For me, one of the most interesting things in the world, if not the most, is books. But why, of all the exciting and interesting things that exist, would I choose books specifically? The question is complex, but the answer is simple. It is simply because books cause in me a feeling of euphoria, reflection and escape from reality that I have rarely felt with anything before.
One question has been answered, but now there is another. Why do books have this effect on me and many other people? Another complex question and again a simple answer. Because life is boring, at least mine and the life of people who feel the same way about books is boring. I am not a psychologist to say this with absolute certainty, but I know that my life is boring and you may feel the same way as me.
Now, what does all this have to do with a novel and a chapter called "Doll"? This time the answer is more complex. My life is boring, I can say this with absolute certainty, and so that you can see this together with me, I will tell several stories of mine, or not only mine, in this novel. So, I hope that you can follow my problems in written form for an indefinite period of time. I know very well that you can't even deal with your own problems, so why would you want to hear mine. Maybe this will help solve your problems, maybe it will relieve your boredom, maybe it's just a hobby, maybe you like to see people suffer, there are many "maybes", but the one who will decide the "why" is you.
After this brief introduction, I don't even know if I can call it brief or an introduction, I will start telling these stories of mine and tell you the reason for the name of this chapter, I hope you are excited, unlike what I feel every single day when I wake up in this repetitive and tiring routine.
To start telling these stories, I will give a brief introduction about myself, obviously containing some false information. My name is Dante (a lie, but I'll use this pseudonym), I'm currently 15 years old, yes, after I told you my age, many people are pissed at me for saying that my life is boring and repetitive when I haven't even started working or studying. I apologize, but if you use age to measure maturity and devalue someone else's feelings, you're an imbecile, and it's okay to be an imbecile because almost the entire world, if not the entire world, is an imbecile, and I include myself in that. I currently live in Dallas (also a lie) and I'm in my first year of high school.
After introducing myself and telling you my age, scaring many readers in the process, I'll really get started.
As a first-hand student, I can guarantee that school is hell, but is that the only reason my life is boring? Of course not, but I want to talk about school first. Imagine waking up at 6 am Monday through Friday to have to go to a place where you have no choice about whether to go or not. Actually, you are completely right, school is really necessary to acquire knowledge and have a job where you can at least live your short and meaningless life comfortably. I really believe that the idea of school is good, but often the execution is crap.
From the moment the first thing I think about after hearing my alarm in the morning is blowing my own brains out, there is something wrong. Now, what exactly is wrong? I have no idea, I am not trying to solve this problem, I am just commenting on how I feel about it, and I apologize if you do not want to hear my complaints, but most of this work will be composed of complaints from a 15 year old boy with raging hormones and a strong desire to take drugs and kill himself, but without the courage to do such things. So if you have not liked my superficial comments about the things that make up our beloved world, I strongly suggest that you leave because it will only get worse. It was a pleasure to meet you, goodbye and sweet dreams (it is now night).
Continuing the conversation about school, I would like to mention some of its benefits as well. In this public or private space, you are forced to engage socially with other people. Many will say that you do have the option of not doing this. I disagree, because if you don't, you become an outcast in society who will only make you want to commit suicide more and more. Please relax, after all, I am not an outcast. I can wear a "social mask" at school very well, just like many others do. However, I have a small problem with my own mask, and I will tell you about this problem in another chapter.
Although I am forced to build social relationships at school, this can be very good because it makes life much less monotonous and tiring. I say this from my own experience, because after forming some friendships, my life became much more exciting, only for a while.It might be black and white again. But it's okay, it always is. Another benefit of school is the knowledge acquired. There's that famous phrase "the only thing they can't take away from you is knowledge", which is true, but I prefer the phrase "everyone is equal in the face of death" because death can take away your knowledge. But leaving aside the philosophical talk about knowledge, the act of learning is really important because with enough knowledge I believe you can be almost anything you want. I won't say everything because there are always exceptions. Always.
