My day sadness became my night thought.
A thought that comes for every month.
If I made another choice, If I had never done that choice, If I just never existed in the first place, maybe my life or hers could have been different than this?
Being a doctor was my childhood dream. But not my real. I have always loved the moon and stars since young age. Just these were seen in the sky, I would say "Hey look! There is a star, Oh there too! This is my star and that is dad's, mom's and also brother's."
My grandma always say "You cannot look into the moon, it would take you away!" but I would secretly look "Hmm but it doesn't! How can one stop looking into this beautiful moon though? Even it is full moon today!"
When I was young, I have always thought, If I just grow up then every dreams will come true. Every children's typical thought.
When I got into the middle school, just the thought of learning chemistry and biology was breathtakingly amazing. However in deep, physics and geography were my favorites too. Even more than those two, I dare to say. But I couldn't change it because of the unfulfilled dream of my mom that I decided to be a doctor. Inside, I calm myself by saying, "First doctor, then I can study astrology. If I wish I can do anything!". Now even my mom says this is the wrong path. Listening that I found myself stuck in a road full of branches… No, only one road ahead of me. When I look back, there is only one road that is full of puddles, cracks. The place I stand is unstable, that is ready to crack. When I look up, full of black clouds that can't shine through sunlight. Surrounded by thick fog and trees without leaves.
The clothes that I wear is unrecognizable if it is a white or black dress. But If I look at it closely, a white dress that is painted by black color unmercifully. If I compare then my life feels like this. No, it became like that. Even I didn't notice when. Everything is meaningless with no light of hopes.
However I love my doctor job. I already do. But every time she says that I sometimes wonder If I did the right choice. When I just say to myself with confidence and a smile in my face once, " I can do it!", there is always something that put out my will of fire. Like the god reminds me I can't be happy.
I have never once done a choice for myself, but always for family. Sadly, they will never know it, Forever. Even I did tell them, they will never understand it.
How does it feel to make a choice for themselves, what kind of feeling does one have? It has to be different than mine. But it is okay, for 21 years I have lived and I will. Because I don't have any choice.
Mine though not my life, I love you unconditionally.