i rise. i wake up. i'm still at that same damned floor, in the same damned tower, with Him. i'm safe, but it's really really useless. i don't feel safe, at all, never will ever feel safe. i feel…bare, empty, lacking of clothes, of skin, of any protection. Of that very membrane that i didn't even knew existed and that i miss so much now. i'm completely vulnerable. i feel the constant breeze touching my skin. i'm not wearing anything on, even though i look at myself and have clothes on, they are useless, they don't cover me.
Everywhere i'd be, a part of me stays there. i look at Him. How does He dare not to cry, not to feel sorry for me. How does He have the audacity to look at me this way…this way…this way devoid of any emotion for me. Not the smallest expression on His face. No sorrow or regret. Why is He not suffering, for me, with me, because i fucking can't, i fucking can't wear this all over me! Suffer. SUFFER!
What am i thinking, He helped me, He…
He from where His mouth is supposed to be, moves, wants to say something. i don't let Him.
"i feel!…desecrated, like a temple of the most sacred god, in which happened the most atrocious crime."
"I'm sorry…that you have to relive this moment, but try to not forget it, to hold it in yourself. This is your reality…this is your memory…and you have to make use of this memory."
"How?"
"you have to prove the monster that in spite of this memory, you still have the courage to face it."
"i do? Because i don't want to see him anymore, i don't want to face him anymore, i just want to forget it all. i want to cease to exist."
"I know, but how does this forgetting helps you? Because it still happened, the memory will remain there and in spite of your best attempts to repress it, and even Mine to protect you from it, the memory will still escape, and like a monster, will come for you, again. Always."
"And what do i do?!"
"you go, and show it that you're not afraid by the monster that it created."
"And…i should forgive him?!"
"No, no way. Just show it that you're over. That you don't care, that you survived, that you lived."
"How do i do this? Where is he?"
"Inside you, just there it's left, stuck in a corner of darkness, forced to create its own isolated world and exist for eternity. This would be its punishment. Go there and…acknowledge its existence, show it that you are not afraid, and that you don't need to run from it anymore."
"i just want to get rid of him. To make him pay for what he did. To kill him!"
"Just leave it be alone, forget it…even forgive it…whatever it takes to leave it just be…"
"And he to escape his punishment?!"
"Who is suffering more, you, or the monster?"
"It doesn't matter, i want him to suffer, even if…"
"That monster, pity him, lived and still does a fate much worse than yours. That monster is holding a double edged sword, while one is smeared with its blood, it didn't know what to do with the clean side, so it smeared it with yours."
"Then why did You made him suffer, killed him, with light? Because every time he came to me, appeared in front of me, came out of darkness, You put light on him, enough to kill, to make him disappear completely. Why can You do that! And i can't do it for myself!"
"Shadows, are always there, light doesn't kill them, doesn't make them disappear, doesn't do anything but to blind you, and make you believe they are gone, make you forget they are still there. But they are, always are, always will be. Shadows are casted by things, objects, events, like what happened to you, and you can't get rid of that, of what happened to you, you can just live with it. Accept it. Live with your shadows and stop trying to cast them away, because you'll never fully forget, him. Aren't you tired of looking at any shadow, any piece of darkness, with total fear that something, some monster could jump out of there and kill you? you won't be able to get rid of that shadow, that is cast by that event, and you won't be able to get rid of all the shadows and the darkness of the world. you won't be able to live in a world full of light. It's impossible, even you cast your own shadow."
"Shut up with Your nonsense! Shut…just shut… You know what? Take me there. Tell me where he is."
"you've been there. you know where it is. That dark place of its, you saw it there, but probably forgot."
"In…the tomb? In that dark place, wet place. i remember, his face, him. i remember that i forgot him right after i saw him. And now i remember it all."
"Not quite all."
"Yes. How i was left in the tomb, how it happened…what happened, how the police came and saved me."
"There is still a part of memory blocked. you have to free yourself, completely."
"i want to face him."
"Go."
"To fight him and punish him."
"Get over."
"i want to see him…"
"Look."
"…and kill him."
"Don't kill…"
"i must go there…"
"…you already are."
i feel my feet wet. i look down, it's a puddle, a lake, lit up. Other than that, everything else is dark. In the water's reflection i see Him, but He's not with me anymore, He's just under me, just in the reflection. i am here.
"Please, kill me. Kill me already!"
Behind me, it's the man, the man from the tomb. Full of blood, and has a huge open wound on his chest. i feel my heart exploding from fear. Why do i feel guilty and devoid of power?
"Finish already what you started! Finish the ritual!"
my left hand is heavy, i have the dagger in it. His dagger, broken, without tip, rusty, blunt, and full of blood. The dagger, my hands, clothes, all are soaked in blood. i get close to the man, he leans up towards me and tries to grab me with his dirty hands, but falls. He grabs my leg and pulls my pant.
"Please, kill me."
i kick him in his head and kneel down near him, i place my knee on his chest wound and let my weight push down on him.
"You destroyed me. Why wouldn't i destroy you too? Why would i let you get off so easy?"
