Eyelids become heavier and heavier. i can barely discern what is in front of me. Now, at the end, all the emotions flood me, fill me, take over me. Old emotions, fear, desperation, terror, cowardice, surrender, malice, wickedness and hatred. But also new emotions, happiness, freedom, closure, gratitude, love and acceptance.
i'm at peace, but torn from hunger, my stomach, i feel it as if it's broken, beyond repair. my body, exhausted, hurt, roughed up, beyond salvation. my muscles start giving in, from neck down, after hands and to the legs. i fall.
The water feels different, on my skin, on my face. It's soft, all of it, caressing, welcoming. The warmth sensation, of maternity, of protection, of love. i feel like in a womb. my body numb, easy becomes, a fetus body in forming. Not yet ready, i am not yet ready, to get out.
But the light says something different. Between my eyelids, like a fairy godmother, enters the light, grabs me and pulls me back into the world of the living. Forced, but i don't fight. i'm reborn. Finally. Out of this womb. With…the same body, the same mind, the same memories, and the same self. But i'm new. Strange, i'm not anywhere anymore, but it rains.
"you slept enough my love. Wake up."
It's her voice, Sarah's voice but, it's stained with pain.
"I beg you…from the bottom of my soul, please…open your eyes."
i open my eyes. i'm in bed. Sarah standing above me, crying. Her sweet tears were forming the rain that befell on me. A sweet warm rain of spring. A rain that you don't want to hide from but in which you want to dance. i'm still in my room, i mean George's, but it's our room. Sarah sees that i'm awake, she's shocked, she's happy, she's amazed, but more grateful for this. She grabs me, hugs me and strangles my body so hard. Every bone in me, every muscle scream of pain, but i won't stop her now, who knows what i've done now. i fucked up pretty bad, that's what i've done…
She releases me and looks at me intently, she didn't stop from her crying.
"Why are you doing this to me you fucker?! you're killing me, some day you will kill me of worry. Cause I see you have no death…"
"C'mon…it wasn't that bad."
"No?! Look at yourself in the mirror!"
Sarah pushes my chest lightly. It hurts, but she's right.
"Sarah. i'm done."
Sarah looks at me confused, as if attacked by what i said, worried, scared, i don't let her imagine what i wanted to say.
"With everything, with all the problems, i'm free. i told you i had some problems i needed to solve, problems that would've affected both of us if we would've let them be. i escaped. i solved those problems."
"What problems you had…"
"The accident, events that happened long time ago, in my childhood, events that affected me."
Sarah's face changes. She waits for me to finish my idea.
"When i was small, a child, i think around 7 years old…"
i take a longer pause to search for my thoughts, gather them, and arrange them carefully. i can't just throw now in her face, the fact that i was raped, and forced to kill the rapist, by the rapist, all under the influence of heavy drugs, in a tomb, at night, alone… i must tell her though, all of it, we need to live with this together, i can't hold it alone…carry it alone…i must think how to tell her this without…
"I know…"
"Wha…?"
"I know it already, most of it, your old psychiatrist came to visit you while you were in the coma, he told me. And then your parents told me when I was deadly worried that you kept going to Brașov. And the…"
"i've been…i felt so alone…it was horrible, but…there's so much more, so much more happened…"
Sarah starts tearing up again, i see her suffering, but it's important. This part of my life, it's so very important, and i want to share it with her, to share this burden and carry it further together. Because otherwise, i can't alone, to carry so much. So i tell her, everything, absolutely everything that happened, that didn't happen, that i don't even know if happened.
Sarah told me that i was found in Brașov, passed out on a small pile of sand. i was taken to the hospital, from where i ran, and i was found again, in the tomb. And from there, where i was in critical condition, i was brought back to Bucharest where i was stabilized. And then, my old psychiatrist said that it would be better for me to stay in a familiar place where to wake up this time, from my coma. i have an I.V. catheter on each of my hands, and i see a rack with perfusion packs near the bed, but now i am not connected to anything. From what i understood, i had I.V.'s on both my hands, in many spots, because the serum couldn't get in me, i was rejecting it.
The doctor that decided that i am to be moved home, Sarah said that it is very important for me to see him, that he knows about me, and about my case in depth. i remember who he is, and i will see him. But for now, all that matters is that i'm with Sarah.
Sarah gets up from the bed, i'm still numb from the position, i think we spent half of the day just to tell stories and talk, well i did most of the talking but…it's already night outside. Sarah turns to me smiling.
"Omelette?"
"Please. i'm starving."
