With the sun on my back and the tower ahead, i run uphill, in the stumps left of my legs that drain constantly with each step. i hear explosions and screams, thunders and see lightnings and fires in the skies. It started already. It's the end of the world. i have to get there fast, i have to hurry, i have to destroy the tower.
The roar keeps roaring, and i feel as if it's trying to stop me, solely me, to dissolve the sand in me faster. i hurry, all the animals around me hurry, even the tower hurries, to stop me, only my shadow isn't hurrying. It's gone completely. i look behind me, no, that's where the sun is coming from. It's gone, completely gone. my shadow…
i arrive at the tower. The noise is agonizing. The doors of the tower are huge, and closed. i go to a tablet that seems to have a scanner and lean against it. i can barely keep my balance in my legs, i'm walking on sheens, or what's left of them. my right hand is also going, i'm starting to dissolve from everywhere.
The scanner. How do i open it?! i put my left palm on it and it scans. It doesn't work. How the fuck do i go in? Tickets. That man from Cocor Market was selling tickets. And the driver stopped me, to give me the coin. i pull it out of the pocket and stick it to the scanner. The scanner turns green. It works.
The enormous doors open and i go inside the tower. Inside i find a lot of people, savants, and creatures, and different devices, the likes i haven't seen anywhere in my entire life. And nobody is alarmed by anything that is going on around, or by my presence, by the way i look. Amongst so many freaky things here, i don't seem so strange anymore.
i go to the end of the huge hall where i see a bunch of elevators and i look at the panels. There are 1000 floors up, and 1000 floors down, and a screen that shows more information about this floor, floor that is marked above with a big 'G'. i don't know what i'm looking for. In this agitation of humans, monsters and supernatural phenomena, i can't gather around two thoughts.
People pass by me and tap on the tablet and know exactly where they're going and what to do while i am here crazed by this alien technology. And i don't know at all what to look for, where to go, which floor to select or know that i need. And i have no time left to figure it out. Outside it looks like the end of the world, and i am noticing how i'm lowering in height second by second.
i'm looking for the main floor or something, something destructive or with a generator, core that fuels the entire tower. i go at a tablet after i finally find an open space and look through all the floors and filter them quickly. i barely get to read what it says for each floor, i just wait for something to pop out, to stand out. i stop with my finger on a floor that has some odd symbols, some kind of glyphs, Mayan, Egyptian, i don't know, i don't care, i have nothing else so i press on the floor 865 and receive an error.
'Access is restricted to this floor'
To the right of the tablet there's another scanner, i put my token on it and the tablet indicates me elevator 11.
i start running through the crowd waiting for their elevators and try to look at the number indicated above each elevator. i can barely see above the people's heads, i see only bellies and chests. i manage to see the 9th elevator and go to the next one on the same side. Elevator 11, nobody's waiting for it, probably because of the sign that alerts this is an elevator with restricted access. i put my coin on the scanner of the elevator and the doors open. i get in.
The elevator goes up instantly after i'm in, and it goes up very fast. i feel the G forces affecting my body, pulling it down. All the other elevators move at the same insane speed. All the other elevators are made almost entirely of glass walls. i notice how most of the elevators around have already stopped and don't go up anymore. i'm already around floor 500 says the digital panel and it still goes up, too fast to read the floor numbers. i look at my body, the legs have dissolved over the knees, i feel now that i can hold my balance a little better without having them. my right arm is almost gone completely, in no time this disintegration will get to the shoulder. From my left hand, fingers started going too. What is happening with me? What will happen with me?
The elevator stops, smoothly, the doors open and i get out. The floor is empty. Not just of people, but there's nothing here. Only the floor, the ceiling and the walls. The elevators' hall leads into a huge room, with the floor not even covered by anything, i can see the rough and imperfect cement. i cross the room and go close to the huge windows that stand in place of the exterior walls.
i'm so high up. i can see the mountains, and they look small, and i see the clouds, a big part of them under me. And i see…explosions. Of different colours and of different widths. Laser beams, clouds of different colours that puff fire and rain acid and…it's here. The fucking end of it all. Can i even stop it if it started already?
my right leg dissolved up almost to the upper part of the thigh. The left one still has a big part of it. Standing is a challenge, i'm inclined to the right side, and i walk in my left leg and my left hand. i'm walking like a chimp or a gorilla. i can still move…but, i don't know…it doesn't matter anymore. i can't. i lost, i failed to save the planet, i failed to protect Sarah. i died already. i give up.