"Please…"
i place my knee from his chest to his neck to stop him from speaking, and breathing. i stick the blade to his face and move it softly without piercing the skin, yet. i'm scared of what i could do. i have so much power now… NO!
"i don't want you do die, not yet, i just want to make your life a living hell. To torture you, to fuck you up, to make you cry like a little girl."
"Already, the monster was tortured, by life. Leave it, it paid for what it did to you long before it did it."
i can't listen to Him, that's between me and the monster.
"No! i will crush him like an ant, but first, i will make him feel like one."
"Remember."
"i remember, each second, each sensation and feeling. i don't think i will be able to forget, ever! i want to forget it!"
The hand holding the dagger starts trembling, i tighten my grasp and hold it as hard as i can, i raise it above the man's head and don't get to let it fall down that my image distorts. my eyes fill suddenly with tears.
i wipe my face from the steaming hot drops of tears. They are not mine. The monster stopped from shining his sword and now just breathes in the plastic bag. i want to close my eyes! i don't want this anymore! …but even closed, his image, his body, naked, laid on his back. It's still there. Inside me. i can't.
"But i think we have some time. i can tell you the story, it will help you. i remember that, even my mother told me this story, it stopped for a while, while my dad was in jail."
Wipes some more of the steamy hot tears from his face and breathes in again.
"Ah, i remember the day he got out, he got out so much sooner because he had connections and he knew stuff about people in high places, higher than i am right now even, and i'm high as a kite. Anyway, he got out so much sooner…and he came right away home, to save me, and tell me again his stories, about light and darkness and…"
i open my eyes back. i'm back in the tomb, naked, in front of him. The monster is laid back, with his head resting on a thick jacket and breathing from his plastic bag. Still naked. This time he's holding a dagger in his, other hand, his broken and untainted yet, dagger. he stops from inhaling the dust in that bag, he starts dancing with his dagger through the air, but as blunt as it is, not even the air you can say it cuts through.
"…the story! Ah, yeah. The never ending fight of darkness and light, i know it's a cliché, but whatever, let's continue. In this story, you are…hmm, who would you be? i know, you are light. The fate of the world depends on you, or something like that, i don't remember exactly, i wasn't listening the story too closely. They were empty naked words without meaning, or weight, that were just smashing into my eardrums, but they did caress some of my wounds a little. No, there's no reason to do this, you have a fate so much bigger than ours, you will become a god over us, you will see the light at the end of this fucked up storm, i trust that you will be the lonely survivor, you will revenge, us all, the ones who'd just fallen, without climbing like gods, back up. Or not, at least someone should get out of this right. Kill your demons, right? That's what matters."
The man inhales from his bag, this time so much deeper and harder than he did before, and starts coughing violently. A loud roar can be heard starting from his throat, but it's cut quickly by some more coughs. he spits blood and barely finds a breath of clean air to take in.
"C'mon, it is time!"
The man stands up on his legs, or at least he's trying, the moment he's up a little he looks at me with big, crazed eyes that get even bigger as he realizes, he then falls down heavy. he turns on his back again, with his head between my legs, and looks at me upside down. This time he has this very calm look, a little, guilty. Remorse. Suffering. Will to die… he holds his hand out to me with the dagger in it and sticks it to my chest. i feel the cold blade on my bare skin. i quickly grab the blade part, thinking he's going to stab me, and hold it tight.
"Take it, please, kill me."
his words fell heavy on me, i felt crushed under the weight of a mountain, by the responsibility that the monster handed me. he lets go of the dagger and places both his hands on his belly, like a dead man. A little lower is his penis uncovered, it's disgusting, i keep trying to derail my sight, to forget this image but i can't, it's as if burned with a hot iron into my brain, forever.
i open my fist holding the blade and look at it. Dirty, rusty, blunt and broken, and now with a small stream of blood dripping down towards the handle. It's mine, i look at my palm, i have a cut across it. The man keeps watching me intently.
"Stab that knife in me. C'mon."
"No…"
"It's your final ritual. you have to put an end to this chain of pains, to rise above us, to become a god!"
The man starts tearing up. i grab the dagger firmly and raise it above him.
"Kill me!"
The blade falls, heavy, right in the middle of his chest. Penetrates, but not deep enough. The man cries loud in pain. Anguish.
"Aaaaaa! What are you doing?! i told you to kill me! Do it faster! It hurts!"
The man seems to be in a terrible agony. i'm scared and scarred. i'm…enthralled…i wish for it to stop, i whish for it to continue, i wish for more… i didn't want to do this, to kill him neither, what do i do? i have to do something, i can't leave him like this. The cries of horrible pain of his, seem so much sadder than if they would've come from a child, or any other animal. A so mature man, to get into this kind of desperation, to get so low. A monster's cries are so much awful giving the ferocity it once portrayed…
"Please…kill me."
he's crying, sobbing like a baby, this monster, wailing in pain, but i can't, i can't stab the knife once more into him. i can't kill him, i can't kill someone…
"Please, i'm suffering. Please. Just stop all this pain. i can't…"
The man grabs my hand that i held the dagger with and pulls it to his neck, he doesn't stop there. The blade is thrust out off his chest and instantly through his neck, but remains stuck there. The man's hand falls limply, he's still alive but doesn't have enough strength to move. Or even scream. he's just choking in his own blood fighting to breathe. His body trembles, shakes like a horrifying earthquake, he's having spasms, his eyes are almost popping out of his head from pain.
my hand is still on the handle of the dagger that was stuck into his neck. my whole hand, face, entire body is enveloped in blood, warm blood that keeps gushing out of the monster's neck. his sight glues to mine and asks me for a last time, to kill him. i pull the dagger down until it reaches and cuts the second aorta.
