giovanni. He is so terrifying. I shiver and sweat just thinking about his touch. His voice. His laugh. Lily catches me when she sees my knees buckle and several women come rushing to my side after the boys are gone. I start rocking back and forth freaking out. Lily says, "They are gone now, Violet. We won't let them hurt you again." They are surrounding me all saying, "It is exactly as she says." Hearing lots of agreeing murmuring from the girls I start crying again, "I don't know what I would do without you all." Lily hugs me and the other girls join in and we have a group hug.
It has been a week since we all have started exercising together and everything was going like our usual routine, but Mia and Heather are still not here. I asked Lily, "Have you seen Mia and Heather?" Lily then says, "Our teacher had them clean the storage room as punishment for talking in class. They are probably doing that right now." I responded, "Can someone check on them? I would think that they would have been done by now if they started immediately after class." Beatrice and Fracois heard me and said, "We can go check on them." They stop what they are doing and go to the storage room. The boys come by every day. Just to get under my skin. They didn't come today. I really hope those two are alright.
After a few more minutes of working out they returned panicking and sweating from sprinting and Francois said in a panic, "Everyone, come quick! The boys beat Mia and Heather and we need to help them to the infirmary right away!" We drop everything and we run. We get there and they are beaten so badly I wouldn't have even recognized them. I pick up Mia in a princess carry and two other girls pick up Heather under the arms and another picks her feet up to lift her unconscious body to the infirmary. We get to the infirmary and Nurse Joy looks mortified at the state of the girls. She motions us to the beds to put them down and she immediately starts examining them. She says after a moment, "Someone go get Rose Remington! We need her powers immediately!" Lily and I both ran to my room.
I go to the window immediately and I see Rose is outside waiting on me. I open it and yell to her to go to the infirmary right away. She then sprints off in the direction of the infirmary. When she is gone I slump down by the window and cry. Lily sits next to me and holds me with a side while I cry for my friends' suffering. They were attacked because of me. It is all my fault. This damned creator wants to make me suffer. If I wasn't here they wouldn't have gotten hurt. We stay here for some time while I cry.
After some time I hear some pebbles on the window. I look out the window and see Rose. I turn to Lily and ask, "Can you give me some time so I can talk to Rose?" She says, "Sure. I will be right outside." She gives me a weird face again and leaves. I get my phone and open my window and lower it out to my love. I tug on it immediately and ask, "Were you able to heal them? Are they ok?" Rose tugs on the line, "I was able to heal both of them. They surprisingly have no scars which I was expecting even with my powers. Nurse Joy wants to keep them overnight for observation. They still haven't regained consciousness yet which I could tell worries Nurse Joy." I tug on the line, "I am so glad they seem ok. I really hope they wake up soon." Rose tugs on the line, "Are you going to be ok being alone overnight?" I tug on the line, "I don't know. I guess we will see. I can always get another friend to stay with me overnight."
Rose tugs on the line, "I wish I could be that person. I hate seeing you go through all of this without me by your side. My stomach turns to knots when I see you in pain." I tug on the line yearning for her, "I wish I could feel your touch right now. To get my fingers caught in your hair again. To hold your hand again. To kiss you." Rose tugs the line, "To kiss you all over. To taste you again." We go back and forth a bit and then Rose says, "I will leave now so you can get some rest since it is dark now. I love you so much. Remember I will fight in your dreams as always, don't forget that." I tug on the line, "Don't worry I won't. What gets me through every nightmare is knowing that you will burst in with a pipe hitting them over and over again." She tugs on the line, "I will keep doing it no matter how long it takes, my love. I love you, Violet." I tug on the line, "I love you, too Rose."
Rose leaves and I roll up the phone and put it up. I then go to take a bath to wash the sweat from our workout earlier off and then ask Lily when I am done if she can get my tea since she likes doing my tea. She immediately prepares my tea while I put my pajamas on and get in bed like our usual routine we have been doing. It feels so empty without Mia and Heather. I feel so alone. What if they decide to come into my dorm tonight since they are not with me? I start panicking and sweating with thoughts of fear and despair taking over my mind. I start rocking back and forth in my terror. Hearing the boys' laughter in my ears drowning everything out. Hearing them fight over who will violate me next. The vivid memory of pain and disgust. I start hyperventilating in my panic.
By this time Lily has my tea ready and she puts the tea aside and rushes to my side in bed. She hugs me, "You are safe now. I am here for you, Violet." I start to calm down and a few tears escape my eyes. Once my breathing returns to normal she gets up to get my tea and hands it to me. I ask as I hold the cup with both hands carefully, "Lily, would you be able to stay with me tonight?" She responds with no hesitation with a weird look on her face, "I will do anything you need me to." I sip my tea and say, "Thank you for being a good friend." She makes another weird face and says, "I will be right back. Let me go grab my pajamas." I nod while still drinking the tea she made me. When she returns and gets changed into her pajamas she crawls into bed with me and I ask her, "Can you hold my hand?" She looks at me with a weird face and holds one of my hands while I grip tightly onto Rose's pajamas in my other hand. I sniff her pajamas then clutch them to my chest. My eyes start to get really heavy and I fall asleep immediately.
Last night's nightmare was weird, but in a good way. I had the usual nightmare part, but after Rose rescued me she bathed me and made tender love to me. Though it was weird because she was crying with a weird expression that I have never seen on her. Even though it was a dream, it felt really good to touch her again. I woke up really wet from my wet dream about Rose. Worried I might have done something to Lily during my sleep thinking she was Rose I ask, "Did I do anything weird last night while I was asleep?" Lily looks at me with a weird face and shakes her head, "You didn't do anything weird at all." Taking comfort in what she said while enjoying the better rest I received.
Mia and Heather woke up this morning and we promptly resumed our normal routine where we all slept in the same bed. I have yet to have that dream again of making love to Rose and I can't help but wonder what that was about. I asked Mia and Heather after our third night after we resumed our routine, "Do I do anything weird like trying to touch you guys sexually while I am sleeping?" They laugh and shake their heads, "No, the only touching you do to us is hitting us when you start thrashing." I sigh, "That is so strange." Heather asks, raising an eyebrow, "What is so strange?" I then tell them all of the details and both of them get a weird look on their face. Heather asks, "What kind of weird face did she make? Can you describe it?"
I go to my desk and get a piece of paper and draw the face that Lily made. I first draw the outline of the face then do the eyes next since they are in the middle of the head. Her eyes had a gleam to them. Next, I draw her eyebrows. The weird thing here was one eyebrow was raised. Next, I draw her nose, then her mouth. Her lips were apart on one side, and she was biting her lip on the other side. After drawing her mouth, I drew in her hair to frame the face. When they saw the picture, Heather said, furrowing her eyebrows and tucking her blonde hair behind her ear, "I think she took advantage of you while you were asleep." Mia chimes in, "I think so too. We need to talk with her."
They both are holding a hand and they drag me around until we find Lily. Mia confronts her, "Did you take advantage of Violet while she was sleeping?" Lily turns pale. She then says, "Ok, it isn't what you think. She was calling for Rose wanting to touch her. I figured I could be her Rose." Heather chimes in, "That is fucking disgusting! She had no idea you were even touching her! You are supposed to be her friend! How could you do this?!" Lily starts crying, "I was just trying to help her." Mia cuts in, "You should have gotten her consent beforehand! You are just as bad as those boys!" Lily makes a weird face and then turns to me with tears flowing steadily down her face, "Violet, I am so sorry. For everything." She turns to leave and something tells me I need to follow her, but Mia and Heather wouldn't let me. Mia says coldly, "Let her go."