[A new morning and a new realization. I wanted to incorporate more stretching and coordination exercises to bring up my dexterity stat. But then I realized that I don't know anything about exercising and always just follow the muscle memory ingrained into my body. Also, I always talk about a healthy diet, but I don't understand how to eat healthily. It's just an instinct tingling in the back of my mind telling me that something is bad to eat.
The worst part is, I can't speak to anyone about my doubts and fears. How can anybody else imagine being dropped into an unfamiliar world, with a body that has habits you don't understand, and pressured to save real people's lives? Am I on the verge of a mental breakdown? Maybe I should book a therapy session with Nina's psychiatrist, Dr. Geitel. It appears he is quite skilled at working with memory issues, as Nina also can't remember anything before she was ten years old. No. I don't want to intrude on her personal sphere too much. After all, I am not really a stalker obsessed with her, but someone trying to prevent a tragedy.
I am alone and burdened by my knowledge, with no one to share it with. Is this why the System function includes a diary? Is this my little psychological support device to prevent me from breaking down due to the pressure, and help me to keep going? I am certainly thankful for this safe space just for me, where nobody will paint me as a lunatic, as if they found this diary in the outside world.]
"Showing my vulnerability and struggles with my situation should make it more believable that I don't know there are copies of my diary out there, right?" Ryu stands in the shower with a conflicted expression. Although he tells himself that this entry is meant to solidify the truthfulness of the diary, deep down, he knows that these are his genuine fears. And maybe he really uses the diary as his psychological support, but won't admit it to himself.
"After the construction job is over today, I have to go and search for my "parents" grave."
The women reading this morning's entry suddenly feel very complicated. Except for Nina and, to a certain extent, Eva, they treated the diary as some form of entertainment, like listening to the radio in the background while working. But now they realize that these are the true inner thoughts of someone. How would you feel if your deepest fears and insecurities were laid bare for others to see, and they thought of it as entertainment?
Especially Elsa, as she was getting ready for work, was nearly in tears, asking herself if she was a bad person for peeking into others' secrets and still complaining about her situation. And it's not just Ryu Seiya's secrets. Many of the situations around Nina Fortner are also pressing and dangerous. Eva Heinemann was seen by a true killer at the murder site and is in danger.
While fixing her bangs, Elsa looks in the mirror and makes a pledge to herself to be more emotionally mature. To understand her own situation, although boring, is actually not that bad. With this understanding, her demeanor appears to mature somewhat.
'Thank you, Ryu, for helping me grow up and understand myself, even just a little.'
Nina parks her scooter at the university parking lot and reads the diary while walking to the lecture hall.
'He even knows about my lost memories? Maybe he can help me recover?'
Then it hit her.
'I've been so caught up in the fact he knows so much about me and trying to approach me, that I completely overlooked how much pressure Ryu has to be under. I am struggling already with my lost childhood memories and the pressure of work and studying. But he, in his own mind, literally just existed for 3 days and is already feeling responsible for saving lives.
Although I am still uncertain if Ryu really wants to help me, at least I should not make things harder for him by intentionally distancing myself. But I am still angry about his entry yesterday! Who fell in love at first sight! Such slander! I was reading my status page and got distracted, okay? And Giuseppe, this meddler is trying to play cupid. Well, whatever, all in all, I am still scared to be in close contact with Ryu. Somehow, I feel like he knows more about me than I do myself. This is very scary and totally normal to be worried about, right?'
Eva is still lying lazily in her bed while reading.
'This guy cares so much about others and is under so much pressure. And he also wants to help me in dealing with my trauma, while Ryu himself is so fragile inside. Sigh, this is really something. At least I should respect his dedication and try to keep my drinking and smoking on the same level as yesterday, even though it may be hard.'
A little touched, she gets up for breakfast and stops her butler, who is about to pour some alcohol to drink.
"This time, just give me a coffee, thank you."
The shocked look of the butler sparks a thought in Eva.
'Am I really this deep into an alcohol addiction?'
The fact that she soon begins to drink again before noon proves her guess right.
During lunch break, Nina sits in the cafeteria together with Beate, Clara, and Peter. She is smiling less and does not participate in conversations as much as she usually does. Looking at each other with concern, Beate finally asks her.
"Nina, is something wrong today? Your mind does not seem to be here, and your expressions keep changing. What are you thinking about so deeply?"
Startled, Nina sits up straight and looks at her friends.
"Oh, sorry, it is just some things happening to me outside of school, you know? Peter, didn't I tell you yesterday about this weird romantic e-mail I got?"
"Yeah, you thought I wrote that, but these kinds of words would never come out of my mouth. Still puts me in a bad mood to have another competitor."
Peter stabs his salad angrily while Beate and Clara roll their eyes at him, knowing his infatuation with Nina is a lost cause.
"Nina, you got a mysterious romantic e-mail?" Beate is very interested in this topic.
