DIRTY DEALS IN THE WHITE HOUSE! CAPTAIN AMERICA AND JACKIE KENNEDY IN A TORRID AFFAIR?
Ever since his miraculous return from his apparent death just a few short months ago, Captain America has quickly managed to resume his role as the ideal symbol for our great nation, but while his record as a soldier may be unquestionable, can the same be said for the man beneath the mask? Virtually no information is availible on the true identity of Captain America, nor about his life before his first appearance as part of the now-iconic War Bonds propaganda reels in the early 1940's. Those documents that are not sealed for reasons of national security are heavily redacted, and only refers to the good Captain under the initial "S", which could mean virtually anything. The only information that is widely availible is that he was originally a military volunteer for an experimental procedure to improve combat capabilities, but other than that, there is nothing. No name, no adress, no listed family, not even religious preference! So then, how can we here at the Enquirer, not to mention our readers at home, know that Captain America is the morally upstanding paragon that the uniform makes him out to be?
Perhaps then it is not surprising that certain shocking rumors have emerged about the relationship between Captain America, and the First Lady herself, Jackie Kennedy?
PHOTO: [A photograph of Captain America standing over Jackie Kennedy who's crouched behind him as he's covering her with his body with his shield raised in front of him. The photo is clearly one of the pictures taken in Dallas, but President Kennedy has been neatly cropped out of the photograph due to the position of the photographer and some clever editing, though his elbow can be seen sticking into the frame from the right]
Sources close to the Presidential couple have observed that the First Lady is far more affectionate towards the Captain than could possibly be considered appropriate, especially for a married woman. Observers have mentioned unchaperoned meetings between the two, as well as physical contact, scandalously right in front of her husband on occasion! Has Jackie Kennedy begun to grow disatisfied with her marriage to the most powerful man in the world, and begun to seek solace in the arms of a hero?
- The National Enquirer, January, 1964
...
"Wow, Cap, you've been holding out on me! And here I thought we shared our secrets!"
Steve groaned, tossing the blasted rag of lies aside and dropped his head back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling "Please, Mr. Stark, this is painful enough as it is..."
"Oh, I'm back to Mr. Stark now, am I?" Tony smirked as he kept reading his own copy of the paper "You're the one putting the moves on Mrs. Kennedy according to the latest news!"
"I can't belive they're allowed to print that... that filth!" Steve said, closing his eyes tightly, trying to erase the things he'd just read from his brain. He didn't consider himself a prude, he was a Brooklyn boy born and raised, and even if he hadn't been, you didn't last long in the army if you blushed like a choir boy every time the subject of sex came up, but openly printing this kind of thing seemed unsavory even to him "Even if I was enough of a sleazebag to go after married women, and even if Mrs. Kennedy was callous enough to betray her husband like that, I've met her maybe five times! And I don't think I've ever been in the same room alone with her!"
Tony whistled, impressed "Wow, and I thought I was smooth. You gotta teach me some of your secrets!"
Steve sighed "I'm never going to live this down..."
"Oh don't worry, it's just a tabloid, only gossipy housewives belive the nonsense they print, and I'm sure Sunshine will do something to horrify the nation again soon enough!"
...
MISTER SUNSHINE - A NEW HERO FOR A NEW DECADE, OR A BAD INFLUENCE?
Just a few days ago, the people of Brooklyn were surprised by a delayed Christmas present, as The Avengers held an impromptu meet and greet in Crown Height's Prospect Park, intended to replace the delayed charity event that had to be postponed due to the events in Santo Marco on Christmas Day. Fresh from their victory against the mutant supremacist Magneto and his Brotherhood, the Avengers came to meet their fans, who arrived in droves from across the city to see them in person. This included The Incredible Hulk, a reclusive and controversial addition to the team, who has rarely appeared alongside the group outside of combat situations, and who's membership has been decried by several political and military officials, most notably General Thaddeus Ross, who has repeatedly claimed that The Hulk is a danger to the public. However, whatever the reason behind these claims, there was no such danger on display on the 27th, as far from the rampaging behemoth we've been told about for these past years, The Hulk proved himself a rather passive and gentle creature, interacting with both adults and children with no problems whatsoever, despite his frightening size and appearance.
PHOTO: [A photo of The Hulk sitting cross-legged in the snow, with children climbing all over him. Hulk can be seen helping a small girl climb onto his shoulder]
Instead, the criticism was aimed at another member of The Avengers, the irreverent and controversial Mister Sunshine. Already a controversial figure due to his statements regarding the U.S military's treatment of The Hulk, as well as his disrespectful opinions on the U.S government itself, Mr. Sunshine managed to draw further outrage at the Avengers meet and greet. Several concerned parents who were present describes his behavior as both disorderly and unacceptable, especially in the presence of children.
"It's not that I'm ungrateful for everything he's done as part of the Avengers" one source, who asked to remain nameless, says "But I don't care how famous you are, you can't go around acting like he did in public! He was loud, he cursed constantly, he didn't even TRY to censor himself, it's bad enough we have people running around in masks, totally unaccountable for anything they do, but now this man can't even try to act like civilized person? I'm not surprised he's been in trouble before, there are some things you just don't say out loud!"
While we here at the Post certainly can't deny the heroic actions of Mr. Sunshine, we would suggest that he perhaps does not realize the impact his actions have, both on the public and his own teammates? Senator Strom Thurmond, already a critic of The Avengers and masked crimefighters as a whole, said the following when reached for comment:
"It's simply unacceptable that this uncouth, disrespectful lout of a man dares drape himself in our great nations flag like a shield from the consequences of his own actions! A few token actions does not make a hero, and Mr. Sunshine is just another sign of the moral decay that is rotting our country from the inside, one that is emboldened by the negligence of President Kennedy, simply out of misplaced gratitude! A true hero, the kind America needs, would not mock and threaten the moral insitutions that make up the very foundations of who we are! I would strongly urge Captain America to reconsider his support of his so-called ally, who I see as nothing but a communist agitator!"
- The New York Post, January, 1964
...
"Well, they say there's no such thing as bad publicity..."
"I'm not sure this counts, Sunshine" Bruce says as he reads the paper over my shoulder. "I hate telling you this, but maybe you should try to dial it back a bit in public a bit? I never thought I'd see the day when someone else got slammed worse than me in the newspapers."
Hmm, he might have a point, but man, if he thinks this is bad, he should wait until social media starts being a thing in about 40 years or so. Honestly, I think my bad language habit is just an excuse for these jackasses to start saying what they were already thinking about me, but maybe they're right about it reflecting badly on the rest of the team. I REALLY don't want to get them in trouble just because I screwed up my ability to self-censor by spending most of my adult life online.
However, with that said...
"This isn't about my cursing, you know" I say as I finish reading before tossing the paper over the armest, leaning back to look up at Bruce's face "That's just the excuse. I'm a bad influence, I'm corrupting America, please. I'm ONE 30-something mutant who's been around for a few months, they didn't even know I existed six months ago! I just represent what these assholes fear the most - change! Hell, we ALL do! The fact that we exist means that the world they've always known, the one where they had all the power, might not last, and they can't stand that! And honestly, if a racist ass like Strom Thurmond thinks I'm a symbol of moral decay, I take that as a compliment."
Seriously, I know things were far from perfect in my own time, but holy fucking christ, I hate that prick.
Bruce sighs and smiles "Guess I can't argue with that, but I still think you should curse less."
"Yeah, I should probably work on that."