"you cede?"
i raise my eyes. It's Him.
"i thought You left me."
"No, I stood, I waited, and I watched. And now, that you cede, I came to take over control."
"Why? It's useless anyway. What do You want to do in Your last seconds of existence?"
"To stop it all of course. To bring it all back to normal. I like to call it, the spring cleaning, of course a bit later, and which kind of happens more often lately. But yeah, better than, never…"
"Funny. That's the answer that i had in mind."
"Think abo…"
"No, whatever You'd have to say, i don't accept…"
"Sarah, that's all I have to say. you refuse, she dies, you accept, she lives."
"It's not the same thing."
"So you're selfish after all. And I really thought you love her."
He's not right, i don't know, is there any meaning in her existence without me to enjoy it? Is this love, or selfishness? White fang has a definition of love, it could be applied here. i don't know what love is, what sacrifices it requires, but i only want to be with her. Not me without her, not her without me, i just want us, to be together. Nothing else.
"you refuse to save your girlfriend, the most important thing for you, or so you believe, just because I will be with her instead of you?"
"You can't stop it all. You don't even understand what is going on. You're just a second-hand soul planted by Darkness in my body along with the coming back of my soul…"
"I understand more than you think, and I'm only trying to help you, but after all, maybe this is it. Maybe now you'll realize what is happening. Anyway, you don't have longer to live…"
"i will destroy this tower and after that, i will destroy You too!"
"Alright, then I'll wait a little longer."
Light or Moon, i just have to ask for their help. i return quickly to the elevator and look at the tablet and the scanner. i barely reach to see the tablet. in the search bar i insert with the fingers that are left on my left hand, 'Light', i find hundreds of floors with different professions, from biology, astronomy, physics, up to literature, art and many others. Anything that could contain the word light or the name, i have to be more specific. i enter in the search bar, 'Olsana'. One result comes up. Floor: 1942 - 'Police Archives'. i press on it and go in the elevator.
Floor 1942? Down on the ground level i saw that the tower has only a 1000 floors. The elevator doors close, i see Him coming slowly towards the elevator but the elevator goes up. my right hand disappeared completely, my left hand lost its last finger and the left leg is almost gone too. Why only one result with Olsana and that in the police archives? Aren't there resources, technologies in this tower to reach them?! i don't have time to wander around everywhere! i'll disappear completely!
"Olsana! Olsanaaaa!"
Nothing. She died anyway, she can't help me anymore, i think. The elevator slows down, it arrives at the floor 1000 and stops. The doors open. It's a huge hall, open like the one from the ground level but much more bigger, and it looks different, as if from here up starts another tower, something of a different style. And the people here are different too, more modern, upgraded with different robotic prosthesis and other devices implanted into their bodies. More androids and much more aliens.
i look at the elevators, numbered the same way, on a panel it writes in an odd but recognizable way, 'Inferior Zone'. i get out of the small elevator hallway and into the huge hall. Dozens of air and space ships populate the hall, looks like in a hangar, but with lateral openings from which they can come out and in.
i see more and more creatures and monsters that don't look like they came from earth. i start to feel like i'm part of the painting now, considering how i look. There's nothing wrong with my deformed body thanks to these strange creatures that populate the hall.
At the opposite end from where i've came, i see another hallway, similar and it looks like it has elevators. i start crawling towards it. The way i am now, i can only push myself in my left forearm and crawl on my belly. It's good that i don't have legs to weight me down anymore, or my right arm. my body even feels lighter. But it's hard and slow to advance just using what's left of my left hand.
A small robot, that looks like a Roomba, comes and stops in front of me blocking my way. It has above a small plane platform, for luggage probably. The robot pushes into me as if it tries to earn my trust. i place my left forearm on the robot's platform and pull my belly up. With its help, i manage to get up easy.
