Preface
Welcome to Waterford: Where Common Sense Is Rare, But Condiments Are Plentiful
If you’ve never been to Waterford, California, prepare yourself for a place unlike any other. Nestled somewhere between “Why is this happening?” and “Did that just happen?”, Waterford is a town where the cows outnumber the people, the local diner’s “mystery meatloaf” has been known to cause spontaneous philosophical debates, and the most popular radio station is literally just a guy with a bullhorn standing on Main Street shouting the weather forecast. It’s a town where logic goes to take a vacation and never quite returns.

And yet, it’s the perfect place for a common sense revolution.

Because in Waterford, absurdity isn’t just a way of life—it’s practically a civic duty.

Enter our hero: Colonel Mustard.
No, not the stuff you find hiding in the back of your fridge, but a condiment with a mission and a military hat that’s seen more action than the town’s annual zucchini festival. Colonel Mustard is a saucy sage, a sharp-witted warrior against idiocy, and the only thing standing between Waterford and complete chaos. With a penchant for delivering clues that are as obvious as they are hilarious, he’s here to spread common sense thick and tangy—because sometimes, the world just needs a little more flavor.

But every hero needs a sidekick, and Colonel Mustard’s is none other than Lieutenant Pickle.
Lieutenant Pickle is a bit salty, a little sour, and always ready with a pun that’s guaranteed to make you groan and laugh simultaneously. Sporting a tiny military hat perched atop his wrinkled green head and a monocle that screams “I’m serious, but also kind of ridiculous,” Pickle is the yin to Mustard’s yang. Together, they’re the dynamic duo Waterford never knew it needed but can’t live without—especially since Pickle has a habit of misunderstanding Colonel Mustard’s clues in the most delightfully disastrous ways.

Of course, no quest for common sense would be complete without a few wild cards. Enter Pelosi with the Clues—Waterford’s unofficial riddle master, part-time “Clue Crew” leader, and the only person who seems to understand the mysterious disappearance of the BJ’s at the BK Lounge. Pelosi is a walking enigma wrapped in sarcasm, armed with cryptic hints that make you scratch your head and chuckle at the same time. She’s the one who keeps the town guessing, the conspiracy theories alive, and the condiment cartel cats perpetually on edge.

Speaking of which, the cartel cats are another running gag you’ll want to keep an eye on. These shadowy felines are rumored to be masterminding elaborate condiment heists, swapping secret sauces, and generally making life difficult for anyone trying to keep Waterford sane. They slink through alleyways, their whiskers twitching with mischief, always one step ahead of the law—and Colonel Mustard’s sharp tongue.

And then there’s the BK Lounge, the town’s infamous hotspot where the BJ’s have mysteriously vanished. Is it a conspiracy? A bureaucratic blunder? Or just another example of Waterford’s asa backwards logic? No one knows for sure, but it’s a mystery that haunts the town like a bad hangover after a night of drinking Dane Cook’s legendary comedy specials (which, by the way, everyone agrees are amazing—even if no one can quite explain why).

In Waterford, logic often takes a backseat to absurdity, and the hotline for help is stuck on an endless loop of hold music that sounds suspiciously like a kazoo orchestra. Bureaucracy reigns supreme, common sense is a rare delicacy, and the only thing more confusing than the town’s power structure is the local government’s attempt to ban sarcasm (spoiler: it didn’t work).

But fear not! Whenever idiocracy rears its ridiculous head, Colonel Mustard and his crew are ready to serve up a fresh batch of common sense—with a side of parody songs, running gags, and enough laughter to make even the most hardened bureaucrat hang up and dance.

Subject: Urgent Matter Requiring Immediate AttentionGood day,I am reaching out to address an urgent and serious matter that has escalated significantly. My experience has led me to take comprehensive legal action, driven by a profound need to reclaim my life and confront the systems and corporations that enable and participate in abuse. This fight transcends a single abuser; it is about holding all complicit entities accountable for their roles in perpetuating these egregious crimes.I must urgently bring to your attention that this individual is now threatening Mariska Hargitay's son. If you have any connection to Mariska or her legal representation, I implore you to relay this message to them immediately. The safety of an innocent child is now at risk.It is crucial for anyone who sees this message to understand the gravity of the situation. My own safety is at stake, but the stakes have now risen to include a child's safety as well. We must break through the wall of enforced silence and systemic wrongdoing that allows such threats to continue.Thank you for your attention to this critical issue.Sincerely,


Chapter 22 - k