So basically the benefits I can think of at this moment about school are social relationships and the act of acquiring knowledge. In fact, these two things are extremely important, but preferably I'd rather not sacrifice my mental health to be able to have both. In a situation where this was the only option, I would unfortunately choose to sacrifice it in order to obtain it. Yes, I'm a fucking hypocrite.
The disadvantages of school are countless, so I'll summarize them in just one: it fucks me up mentally and physically. That's it, and that's it. The feeling of having to endure 10 50-minute classes in one day is chilling. Then comes the homework, tests, assignments, studying, studying, studying, studying, more studying, studying, studying, studying, studying, studying. I'll spare myself from talking about social relationships between students or I might really go crazy.
Why did I put so much emphasis on studying at school? Simple, because I'm a good student in the sense that I get good grades. That's not a lack of humility, it's just a statement of fact: I'm one of the best in the class. That was a really stupid statement, but the environment I live in made me that way, and it's my fault too. Now that I know that I get good grades, I can deduce why I repeated the word study so many times. It's the pure definition of hell. I also know that many people live in "real hell" these days, being raped, murdered, tortured, etc. However, I don't think that because of this I should devalue my own pain and that of others, because if that happened, only extreme things would be a reason to complain.
The real hell is not studying, but the pressure. What pressure? The one I suffer from my "loving" parents. I don't know if I hate them or if I love them. Our family is very unregulated and many people may be pissed off because of these comments of mine, but please try to understand my situation. I feel like a doll, yes, a doll, a simple doll. Why a doll? Why a fucking doll? Because I don't make my own decisions, because I don't live my own life. I feel like I'm simply being actively controlled by my parents, which is actually the case. It seems like I have some freedom in my life, but it's just a cage, my love. I'm forced to do what my parents want. I'm forced to get good grades, I'm forced to be polite, I'm forced to respect. These are things I would do naturally, but having someone constantly pressuring you to be the way they want you to be is not cool. Even if my parents didn't force me, I would be polite and respectful, but they do, and that feeling is very unpleasant.
I once told my mother that for them I was a robot that couldn't make mistakes, and her response was to point out several mistakes that I make. I am a robot, but a robot that has limited freedom because real mistakes are not allowed. But I like the term "doll" much more because I feel more like I have no control over my own life than like a being that is not allowed to make mistakes. The phrase my father said that made me start thinking this way was "I'll take everything you have, kid" and my mother sided with him. Well, maybe my father had some plausible reason for saying that, right?
The context behind this phrase was that I received my literature test and got a 9.5 out of 10.0 on it. That's a lie, that wasn't exactly the context. After I handed him the test and lay down on the couch (I was really tired that day lol) he realized that my 0.5 error came from the fact that I misspelled a word. As a great father, the first thing he did after receiving my test was to point out the fact that I misspelled it and started talking to me about it. I was really tired and didn't care about it so I made a shitty face and got up to go eat lunch. Yes, I was wrong but try to understand that I was really tired, hungry and really didn't want to hear him complain about a spelling mistake. After I got up, my dad yelled "Sit down", I looked at him confused and he kept yelling "Sit on this couch and listen to me". Obviously I sat down because one punch from him breaks a bone in my body, he's really strong. (He's never punched me, relax). Then he started saying that I lost respect, that I was doing this all the time to him and my mother, that it was rude, etc. Don't get me wrong.I don't remember doing it, but if he says so, I probably did. I can't remember things exactly.
After a few more yellings came the phrase "I'll take everything you have, kid" referring to the fact that at any moment he can take my things if I don't do what he wants. That's what he meant, but he obviously sugarcoated the phrase a little. The feeling that I truly owned nothing, that I had no control over my life, was indescribable. Later, my mother said that my father exaggerated, but at no point did she come to my defense, she just said that I was really doing it. When I complained that my father was talking about a test that I got a 9.5 on, she just said that my father doesn't know how to express the feelings of pride he has about that test well. If that's pride, I want to kill myself.