As soon as i got up on it, the robot leaves. It moves really fast and at first it drove without direction, but in fact the robot goes wherever i look. i move my sight towards the hallway with the elevators and arrive there in no time. The robot dodges by itself all the obstacles ahead, most of them being legs. Getting at the elevator's hallway, the robot inclines sideways and i fall off. The robot then leaves hurriedly.
In this hallway i see another set of elevators, numbered from 20 to 40 and they access the floors between 1000 and 2000. i crawl heavily to a tablet and hit the search bar with my forearm. i can't access it just using my forearm to precisely tap on things. After a few tries i manage to hit just the bar and try to insert 'Police Archives', i can't even write the first letter, and the mistake is even harder to delete. After a few moments in which i tormented myself to delete the letter that i inserted by mistake, the tablet makes out a sound and on the screen an icon with a microphone appears.
"Voice recognition activated."
"Police Archives."
The search bar fills instantly with what i said and shows me the floor 1942, elevator 20. It's the first elevator on the right. i hurry to get there, crawling between people and creatures. i'm hit by legs and hooves and tentacles and whatever other strange limbs i meet in my way. But i finally get to the elevator 20 and go in.
Inside were waiting for me five people already. As soon as i got in the doors closed and the elevator left. The five people seem hurried and bothered by the fact that i slowed them down. After four stops, only i was left in the elevator, and another human, i think. The shape is humanly but it's covered by some kind of white membrane, elastic, some kind of thin latex. The elevator arrives at 1942 and i try to get out, passing by me, actually passing above me, that person that is covered in the white membrane gets quickly out of the hallway and gets lost between the shelves.
i get out of the elevator and look around. The sound of the latex rubbing somewhere in the distance still makes me wonder, if i'm safe here with, it. But it doesn't matter, my safety, anymore. It's harder and harder to move. The left arm's disintegration almost reached my elbow, my body's pelvis is gone too but more towards the right side, starting with the right ribs, where it meets with the right elbow, or the hole where my elbow was. On the floor appears suddenly a hologram. 'Invalid person recognized', and a flying drone comes to me.
"How can I help you?"
"Search Olsana."
The robot makes a three second pause to think and then envelops me in some kind of energetic field, a gravitational field. i'm floating. The drone flies away pulling me with it. After flying by a dozen of rows of shelves, the android stops and sets me down.
In front of me is a chair and a desk, both seem huge for me, but i'm just smaller. On the desk i see a computer, very old, with a squared screen, small and curved out and with a wooden case. The drone makes out a sound and the holographic message appears again, this time on the desk. 'Invalid person recognized'.
The desk and the chair lower down through an almost invisible hatch in the floor until the PC gets on the same level as me. my body, dissolved as it is, cannot stay in any other position than on my abdomen. It's a very old computer that has the keyboard integrated in the screen. i put my elbow on the keyboard hitting random keys, the screen turns on.
On the screen appear a series of verifications, then in big letters 'MICROSOFT'. It's probably an older version of a Windows Operating System. i don't see a mouse anywhere, the software opens and i have a bunch of options to select from a list: clock, calendar, notepad, paint… And the Database. i try to reach to select the Database but i can barely press right arrow with my elbow. i manage after a while to get at the tab that says Database.exe and hit enter. Search bar, my greatest enemy ever… i won't be able to search in time.
i look around me, the robot is gone.
"Hey. Come back! Help me!"
It feels strange, my body now, the emptiness in my stomach, it becomes literally a hole, a lack of organs. my whole body is holed, i have no more legs, hand…at least i'm left with my face. And my head, i don't feel yet pieces of it disappearing, and my thinking still seems intact.
i hear the electric engine noise, and from behind the shelve comes flying the drone. It sees me, scans me and pulls out a noise. The keyboard's keys go in, and on the screen i see appearing a cursor, i notice that it moves to where i point my eyes. i have to write in, Olsana, i don't even get to the letter O that in the search bar the name is already written. The robot leaves me alone again, but this time i don't need it anymore.
i point to the search button and a single result comes on the screen. Dated, 12 August 1980, rainy, the file it's called 'Domestic event', but i try to select that file and it doesn't work. It puts out the error 'Closed File'. i feel a short breeze that sends goosebumps all over my…what's left of my body, breeze that takes me out of balance, even though i'm on my chest and don't have how to physically fall or roll.
i know i have a memory, from when i was a child, not just, but something happened then…in that tomb, at night. i look at the screen and think of…it must be… i don't know how to search it. Brașov, cemetery, tomb, kid, 2000 - 2005, i think. i look at the search button and then one result pops up.