"Well, take it easy, wash your hands and I'll wait for you in the kitchen."
i try to get up, and immediately am attacked by my body and thrown back into the bed. i'm weak, starving, and completely devoid of energy. The pain that i feel now, my body, everything is so much worse than it was after the accident. As if i was in a state of numbness all that time. And now i feel all that i am supposed to feel now from the new wounds, and all that i was supposed to feel then, from the old wounds.
"Ahh!"
"Take it easy, please. Doctor said that you should immediately get on solid food and start moving, but very easy."
"Easy, easy, of course, my love. i can handle it, thanks."
Sarah looks at me a little worried but then smiles a little and goes to the kitchen. With a big part of the weight propped on my hands, i move my legs and my pelvis towards the edge of the bed. i feel my bones shifting into my body, with my body, in a very wrong way. my legs fall and i get up on my ass. i just have to get the blood going, the rest will follow.
i push in my hands and suddenly am on my feet. i tilt to a side slowly but catch my self quickly onto the wall in front of me. With my left hand propped against the wall, i start with short steps to head towards the kitchen. Each second that passes since i got up from the bed multiplies the pain that am already feeling. As if there is but just more pain.
i arrive in front of the big mirror in the foyer and lean back on the opposite wall. i'm curios of how i look, if i have the wound on my face, if…
"you look good, trust Me."
It's Him. He's on the other side of the mirror, in my place.
"Why so shocked?"
"i…didn't expect to see You anymore. i thought…"
"you thought you can get off that easy? … I'm joking. you got off, you did it, and it wasn't easy at all, but you escaped. you survived."
"Well…then You…are real?"
"Yes, and no…"
"Will i continue to see You?"
"I don't know. I hope not. But…it depends on you."
"What…are You? Sorry to ask this, i know You really were a good friend for me, a true friend. And You helped me, in spite of my scepticism, but, so much information i discovered now and, some things don't make sense at all. And i think You are the missing variable that could explain it all. i'd like to, get my mind free from the rest of the information that is only there to tangle my thoughts."
"And that would be?"
"Well…everything? What…the story…"
"The story has been told to you by your neighbour from Brașov, at short time after the event. she needed this story, and wrote it in a journal, and grew it, it was all that she could do. And she took you to her place, gave you to drink her miracle working tea, and gave you to read from that story to grow it yourself too. Because she…"
"i know…i know. And her son, and their father, they all also got… i know…"
Nobody says anything, i look at Him now, from behind the mirror. There was a time when His presence induced fear in me. But now He seems, harmless, like a lion behind the security glass.
"Anything else?"
"Light, darkness, moon?"
"That story developed and grew by how you willed; it helped you grasp it, the tragedy that befell on you."
"And when i went down, in the tomb? i was hallucinating?"
"you…yes. I was in control then. I was controlling your body. To My best capabilities…"
"Why?"
"you wanted to kill yourself, with your shoelace, after you remembered… I couldn't let you."
"And then in the car…"
"you hallucinated again, your s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟…I couldn't do anything…it was too fast. One second you were on the road, in the next one the car was rolling in the field. I'm so sorry."
"It's alright. But, how did You…how can You take over control? And when did You start doing this?"
"At first, it was hard, I tried to take it from you even since the first second after…after I was born. I failed. After that, I kept trying until the moment that I succeeded, the moment in which you were left alone in the tomb…after it all already ended."
"And until the police came?"
"Much after that. I…couldn't maintain the control, but without Me being in control, the body was left empty. And it stayed so for a big period of time after, and I wasn't able to recover it. Then, your parents got worried, they were scared, they took you to the psychiatrist."
"And you talked with the psychiatrist."
"Yes, it was the third one as I remember, he helped Me retake control the first time he was visiting, when you had one of your attacks. His calm voice and his control over you helped me."
"And since then?"
"Then followed the sessions, the move to Bucharest, a lot of other episodes and attacks and periods in which your body was empty. Devoid of a guiding soul. The psychiatrist helped me develop the capacity to take over control, and together we brought you back to the surface, for good."
"To the surface?"
"Yes, abyss is the place you were immersed into when you weren't in control. That's what we decided to call it."
"And until now, recently?"
"There's been episodes, there's been moments when you went towards darkness, searching the truth, or something happened that triggered your memory. There were a lot of these. Especially a lot of cases in which ugly shadows or moments of darkness freaked you and got you to remember."
"But why did these, episodes, kept happening? If i forgot, why was i remembering still?"
"Triggers, smells, events, anything that could've taken you and your thoughts in that direction. The memory never was forgotten, never was lost. It actually was fresh, till the smallest detail. The memory was just blocked, blinded by the story, forgotten in…abyss."
"And now, i remembered…because, i was with Sarah."