The way the blade pierced through the soft meat from his neck, and the sound that the aorta made when it ripped, and the sound of the blood combined with compressed air that was pumped out of the body in insane amounts… There, above the monster's head, with my hands, both of them, laying on the dagger's handle, i close my eyes. i pass out. i fall.
"C'mon, what you're waiting for there! Kill me!"
"Don't do this!"
i open my eyes. i'm still on my knees, above the man, the same wound is on his chest but it seems old, time went over it, years. The man is still alive. i'm back in his world. Near me, in the water's reflection, i see Him, as if trying to hold my hand, with another. He's trying to hold my left hand, in which i hold the dagger.
"Ptuh! Kill me!"
The man spits blood on my face. i wipe it out and hit his nose with the back of the dagger.
"No!"
"That's it! Stab that knife into me. End my suffering! Finish the ritual! you god! you are a god! god! Kill meeeeee!"
"Don't kill him!"
"you, are, a, gooooood!"
"This is your chance! The chance you didn't had your entire life! Escape!"
"This is your chance! The chance we didn't had our entire lives! Ascend! Kill me!"
i look at Him from reflection and slap the water with all my strength. The whole image is destroyed by the waves created from my slap, the water calms back down and, He's gone. my shadow. i look at the man. i want, no, i must…think this logically. i know nothing else but what i saw directly. i have three options. Kill him…
"Kill meeeeee!"
i can stay here and torture him until i get bored, and then kill him, if there's anything left of him.
"Please, just shove that knife into my neck. you know how, you did it before. Just do it again."
Again…? Or i can leave.
̶N̶o̶o̶o̶o̶o̶o̶!̶
i look at ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ and stick the blade to ̶i̶t̶s̶ neck. ̶I̶t̶ shuts up, with a happy calm smile on ̶i̶t̶s̶ face, ̶i̶t̶ awaits ̶i̶t̶s̶ quick and painless death. Or so ̶i̶t̶ thinks.
"̶Y̶o̶u̶ destroyed my childhood. ̶Y̶o̶u̶ fucked me up. i don't know why, or what is ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ story, even though i can deduce some of it. But it doesn't matter, nothing, only what ̶y̶o̶u̶ did. And for this, ̶y̶o̶u̶ will remain forever in me, no matter what i'd do, how i'd do it, that shadow that ̶y̶o̶u̶ came out of won't be purged. But i don't care. Long time passed since that day, and even though i won't forget, and i don't want to forget anymore, i will get over. i have a girlfriend, and want to learn along her how to be a new man, how to be, a man. To not be afraid of sex, and of my bareness, and of darkness. To fill the void in me with her soul, and get over."
i get up from ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶, let the knife fall on ̶i̶t̶, the knife falls on the side and stays on the ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶'̶s̶ abdomen. i look at ̶i̶t̶ looking at me with so much vile hatred.
̶N̶o̶!̶ ̶N̶o̶!̶ ̶N̶o̶!̶ ̶G̶e̶t̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶!̶ ̶K̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶m̶e̶!̶
"It is so clear that ̶y̶o̶u̶ are not him. The man that i killed, poor guy, in his last moments, looked at me with compassion, sympathy, regret, sadness, but also hope. ̶y̶o̶u̶ are not like him. ̶Y̶o̶u̶ are not human, ̶y̶o̶u̶ are subhuman, ̶y̶o̶u̶ are just a memory, a monster that i don't have to slay or to forget, but just accept and live with. he, i forgive. ̶Y̶o̶u̶, i won't be afraid of when i look at shadows from now on. ̶Y̶o̶u̶ don't even deserve to die. So i just offer ̶y̶o̶u̶ an adieu…monster."
The fallen and broken image of a man in front of me starts making the sounds of ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶, the roars, the screams, the cries, but all of them, are not frightening anymore, they are not cries of attack anymore. But simply, the sounds of an infinitesimal animal, in front of a God. ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ grabs the dagger and thrusts ̶i̶t̶s̶ hands as fast as ̶i̶t̶ can to his neck. i close my eyes.
i don't see, but i hear what is happening. i hear the cries of pain and desperation of a beast devoid of purpose or power to live. A beast in agony. A beast that's dying. i turn to 180° and open my eyes. i look at the end, as furthest as possible, searching for the maximum point where the bright water's edge merges, welds into the rest of the darkness. The horizon. That's where i'm heading. i go.