'21.08.2003'
It's just a date presented there as a title. i open the file.
'A local police squad responded to an event at the central cemetery. The squad was initially called for the disappearance of a minor, age 6, that was playing with his friends. After the parents were alerted, local police squad obtained information from one of the missing boy's friends, the information stated that the missing boy could be found in a certain tomb. The local police squad that responded went to the tomb where they knocked on the door in search for a response. The local police agents couldn't proceed due to…'
i sense the smell, the strong, stinging, pungent and welcoming scent that haunted me for these last days, the smell that i recognize but that i don't remember. The smell that gives me a headache so unbearable that i feel i'm just going to die.
It gets dark, two bright lights break through my eyelashes. One red and one blue. The glow is agitated, violent, it sends me with the thought to something bad. i open my eyes.
"…ambulance to the central cemetery. And send in a forensic unit."
It's me, escorted by a cop to my parents. i'm, completely naked, and full of blood, even the jacket the cop put on me is smeared with blood. my parents welcome me in their arms. The other cop is standing at the entrance, still looking into the tomb, and the two cops from the local police were keeping a perimeter around the tomb. i want to get close to the cop with the lantern, to see what's in the tomb, what happened.
What happened to me… i still can't, i'm a stump of a human, and soon i'll disappear.
i feel lighter, i feel like i'm floating. i hear the roar, the teeth grinding, the saliva that hits the tongue. i'm in archives. The robot is holding me up in the air. i don't have much time left. i look below and barely see anything left under the neck.
"One last wish?"
Asks me the robot that didn't talk to me at all, if i have a wish before i die. i don't know. i want to learn the truth. What happened there. But more important, i want to destroy the tower.
"The tower, i want it destroyed."
"Something else."
"Why?! i want you to destroy the tower, this is my wish!"
"Something else."
"i want…to know what happened. In the tomb."
"Something else."
"i don't know. Whatever you fucking want! i don't care."
"you want to have a nice view before you die?"
"Yes, i'd like to see Sarah…"
The robot leaves with me floating in the air following close behind, and we stop at a window. The same huge windows, starting at the floor and ending at the ceiling, and divided between themselves just by a thin frame. The robot holds me almost pinned against the window, up, at 3-4 metres above the floor. The view is so sad and gruesome, and so beautiful…
i see the entire earth. i see its curve. i see the clouds below, but they are so transparent and scarce that i can clearly see through them. i see mountains and seas that look so small and so close. i don't even think i can see Romania from up here. Upwards i see the stars, in full day, i see the darkness of the space and the stars and the horizon line, i also see the line that divides day and night, where the earth that captures the sun and the dark part of it fight for this day/night border.
It's incredibly beautiful the view, but this is just the beautiful. There's more… i see destruction, sadness, huge clouds of smoke and rivers of lava. i see the earth deforming and the world being destroyed in front of my eyes. It's not just me having my end now. The apple rots impaled in this black stick that i cannot destroy.
"Cede."
"No."
He was standing right near me, i see Him in the window's reflection. Somehow, still at my height He stands, even though i'm floating in the air, He wasn't this tall…
"Why don't you give up, why don't you cede? Why do you want to just hurt yourself and torment yourself, making your life just, miserable?"
"i don't want, You to take control of my body, i don't want, You to enjoy it. You that were put by Darkness in me. It's my body, it's me or nobody!"
"you don't know what is happening to you. Not who I am, what I am, or what I want. you know nothing. you don't even have the slightest idea what happened in that tomb and what is the connection between all these events and you. And I won't tell you anyway."
"i don't care, anyway, i won't cede control to You."
i can't give up, not yet, i'm so close. If He can make it all go back to normal, i sure can too. i feel that there is still a minuscule hope to save it all. i look out the window. i see only destruction. Destruction that went way past the point of no return.
"you're looking to your planet but can't see Sarah, and after her you're looking for. Do you want to see her?"
i look at Him through the reflection of the window. i don't have any more strength to say something to Him. To oppose to His methods of…
"Yes."