"Yeah, but it was sent anonymously. And only my friends know my e-mail address, so I thought it was another desperate attempt from Peter."
"Hey, what do you mean desperate?!" an exasperated Peter cut in.
Sighs are heard around the table while Clara looks at Peter with pity.
"So it wasn't Peter, and you have no idea who could have sent it to you?"
"Yes, and the content was: "I shall send you the most beautiful flowers. I was born to smother you with flowers."
Peter has a disgusted look, while the two girls' eyes light up with gossipy curiosity.
"Who even talks like that nowadays? Is it some creepy old man trying to eat young grass?" Clara instantly assumes the worst.
"What are you talking about, Clara? Maybe it's the new guy sitting in the legendary seat in room 12. You know the transfer student? I often see him staring at Nina when she is not looking."
At that thought, Nina begins to shudder as she knows the real identity behind the sender was most likely a killer.
'Could the murderer be a classmate of mine? I definitely have to observe this guy, but if he is the real deal, will he advance his plans if he notices me watching?'
"Is that for real, Beate? This guy keeps staring at me while in class?"
"Well, Nina, it's not like he is the only one, but definitely the newest addition to the herd."
"To be honest, guys, after another day of thinking about the message, I don't think it is that romantic anymore. It is rather creepy when you think about it. Smothering someone with flowers. Why not shower with flowers or something? Smothering has such a dark and dangerous vibe to it. Peter, could you keep an eye on that guy for me and try to discreetly look into it, if he was the one who sent me that e-mail?"
Peter, happy to be relied upon, grins and sits straight while patting himself on the chest.
"No worries, leave it to me. Blocking a rival is just up my alley!"
The girls look at Peter like he is totally hopeless.
"Nina, are you sure Peter is the right one for this job?" Clara asks with concern.
"I have the feeling whoever wrote that message is probably dangerous. Peter, you must be careful while inquiring, okay? I don't dare to ask Beate and Clara for it, in case this guy gets violent."
At that, Peter takes it more seriously as well. While secretly being happy that Nina is concerned about his well-being.
"Don't worry, I'll be careful."
Just like that, Peter strides off, full of energy.
Clara sighs as she watches Peter's receding back.
"You know, Nina, even though he often acts like a clown and is somewhat insensitive, I think he is still a good man. You really won't be giving him a chance at all?"
"He is a good friend, but that is all, Clara. There is no romantic feeling from my side. Rather, shouldn't it be you trying harder to comfort him at being rejected by me? Do you think I don't know how your gaze often lingers on him? You go, girl, and get that man!" Nina gives Clara a thumbs-up.
While Clara blushes at this statement, Beate asks Nina.
"You know we three were together in school for the last few years, and now even in university. Nina, you never showed any interest in any boys. I've always wondered which guy would be your type. Or are you actually into girls?"
Flustered Nina almost knocks down her food tray.
"What do you mean by into girls?! I just haven't met a guy that could interest me, you know!"
As she said this, she thought about the young man she had met for the first time at work yesterday. Even though she is still angry at him, it can be said that her thoughts were often drawn to him while sitting in class today.
'No, this surely is only because I saw his diary entry today and felt sorry for him. There should be no other reason.'
Beate laughs, "Okay, I believe you this time. But I am still very curious what kind of man will be able to charm our campus belle."
[My criminal activities for today are done. Or rather, my work at the construction site. The work was monotonous as ever, but I'm happy it's mostly outdoors in fresh air. Remembering the clouds of cigarette smoke in the restaurant yesterday still disgusts me. At least my work is mainly in the kitchen, where smoking is not allowed. Do people in this world not know how vital smell is for the taste of dishes? The cooks prepared the meal meticulously, and the guests inhaled a mouthful of cigarette smoke while eating it. A tragedy. All the hard work almost ruined. Perhaps there are also many sensible people eating at home in clean air? Is this why Nina has so many delivery orders to fulfill? Well whatever.
Today's evening was spent searching the graveyards around Heidelberg. A significant portion of the money I received from construction went towards bus fares. And the conclusion was as expected. There are no graves with the name Seiya to be found. Even the school from which I received my graduation certificate does not list me as a graduate. So it is confirmed. I am truly and utterly alone in this world. And my only confidante is a mystical diary in my mind.
Am I going insane? Is what I am experiencing even real? Am I just in a dream, waiting to wake up? Are my efforts worth anything? Yes, I am breaking down right now, crying in the shower. And yet I am still recording in this damn diary. Because I am scared, I am afraid I will vanish and nobody even knows I ever existed. Yet with the Fate of those I saw in the story of "Monster" in my mind, if everything is real, I would be hating myself eternally for not doing my best to help. Although no one will ever know about my struggles, at least it gives me a sense of purpose. A reason to keep going.]
Ryu sits on the floor of the shower, letting the water drizzle over his face. Combing his fingers through his hair as he sobbed.
"I wish this entry was only made to gain trust. But why do I have to feel like this for real..."
It took him a long time to fall asleep today…