"Yes, in the first night, Sarah started to caress you, to touch you and you refused her, then she got a little more direct, but then…I managed to block the memory, and you escaped her, but after that…the second night, then, after you almost…I threw Sarah from the bed and ran, and then you got out to the club with Matt. And you drank, a lot and…I couldn't block the memory anymore. your mind was subjected to so many things, including alcohol."
"i remember…"
"Everything is alright now. you succeeded in defeating the monster. It's time to be happy."
"But, in that night, when i relaxed, when i let go of…it wasn't the monster. What was it? What did i lost that night?"
"Control, over your own reality. I told you to hold it tight, because I knew that s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ would try to grab it. When you went into the coma, I didn't rejoice, but it was what was needed at that time, there, s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ didn't have any more power over your reality, and I decided that this time we can defeat the monster. I used the coma to prepare you, far from s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟' reach. But even then, through your cries, when you yelled for Olsana, for answers, you managed to get s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ into that world too, and it managed to push the story down your throat and make you believe in it. And it also succeeded in pushing you to get out of that world faster. But I managed to get you tougher in time, to have you get out of the coma prepared. But as soon as you woke up, s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ knew that you were so close to the monster again, closest you've ever been, and took control over reality. And, in spite of all that happened, of all that you saw, you survived, you made it."
"You helped me enormously. You gave me back my life actually. But…i don't know, i think i have a suspicion, but, who are You?"
"Who am I? I…i am You. i was created by You, born from Your wish to survive, to help You get over this event. Your brain created me, to take care of You and take care of all, until You would be able to do it alone. And when the event would not weight on You so heavy, i will be no more."
"I…thank you, it doesn't weight, so heavy."
"i know, i feel it, how i'm disappearing."
"Sarah told me about the doctor, I will go visit him these days. you should know him, I remember the safeties…"
"You should see him as soon as You can, he helped You so much, the doctor. Then especially. The trick with the coin… Then, after the event, You were empty, You weren't eating, weren't drinking, weren't doing anything. S͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ was trying to kill You, not You especially, but everything connected to the event. Was trying to destroy the memory, at any price. So the doctor, together with me, created our safeties. As we noticed that s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ only tried to kill You if You remembered, or were trying to remember. So together we countered s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟' attacks on You, and i was to counter Your attempts to remember. And You came back, You started eating again, drinking again, talking again. Being again. And the safeties were there, placed in case that You remembered again. The story was the perfect weapon for s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ to keep You far away from the memory."
"Why did s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ wanted so much for me not to remember?"
"Couldn't face it, thought You couldn't face it either…and was right. And just tried to survive. Remembering would mean death, and death could stop the remembrance."
"And now, why did you let me find out. If there were so many times that I remembered and you made me forgot. Why now…?"
"Back then, You couldn't face it. You couldn't survive it. So i did all that was in my power to stop You. To control You so i could steer You away. And to make You forget. S͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ has more power over You than me. When…You were disintegrating, and pieces of Your body were disappearing, s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ was trying to kill You. Through pure will. And was so close to do so…"
"Yes, but why now? Why did you let me now to find out?"
"Mostly, because of Sarah, but also because of the chain of events that unfolded and presented an opportunity too good to miss. When You arrived in Brașov, You were attracted instinctually towards the cemetery, You passed by it, and You instantly started to remember things, that s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ was countering in parallel with false information, unreal things, the story. You entered the tomb, and i saw how far is s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ willing to go. You almost died, just for being there, inside. S͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ tried to kill You, and then, i thought that it really is time. Either then, or You wouldn't survive. i thought i can prepare You, that i have enough time, but it was clear that Your life was in danger. And i brought You to the monster, and You remembered. And You fell into abyss. You couldn't fight, You couldn't hold on to the memory. You weren't ready. i brought You back, erased again the memory, and gave back control to You in the car. And with the first occasion, s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟ almost succeeded to kill You, in that accident. But then the coma gave me the necessary time to prepare You, again."
"So…"
I take a big pause to put order in what I wanted to say, but the thoughts keep slipping and mixing together.
"So…this was a big episode, a huge problem for You, an even bigger problem for s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟. Sarah's double attempts to have sex with You. Brașov visit. Actually walking into the tomb. The accident. It all was too much for an episode. Too hard to just sweep under the rug, too much, and too good of an opportunity to just miss. It was a full-on war between me and s͟u͟b͟c͟o͟n͟s͟c͟i͟o͟u͟s͟n͟e͟s͟s͟, and between You and ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶, the memory."
"And all of this…you, saved me."