"Look."
i look through the window and see Sarah's building, and through the roof and all the floors above her, i see Sarah, in her room. She is packing up some stuff, she's alright. But around the building, around Romania, i see the destruction coming closer. Like a circle of fire closing in on her. i want, i want to save her, i can't…believe i really am thinking about this. Letting Him win…
"It's not about winning. I always wanted the best for you. I don't want to win, I just want to help you. And if how you say it, I win, automatically you win too."
"Help me, please. i need to destroy the tower."
"Not the tower is the issue."
"To ask for help from Light or Moon."
"It can't help you."
"Then what can i do?! What is the answer?!"
"The answer is the monster. The monster that you released. The monster that you headed towards all this time. The monster that you must defeat but which you can't. Because of the fear. you feel it? The fear? Each time you came close to the truth, when you figured out or remembered too much, when you uncovered something so gruesome, so dark, or when you couldn't remember something that you just did moments before, do you remember? It is time to face this monster. Or cede Me the control. There is no middle ground, no other way, no other option. And you don't have much time left…"
"Why do i have to defeat this monster?"
"Otherwise…otherwise you're going to die, at some point, you can't keep living this way… Please, fight."
i don't want to give Him control, but the monster… He's right, that monster stuck his fangs in my veins and released unimaginable fear to flow through me.
"This, or you cede control to Me, and I will lock again the monster, this time I hope, better. But he's still going to escape, and we're going to be again in this situation. Again and again and again and again… The forest is just growing…"
"i don't know if i can…"
"you are so close."
"Please, help me."
"What do you want?"
"To fight the monster."
i hear the blasting roar. my hair is blown back by the creature's puff, but he's not here yet. i don't see the monster, but i feel him, in my spine, in my very bone marrow, in my veins, inside my heart and my soul.
"Alright."
He snaps His fingers. Suddenly i feel…a rupture. A rupture that takes place in me. Like a membrane, like the skin that offers protection to the fetus, that was mauled apart and now, i'm completely naked and vulnerable. To what?
All stops. The constant shaking transforms into a sudden and brutal stillness. The noises, explosions, lights, are no more. Outside, the earth looks like before. i feel, the entire congestion, the entire population of humans, creatures, robots from the tower, all is gone completely. No more traffic going up and down the tower. Not one living or calculating being in this tower. i can see the main floors, 0, ±1000, ±2000, ±3000… and all the floors in between, how are suddenly devoid of life, movement, existence. Empty, or completely gone.
It's gone. All that was until now. The congestion of thoughts. The noise. i feel how…it's gone even light, moon, darkness. The story, the tomb. Everything. Everything that happened in these last days is gone completely and i'm just left with a bittersweet taste and a deep hole in my soul. But nothing is forgotten, it's just simply without value. False lies, still don't know what it means, but it feels like it.
i blink to discharge this unwanted tear and look in the reflection. my body, it's normal again. The shelves, the computers, the robot, they're gone too.
It is left just Him, and i, and this empty floor, and nothing above or below or beyond. i look at Him.
"And now?"
"Now you have to defeat the monster."
"How?"
"you have to go down."
"In the abyss?"
"In the abyss, we are already. you have to go much lower than this, you have to go to its world, and accept the monster, and face the monster, to be able to defeat the monster. To unfang the monster and let it be, because, to get rid of the monster forever, is impossible, well…you already saw how you can escape your fate, you saw the thousands of you that managed to do it. And to keep ignoring will just make you more weak and it even more stronger. It can't be done any other way."
"i am already in abyss?"
"I'm sorry…"
"How? When?"
"When you released it…"
i hear a growl this time, the monster, is ready to attack, he's waiting for me.
"Take care, and remember this, anything you'll see down there, any vision you'll have, any information you'll discover, you must know…that they are all true. They are all real. What matters, it's how you interpret them. How you let them damage you."
i look again out the window. The world is as quiet as always, unchanged by these events, as if completely detached from what i feel, from what it's happening to me. From me altogether. Strange, i don't see our reflection in the window anymore. i extend my hand forward, trying to reach for the protective glass, and my hand goes through. i lose my equilibrium and fall.
In the deepest blackness of my soul, i fall.
