Dear Me, May 26, 2025
Life is empty... Boring...
Boring... Bored. Was everything supposed to be like this? I don't know. I feel like a lifeless robot built from a rickety, noisy, broken radio.
You know, the kind that never shuts up and just babbles nonsense all day? Yeah, I was born from that. That radio sucked all the energy out of this poor robot. So, takeaway from today?
None. You didn't accomplish anything.
P.S.
Love you, self. Keep fighting!
Raine dropped her pen with a sigh and glanced toward the kitchen, where her mother was washing dishes.
She was talking again. Nonstop.
It had been like this ever since Raine forgot to set her alarm and walk Cheesecake, their overly dramatic dog. As a result, Cheesecake wasn't able to go outside and instead, peed on the couch, so this made her mom furious.
"It's always like this, Raine! You forget everything I tell you. How are you supposed to become a decent adult when you can't even walk a dog properly?" her mother scolded.
Raine rolled her eyes.
"Is it really necessary to be this dramatic at night?" Raine replied in a frustrated tone. "You and Cheesecake have that in common-loud and unbearable. Cheesecake must be your daughter, since you're both starting to look alike."
There was a sharp BANG as her mother slammed her hands on the sink. The dishes clattered loudly, almost clashing.
She pointed at her with a raised voice. "Don't you dare speak to me like that!"
" I'm just saying what we're both thinking. You don't actually care how I feel, Mom. You just want someone to blame when something goes awfully wrong. "
Her mom's face twisted-hurt, furious, and exhausted.
"You're impossible. You think I enjoy being like this? One day, you'll understand that I am just doing what's best for you."
"That one day is the time I'll finally have peace and quiet," Raine replied while smirking and shrugging her shoulders.
"Just you wait," her mother snapped. "When I'm gone, and you have no one left to push away, maybe then you'll realize how lucky you were."
Her mother stormed upstairs, leaving the dishes behind. The silence that followed felt colder than her anger.
Raine stared at her journal, agitated by how her mother reacted.
Her mom had always felt like a wall she couldn't climb-a wall that never listened. Every conversation becomes a lecture. Every mistake, a verdict.
She envied her friends' moms. The ones who baked muffins, asked about their day, and laughed at dumb jokes. While her mom only talked about bills, exhaustion, and everyone who'd failed her. Raine may be used to this but still felt worn out by this redundant behavior of her mother.
I didn't know you could be exhausted just by hearing someone's voice. Like I said, a broken radio. She sneers at the thought. She couldn't believe that, instead of focusing solely on her studies as a nursing student, she had to deal with her mom's daily soap opera reruns.
Then, a thought slipped in.
Was I too harsh? It's true that she hated how her mother made her feel, but a part of her still wished she could fix it. Fix them even just once.
She just leaned back on the sofa, as if a heavy weight had fallen upon her. She felt defeated and tired. Her eyes wandered to the ceiling fan, observing its spinning blades cast faint shadows on the wall. She sighed. Then yawned.
It'll be fine tomorrow. I'll just try to apologize... Like always...
And slowly, she fell asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Raine jolted awake to the noises upstairs. It seemed to be a shattering sound of a vase or glass object, and inaudible shouting. If she could describe it, it sounded like people fighting.
That is weird. Mom and I were the only ones in the house...
When she realized this, a surge of panic arose within her, she quickly rose up to her feet and sped up the stairs. From above, a scream was heard.
"GET OFF OF ME, YOU-"
BANG!
Her heart nearly stopped. A cold feeling like a bucket of cold water was poured on her slowly engulfing her entire body. There were only three things that made Raine feel this way:
A creepy person approaches her.
Being called to the dean's office.
And the sound of a gun.
And, what she heard was definitely the sound of a gun.
She covered her mouth and froze, gripping the handrail tightly.
BANG! Another shot.
Shit, shit, shit. Was it a burglar? Who got shot? I heard Mom's voice. W-was she the one who got shot? It went silent the moment after she shouted!
The thoughts raced and tangled inside her. Her whole body shivered.
She took a few moments to gather her courage, trying to stay calm in the hopes that it wasn't the thing that she thought.
Then, carefully, she tiptoed upstairs, making sure her footsteps were quiet.
She grabbed the small round stool they usually used to fix light bulbs-ready to use it as a weapon if needed. When she reached her mother's bedroom, she pressed her back against the wall beside the door and peeked inside, heart racing.
There was a silhouette lying on the floor.
She couldn't see it clearly because it was too dark. But the room smelled like gunpowder and faintly, that of a metal, sharp, and horrid stench which was known to her. Blood?
She swallowed hard and crept inside, inch by inch, her bare feet walking silently on broken glass fragments and tiled floor. The moonlight from the window crept in just enough to outline a foot... then a leg...The body twisted awkwardly, like it had fallen mid-motion. Raine moved closer. Her heart felt like it would burst.
And then she saw it.
"Mom?" she whispered.
No answer.
The stool slipped from her hand from her grasp and hit the floor with a dull clunk.
She didn't scream. She was speechless. No, disbelief...No, horrified. She was overwhelmed by emotions she couldn't name. But, an expression of despair was visible. For her, that scene alone felt like a big punch on the face. She ran to her mother's side, trembling, shivering. Her hands hovered over the blood-soaked carpet.
"No, no, no-please," she choked.
She dropped to her knees and her eyes darted to her mother's chest-no rise, no breath. Her fingers found the side of her mother's neck, just beneath the jaw. She pressed it and waited. Yet still, no presence of carotid pulse. The skin was still warm. Too warm to be gone. There were no signs of breathing, no beat, no pulse, just silence-and the ringing in her ears. Her eyes travelled upward, to the head-there was blood. Too much blood. And the wound on the chest is also evidently present.
"No, come one... Wake up... please, wake up," she begged with tears rolling down her cheeks, pressing her hands to her mom's chest. She began CPR with her arms trembling. Compressions one after another. She knew it was impossible, but she had to try. Even a second-at least just for a second, she prayed. She would take even just a second so she could hear her breathe again.
Without warning, she heard a creak of the door on the other side of the hallway. Raine froze and held back her voice. So the stranger wouldn't hear her.
Step... Step... Step...
Footsteps! She heard some slow striding footsteps coming closer to her direction.
Step... Step...
Raine slowly took the stool beside her, waiting for the stranger to show up on the doorway. Then suddenly...
Bark! Bark! Bark!
She flinched as she heard Cheesecake's bark. The footsteps stopped. Then came the sound of running-fast, and frantic. Raine stood up and hurried into the corridor, believing she could see the burglar's face.
"HEY! STOP!" she yelled as soon as she saw the burglar's back, tall, and broad-shouldered. It is clear from her perspective that it was a man. He was fast, already halfway down the stairs, his dark hoodie catching the moonlight.
Raine pushed herself to run faster.
"STOP!" she screamed again, her voice cracking.
But the burglar didn't look back. He vaulted over the last step and disappeared through the front door, which swung open just wide enough to let him slip into the night. By the time Raine made it to the porch, he was gone. All she could hear was the frantic barking of Cheesecake echoing in the distance and the sound of her own breath, shallow and broken. She stood there, frozen in the humid silence, the door wide open behind her, and her mom's blood still on her hands.
Gone.
She missed him.