The walk home was long and agonizing. Every step reminded her that she would return to the confines of her thoughts. Her parents were home, and so were her stepbrothers. The thought of home was no longer the same as it had been before. It was a place of uncertainty and pain.
As she opened the front door, she heard the voices of her family coming from the living room. Her stepfather was talking loudly, while her mother spoke disparagingly about someone in the neighborhood. Lina sighed and retreated to her room, as if she could retreat to a safe space. But the pressure on her chest remained.
Sitting down on her bed made tears stream down her cheeks. Why did she feel so alone? Her thoughts drifted back to Lukas. It was hard to accept that he wasn't hers, that he had chosen someone else. The memories of their conversations, his kind words, and his smile haunted her.
At that moment, she reached for her phone and scrolled through the messages. Her interactions with Lukas had been like a ray of light in her darkness, and now it seemed as if that light had gone out. She opened the messaging app and stared at his name. The idea of writing to him made her nervous, but also excited.
Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. It was one of her stepbrothers, Tom. "Lina, are you okay?" he asked, looking worried.
"Yes, I'm fine," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady.
"Come on, we both know that's not true. You haven't really talked these last few days," Tom said, opening the door to sit down next to her.
Lina wanted to protest, but she found a small spark of comfort in Tom. "It's just all so much," she finally admitted, sorting through her thoughts.
"You know, sometimes it's okay not to feel okay," Tom said, looking at her. "You can talk to us if you want. I'm here."
It was a rare gesture from Tom that made Lina smile. Maybe that was what she needed right now—a little support from someone who wouldn't judge her.
"I'm just having some problems with friends," she explained hesitantly. "And I just feel lonely."
"Friends come and go, but we're family," Tom replied. "We'll always be there for each other. If you need anything, just ask."
Lina nodded, a part of her feeling a little lighter. It was nice to know she wasn't completely alone, even if the shards of her soul were still scattered in many places.
Tom stood up and patted her gently on the shoulder. "If you're ready, let's just hang out. Maybe we can play something or watch a movie. You know, to clear our heads."
"That sounds good," Lina said, finally smiling genuinely. Maybe she could get through the day without having to think about Lukas and all the other painful thoughts. She followed Tom downstairs, ready to immerse herself in something positive for a moment.
In the living room, Lina sat down next to Tom, who had already prepared the game console. The television flickered in a welcoming light, and the familiar surroundings helped her forget some of the stress and worries of the past few days. As Tom handed out the controllers, she thought about how important these small moments of happiness were to her, even if they were fleeting.
"Which game do you want to play?" asked Tom, browsing through the selection. "I hear the new racing game is really cool."
"Sounds good," she replied, trying to focus on the game instead of thinking about her conversations with Max and Lukas. The thought of Lukas being with Tim still hurt, but she didn't want to let those thoughts overwhelm her.
They played a few rounds, laughing and joking about their lackluster skills. It was a kind of distraction Lina desperately needed. For a short while, she could ignore the voice of her inner demons and simply enjoy being together.
But while she was engrossed in the game, she was suddenly distracted by a message on her phone. It was a notification from Lukas. Her heart leaped, and her fingers trembled as she picked up the phone. "Hey, Lina. I hope you're doing well. I just wanted to check in."
Lina's heart raced. His writing revived the memories of all the conversations they'd had and the feeling that he truly understood her. But at the same time, a wave of fear washed over her. What should she say? Should she tell him how bad she felt? Or should she appear strong and simply say that everything was fine?
"Hey, I'm fine," she finally typed hastily, but when she pressed "Send," she felt uncomfortable. It wasn't the truth. She continued to struggle with her emotions and the constant feeling of loneliness.
Tom noticed her distracted expression and paused the game. "Lina, are you okay? You're so quiet right now."
She forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm just thinking."
"You know you can talk to me, right?" he asked seriously. "I'm not just your brother, I'm also your friend."
"Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate it," she said, feeling a warm glow spread through her heart. It was nice that he cared. But deep down, she knew she couldn't share everything with him. It wasn't just the fear of burdening him, but also the shame of talking about her depression and her feelings.
As the game continued, Lina tried to clear her mind. The constant urge to respond to Lukas and the uncertainty about what he was really thinking were stressful. She couldn't decide whether it would be better to confess her feelings to him or avoid contact. The more she thought about it, the more she felt she was losing control of her thoughts and emotions.
Suddenly, she heard the sound of a message, and her heart leapt again. It was Lukas who had replied. "I heard you're having some problems with Max. If you want to talk about it, I'm here."
Lina felt torn. On the one hand, she wanted to tell him everything, but on the other, she was afraid of burdening him or hurting him even more. She thought for a moment before typing her reply: "It's complicated. Thank you for worrying."
As she pressed "Send," part of her was relieved, while the other was filled with fear. What if Lukas thought she was weak? What if he distanced himself further from her? But she wanted to be honest, and this was a step in the right direction.
As she waited for the reply, she felt the pressure in her chest rise again. It was the constant battle between the need to be strong and the deep despair that wouldn't let go. And while she was torn in that moment, she felt hope that maybe Lukas could be the one who would help her break through the darkness.
The news from Lukas buzzed in her head like an excited butterfly. Lina couldn't help but think about the possibility of finally seeing him again, and the idea of talking to him made her nervous. But she also knew it was a risky proposition, especially given the many feelings she harbored for him.
"What's wrong?" Tom asked, noticing the change in her expression. "You look like you just won the lottery."
"It's just Lukas," Lina murmured, trying to hide her excitement. "He asked if I wanted to come to the café tomorrow."
Tom looked at her with an interested expression. "Oh, that sounds good! What are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know," she confessed. "I have so many things on my mind, and I don't want to burden him with my problems."
"Don't worry so much," Tom encouraged. "Just be yourself. That's all that matters. If he's really nice, he'll understand."
Lina nodded, even though her inner doubts didn't subside. What if Lukas didn't like her, if he saw her insecurities? But the possibility of getting closer to him and maybe even finding some happiness was just too tempting.
"I think I'll say yes," she finally decided. Her voice sounded more convinced than she felt.
"That's the spirit!" Tom said, clapping his hands. "You'll see, this will be good for you!"
With her phone ready, she thought for a moment before typing her reply: "Sounds good! I'm looking forward to it."
"Sending" felt like a leap into the unknown, but it was also a step in a direction she'd long wanted to avoid. As she sent the reply, she felt a slight flutter in her stomach—a mixture of nervousness and anticipation.
Tom turned back to the console. "Come on, let's play the next few rounds before you potentially get your heart broken tomorrow!"
Lina smiled, swept away by the anticipation of the upcoming meeting with Lukas. It was as if, for a brief moment, she could cast off the weight of her depression. But deep down she knew that this slight glow wouldn't last long.
The evening passed quickly, and she lost herself in the games that temporarily distracted her mind. But when she went to bed, she couldn't sleep. Her thoughts kept circling back to Lukas, and she wondered how the meeting might go. She imagined going to the café, laughing with him, and maybe even talking about her worries.
But the more she thought about it, the more fear crept back into her mind. What if he didn't take her seriously? What if he turned away when he saw the real Lina?
As the night grew darker and sleep just wouldn't come, her asthma suddenly became more active. She felt the tightness in her chest return, a familiar but uncomfortable sensation. She sat up in bed and reached for her inhaler to relieve the pressure.
The fresh air flooded into her lungs, helping to ease the panic building inside her. She leaned back and tried to calm her thoughts. The pressure of the upcoming meeting with Lukas was overwhelming, but she knew she had to try.
"There's always a way out," she remembered Lukas saying. Perhaps he would be the key to a new chapter in her life. But at the same time, uncertainty gnawed at her, and she wondered if she was ready to show her vulnerability in front of someone who could potentially become even closer to her.
Finally, as fatigue overcame her, she fell into a restless sleep, her dreams oscillating between hope and fear.