In all this blackness, i see a body, my body. i see it levitating and heading slowly towards a car, a hearse. The black hearse is moving too towards the body. The body hits, like a soft, limp, dummy, the windscreen, and goes through it like it was just a frail paper. The leg goes to the side and hits the glass, and it rips away. It was torn from the pelvis and now has its own trajectory different from the one of the body. The body travels through the vehicle and gets out through the rear windscreen, the head hits the edge of the metal part of the car and splits open. And all of it stops, my body lies down, torn, probably with the spine broken, in fact, with all the bones broken, and ripped and out, and the skull largely open and…
i float, but am pulled violently back up. i return, back to the floor from which i fell. He awaits me there.
"What happened?"
"you tell me. you got scared."
"You said that anything i'd see…"
"And you saw and then you got horrified, you refused, and you wished your death. And you relieved your accident, but with much more self-hatred."
"What do i have to do then?!"
"you have to hold it tight again, to keep it in your grasp, the reality. It's your reality, you control it, and with it, your memory too. So you model the shape. Hold it tight, control your reality. Fight, suffer, prevail. Then you'll remember, that you have to remember. And then you'll remember. And then, hold tight of that memory. Only that memory can help you face the monster."
"Why?"
"Because that's who you are. Because you have to know what you're dealing with. Because your hole, your weakness, is the greatest weapon against yourself."
"i'm scared."
"Don't be worried, I'm with you, I was…even since then."
"i remember…"
"Go!"
i know…i can't continue like this. He stands with me, stood until now, hadn't done anything wrong, anything bad to me. i'm forced to trust Him, and i do, but i have this very bad feeling. That it's not good what i'm doing, each molecule of me fights against this decision. i even hear a voice yelling from inside me, deep, barely can hear it, but i know it says no. N͟o͟!͟ ͟N͟o͟o͟o͟o͟o͟o͟!͟
i dash towards where the membrane was and plunge. This time i throw myself into the darkness from pure will, i'm not afraid anymore. In fact, i'm afraid, i'm so fucking afraid, and in spite of this sentiment, i move forward into the darkness with my eyes open, holding it tight, my reality, and ready for whatever comes for me to see. i fall…upwards.
Two bright sparks of light, two police cars, one that lights up red-blue, and the other just blue. It's me, naked, hugged by my parents, held by hand by the cop, pushed away by my parents, taken by the cop, back to the tomb. All of it moves backwards, even time. The blood drops drip from the ground, back to my body devoid of wounds but full of blood. i see the moon moving too, until it stops. i'm in the tomb, i can see the moon through the small window that i climbed through. It's dark in the tomb. i can see only myself, the kid, i see myself getting up from the ground and dust off my knees. i didn't fall too bad. i go below the window and yell, i yell for help. For my friends.
But help doesn't come. Nor my friends. Nothing comes. i sit down scared, terrified by the darkness surrounding me. i close my eyes. i don't want to move anymore, i don't want to exist anymore, until help comes. But, nothing comes. i'm afraid to move even my eyes. The moon's rays stretch only up to the wall near me, and i see the graves, the plaques. i don't see any door, i can't reach the window, i'm trapped. Alone…
i hear something. my eyes move agitated everywhere, to be sure i cover the entire field of view, the entire room, even if i don't see anything, in case something appears, to see it right away. i'm searching frantically with my eyes to see something in this blindness.
The smell. i hear something again, a blow, a heavy breath, a rustle and a flint. The flint again, this time sparks are left behind the sound. The sound again followed by sparks, for a second i thought i saw a hand. Again, yes, it was clearly a hand. Again, this time a flame follows the sparks, and the flame lights up the room enough to see it all, all that was necessary. To see the one holding the lighter.