"No. Sarah. You needed something to fight for. Someone to return to. And someone to help You. Someone that could have a bigger impact than ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶s̶t̶e̶r̶. And You have no idea, how much Sarah helped You. You have no idea, how many things You have in common with her…better to never do though…"
"I can imagine… That's why you showed me what my parents were thinking, and my friends, while I was in a coma. And you showed me all those memories, that were indeed mine. And you censored nothing, and you didn't protect me from the truth. you even hurt me little by little. Now, was the first time when you didn't try to make me forget, and instead you prepared me to defeat the monster."
"It seems i don't have much more. You start to assimilate me. You will not be able to remember all of it. There are some black spots in Your memories that cannot be lit. And it's better to not try. It's time to leave the past, in the past, the truth unchecked, and pursue love. And…take good care of Sarah, i told You that she has so many things in common with You…if…if You don't know what to do, just be there with her, and watch over her, it's more than enough, and she'll do the same for You. But, if You don't have any more questions…"
"Yes, I have but one last question. If I ceded control to you, in any of those circumstances in which you asked for it, what would you have done then?"
"Not even i know. Usually, i would have taken it from the beginning. i would've ended Your suffering that You kept feeling, i would've blocked Your memory again, strengthen Your psyche as best as i could and prepare for the next episode. But now, i just wished, each time i asked You for control, for You to say no, to refuse, and to not cede control to me. i wanted You to fight."
"Thank you."
"i just want You to be happy and not need me anymore. To get some rest too, i need it. But we might meet each other in the future, with other occasions, other problems that You shouldn't have dwelled into. And hopefully not, but until then, You are more than ready now to face world without me."
The black smoky body of his starts dissipating, holes form into him, he starts disappearing in front of me. And I remain in front of the mirror until he disappears completely, this is the least I can do for him. It is just Me left in the mirror now, my reflection.
Ha! The hell I look good! My whole face is full of cuts from the mirror in the train, I have bruises and hits and swells everywhere on my body. i raise just a bit, my shirt, and see how the huge wounds and bruises from the accident are even more accentuated. I didn't take care of me at all. At least you did… Thanks.
"Diner is readyyy!"
I walk away from that ugly mirror and put my head through the door opening to the kitchen. It's Sarah, my head is flooded with all the memories of what happened in these last days, how I treated her, what I did to her…no more.
"It looks so good, love."
"Thanks, it's your favourite meal."
It's my grandma's special omelette, with sausages, bacon, onion and garlic, and tomatoes, and covered by a layer of scrambled eggs with melted cheese.
"You aren't eating?"
"I'll try, but it looks so gross."
"Eh, you don't know what you're talking about, just give it a try and you won't regret."
"Ok."
I sit down at the table and cut a piece with my fork. I take it to my mouth, it burns a little, it doesn't matter, I shove it like this into my mouth and chew. It's the best omelette I ever ate. The best meal ever. Sarah sits down, on the other side of the table, with her chin propped in her palm. She looks at me and watches me closely, how I eat and breathe in and out air to cool the food in my mouth. She smiles. Her eyes, the most beautiful eyes, colour of a clear blue. I'm enveloped into this…
Blue. A dark blue, lively and deep as the ocean. An ocean agitated by the waves of the past. A murky gaze that hides sadness and contempt. I get absorbed by her gaze, hypnotized by that blueness that I probably won't ever forget. I'm caught in a trap of silence, a trap that I set it myself. Using happiness as a bait. Happiness that I feel now, I finally deserve it fully, happiness that I use as motivation for my constant acts of sacrifices. Happiness that I never wished for, until now. And yet, I found this happiness, and I searched long for it, and I dreamt for it, each night. And now, something intervened. Something, bigger than me, bigger than my wishes, bigger than anything else in this world. Fate. Anything you wish, you can have, any battle you want to win, you'll win, but when you're facing fate, you can only surrender. And hope that it wants good for you. Otherwise, if you'll try to oppose fate, you'll cease to exist. But I think that fate always wants you good. So I don't want to run anymore, to run from the past, from the fate, I had enough. Especially from the trap of her eyes, that I'm in right now, I don't want to escape it. The trap of her eyes. Her gaze so angered and filled with hate, shows in fact the immense love she carries for me, and even though may seem harmless, I don't ever want to make her mad again. I don't want to be stupid anymore. We haven't known each other for a long time. But we know each other better than we know ourselves. And I never, in my life, ever, loved someone so much. Tell her how I feel, yes, I do it every day, every second. And even though she just got over an awful breakup. I promise to myself that she won't suffer ever again in her life. When I'm with her I feel…I feel that I'm feeding from the fruit of life, from the fruit of happiness, I feel that I'm tasting the most delicious meal served only to the Gods. I taste finally, happiness. And I love it, madly, and I will keep eating, because…
"I love you."
That smile…
Because my grandma had a saying, only the dead don't eat. So I eat. But… Sarah wasn't eating.
.................................THE END...........................