"Esther!" i called. it was like heaven flogged me in my heart since Esther resumed back to school. The first day i met her sorting things out at the chaplain's office. I was with Khadijah and our team. She resumed on the day of our vigil and she was on the forefront of all the things that bugged my mind during the prayers. Words like:
You abandoned a divine relationship for a destructive one. You are hating on the wrong person. You hurt the one who truly cared about you. You are praying yet you are so full of sexual immorality. How do you expect God to hear you? I had all the truths i needed inside of me and so my conscience was like the thoughest to silent. And today seeing her at the mart i could not stop myself from doing what i had to do. She turned to me, i had expected to see an angry friend but she had this bland face that i wished i deserved.
"Hey Wura!" She said in her usual high voice. My heart melted within me, What is going on here?
"Esther, i... wanted to say..." i paused, my throat momentumarily running dry. I was going to do it. I didn't know why. Maybe because i hardly speak to janet these days or the impact of my new office in the chapel. Whatever it was, no doubt, i was going to apologize to Esther for everything i had caused her in our one year of knowing each other.
"I wanted to say im sorry for evrything i've caused you, Esther." And that was it.
She smiled. " it's okay, wura."
"Aholah please. You sound like my mother." i said, relieved.
"Hm, okay, see you around." and she left. Who is teacher Esther Self love leasson? She has just done what she was meant to do. Leave everyone who always treats you like trash. Oh im such a ...
My tab beeped and Janet message popped at me.
"Hey babe, i miss you. how's every thing with you."
A part of me was happy that she reached out first.
"Tell me you could not live without me lovie." I sent back.
"Maybe not. Tell me about the new guy. i heard about your breakup with Peter."
"From where?!" For christ sake how fast do rumours spread in this school.
"Tell me you broke up for a reasonable reason because it seems like a repeated pattern here."
"Yes we broke up." i lied. "And theres no man. Who would want to go out witha bad person like me?"
"Bad person? Where is this coming from?"
I had to think of her question myself.
"I guess i'm getting too guilty for my sins and i need a savior."
"Ehm... Lemme help you."
"How please."
"Get another man whose name is Savior. Maybe such will stay." she jeered. I frowned, irritated.
"You don't have to be annoying everytime Janet. I was being honest with you concerning my deep feelings."
"And im just as lost as you are buddy." She jeered on.
"Stop!"
"No you stop. Stop all these guilt talk. You are not the only seventeen year old who is not a virgin.Even the socalled leaders you look up to in that school of yours cannot swear on their life that the haven't kissed a boy before. You are just passing througha very tempting phase of your life and i dont think anyone has the right to judg eyou for it. Did you create yourself?"
"I wish i could fully belive that?"
"pLease try."
"Janet, i want to die. I'm tiredof leaving a wasteful life. I feel like a waste Janet."
"NO nO No. Suicide will never be a part of your options. What are you saying?!"
"Girl go into that cafeteria in your school and get ypourself good food, make sure its the one you have been craving for and cannot afford. SEnd me the bills and ill have it settled."
"Awwwwn..." i blushed.
"You must be fine Aholah, yOu are like the sister i never had now."
"Thank you janet."
"Don't worry, i'll be at your school this weekend and trust me i won't be coming alone."
I smiled at the thought of seeing her again. She really is more than a sister.
I just hope all these would really help.
***
"For every single time that you give yourself to a man carnally, you share important portions of your destiny with him and when it is done at the wrong time like most of us do the devil uses that as an avenue to steal that destiny from us." Senior Khadijah had said during the podcast. She cose to discuss about sexual perversion and what the bible say on the first show of a youth podcast. For heaven's sake, is that not enough to chase intending listeners away? And i was just they behind the scene validating all they said with my bible knowledge yet dying inside for my guuiltiness.
Maybe what Janet said is true afterall. I would need to throw this guiltiness thing away before it kills me before my time. If i'm going to continue in my sins then why should i continually judge myself. That is death. Aholah, fear not. Just make sure no one finds out about you and you will be just fine.
We had about an hour prayer meeting after the show and everyone dismissed. I attended all my classes for the first time in a while and everything seemed to be going on well. My mum called as soon as the episode went online. Though was not part of the people on screen but because my name was tagged along with those crew members behind the scene she called to express how proud she was of me. That's what they want, be the good girl. I thanked God fir helping do my way and their way too, it seemed like an interesting ride already. I would have counted my new way of life as a blessing from God if not for my loud conscience that never cease to pry.
Anyway, Khadijah said we would be treating this topic for four weeks and our duty as hosts is to collect questions from our online viewers and fellow student to ask the host on the show.I can't be here but here i am. At least i'll be making my parents happy and fueling their boastings about me.
How can someone be useful and useless at the same time?