T͙̦͈̭̦̥͖̫͉̰͔̜̞͕̫͓̜͎̎́͑͛́̄͒̊̐͑̅̀̇̐͆̋́̅̔̏̆̚̚h̥̝͙͍͖̜̬͔͔̣͓̱̮̥̜̠̬̩̲̮͔̉̎̽̆͆͒̐̂̈́̆̄̏͌͗̂̀̊̂̓͋̍̍̚ḙ̭͓̟͉̯̙̤̙̲̠̞̱͓͚̱̘̳̙̦͍̗̆̒̓̽͋̔̈́̽͛̑̒͂̀͒̉̐ M̦̱̙̦͕͉̬̪̰͕͖͓̳̝͔͍̤̰̲͈̉͗̏̎͋̃̑̊̔̂̈͂o̤͈̗̥̲̜̠̮̙͈͔̗͎͙̦͕̰̜̞̫͓̩͔͔͊͆̒̔̾̓̽̓̃̓͆̋͒̋͛̎̊̐͊̄̉̌n̳̠͖͔̥̠̬͉͔̩̙̜̫̤͉̤͔̊̔͆̂̑̆͒̓̋͒͑͌̿̿̋͐͊̚s̜̮͉͇͕̰͉͓̯͚̠͓̘̪̠̦̠͔̾̀̓̂͂̈͌͛͊̓͑̓̇́͗t̥̲̟̥̦̠̜̯̪̮̦̅͂͆̂͛͌̎͛̀̈̒͗̽͒̈̑̆̈ͅě̝̗̤͍̲͚͚̖̲͔̮͎̤̘͍͙̓̌́̆͑̓̂͒͋́͆̏͊̓̐̈̐̀͌ͅͅͅͅr̝̮̯̟͈̜̜̥̞̪͚̫̦̱̭̰̾͂͛͆̊̀̾͆̀͐̔̂̍̏̀̌̊̓͂ͅ
my brain itches terribly, i feel this strong, atrocious urge to close my eyes. To disappear. To forget. To be gone. Even my eyelids press down, but without success. i won't close my eyes, i won't run, i won't disappear, i won't forget, i won't be gone. i won't cease to exist. i'll fight! i'm so scared…
And as if by hearing this thought, now my heart is under attack, held by a monstrous claw and pressed up to the extreme. i feel like i'm having a heart attack, my heart is beating in a suicidal way. Why, his face causes this to me? i hear my thoughts echoing, but i can barely make sense of what i'm thinking from the noise of the heart beats that resonates in my eardrums.
The man is staring straight at me, eyes bloodshot, as if all the veins exploded, the nose also red but with small spots of silver. Silver that is found also all over his face in small spots and even on his clothes. The mouth, irritated and full of red spots that extend over his face, gets stuck on the opening of a transparent plastic bag, and he breathes in. The plastic bag thins and gets smaller and then it blows and swells even bigger than before. Some kind of dark silver dust can be seen on the bottom of the plastic bag. The bag thins again and is then removed from the mouth. All this time, the man's eyes were targeting me without even blinking.
"Tell me you, wonderful creature, what brings you to my lair?"
"Creature?"
"Yes, gentle rabbit, what are you seeking for in the mouth of the fox?"
"i'm not searching for anything, i don't want in the mouth of the fox. i fell here, in fact i was supposed to hide with some friends but they left me here alone."
"Oh my, and what friends. With these kind of friends…don't you better want some new ones?"
"New ones?"
"Yes, ah, wait, you can't see them. you need the magical glasses, take."
The man holds out the plastic bag, towards me. The smell that gets out of it, it's dizzying. But, it's as if it grabs me by the nose trills and pulls me with the head close to the bag. i put my hands on it, and push it towards the man, he looks at me in disdain and pulls it back to his mouth. He puffs a few more times, some good breaths, takes a pause, as if his brain got stuck for a moment. From his sight, that hasn't moved from me since, he seemed to have no thoughts, and then, he comes back to me.
"Come closer, don't be afraid. It's very good. Take a deep breath, and you'll find happiness."
he looks at me holding the bag with the opening towards me. i can see the star dust material through the hole.
"If you don't taste, you don't know what you're missing."
"No…"
"NO! If you don't fucking taste, i will fucking shove this knife in you, until my arm breaks fucking off, you fucking cunt!"
The man pulls out a dagger with a sheathe and unsheathes the dagger and demonstrates on the wall near him how he's going to stab the dagger into my meat. he hits the wall unnaturally hard, his hand is bending in an inhuman way on each impact, until, the blade breaks. The tip of the blade falls on the ground, it looked old anyway, and rusty, it was expected, that or his hand to break. But not for the man. he looks at me with eyes that put the fault of breaking the blade on me. he'll kill me.
"i will taste!"
The man moves his hand low to his penis and rubs it thrilled, he's excited.
"Ah! That's what i wanted to hear. Take and taste."
The man extends his other hand, holding the plastic bag, towards my mouth, while he's still rubbing and making some intense facial expressions. i get closer with my mouth to the bag's mouth and stick my lips sealed, and breathe in…
i feel thousands of tingles embracing my body, as if thousands of ants get out of the bag, into my mouth and invade my body in a continuous march to take over my whole self. These pins and needles that i feel, give me a sensation of stifling heat with a maximum happiness but also regret and sorrow that i did this. Oh god…
"How was it? Smelled like freedom right?"
"Oh god!"
"There is no god, there is no jesus, in here, it's just i. Take another hit! i'm going to turn you into a god! Take!"
Completely dazzled and broken, my world is just shaking and melting, my mind too. i feel a sudden impact on my mouth, coldness, numbness, pain, all spreads along my body and my brain through a flash. i look at my mouth, i'm kissing the mouth of the bag, again. It hurts as he's pushing it against my face harder and harder until i finally take another hit.
A flash goes through my head and i start suddenly to feel different. Full of energy and lazy, numb and extremely strong, devoid of air and ready to run, dying but invincible. But mostly…limp.
i don't feel my body, at all, it does not exist for me anymore, it's completely separated and does what it knows to do by itself, surviving without any help from my side. But i have this constant feeling that it will forget to breathe, and i won't be able to give it the command, i won't be able to remind it. Eyelids are heavy and moving by themselves, closing and opening in an abnormal way, eyes are moving alone and deciding what i can see. Here it happens. i am not I anymore.
"See? you feel like a god now? you'll feel soon. Allow me first to take my reward after i helped you."
The man leans forward, propped on one hand, with the other holding the bag over his mouth and breathing chaotically. his eyes are blood thirsty. Mouth drools of lust. And hands just want to grab and take away. my light goes off, i didn't do this, i don't know what's happening but i'm enveloped in darkness, and it feels comfortable, and safe, and nurturing and… i can't. No, i don't want this now, not when he's…
"Let Me protect you…"
His voice, but so frail and young and barely…born…
i force my eyes open, and see, and look ahead of me. The man was above me, like a mountain that was holding me pinned down, crushed against the ground, giving me not even the slightest hope that i can escape. his hand goes lower and lower and pulls down my pants after it. Pants fall off immediately and are thrown in a corner of the tomb, together with the underpants. i feel the coldness, the draught making me feel bare and vulnerable. The ice cold cement under my ass. The man looks just into my eyes and sticks the plastic bag again to my mouth.
"Shhhhhh. It's my first time too."
This time i breathe willingly, i just hope…it kills, just so it could stop it all. If i won't be anymore, this too won't be, and all would be fine…
Darkness, envelop me, cover me, take over me and protect me. Take my body and take it away from here, take me and make me disappear. Please. Don't leave me. Now…
Useless. i'm here, i forced myself to be here, and now i feel it all, i see it all, no matter how much i try, i can't block anything anymore. This constant shaking and rocking of my body, these violent earthquakes that turn my stomach upside down, tears my soul inside out. i'm sick, disgusted, by him, by humankind, by all that could be responsible for this that is happening to me. By myself…
All stops, and instantly after i feel empty, as if a part of me left out, never to return. Warm drops, hot even, fall, squirt my face. Is it raining? i'm crying…? Could be tears, but they don't feel mine, these droplets…
The man pulls out back into his corner of a lair. his face…so similar to mine… So many feelings that i think i'm feeling now, i also see them on his face… he covers it quickly with the bag and wipes his own tears and breathes in while holding his weapon, weapon that he keeps polishing victoriously like a gladiator after a fierce victory. i look at the weapon, and can't at anything else, it's the weapon that killed me. It's the weapon that destroyed my childhood, my life, my self. i close my eyes.
"i promised you that you'll be a god. It is time. i'd tell you a story now, my father told me, mother too, sometimes…it helps, i'd tell you myself but we have no time…the ritual must be finished, and you must rise. Now that you're empty, Light can come into you."