We sat in the crater. Broken. Grass-stained. Debating if we had internal bleeding or just crippling emotional leaf damage.
Then… we saw it.
A door.
Not attached to anything. Just standing upright in the middle of the crater. Doing absolutely nothing.
> "Is it... broken?" Kevin asked. "It's a door. It's not supposed to do things," Lyria replied.
Arc floated over and tapped it with the hilt of his spectral form. The door shuddered. Then spoke.
> "Why do you exist?" it asked in a posh, condescending tone.
We froze.
> "Excuse me?" I blinked. "Why do you exist? You've failed upward into nonsense. You're emotionally unstable, narratively chaotic, and allergic to peace. So I ask again... why do you exist?"
Grubnuk burst into tears. Clucksworth flapped dramatically. Greg began listing accomplishments that didn't help.
> "Okay rude," Lyria snapped.
The door wasn't done.
> "Do you think destiny chose you, or did you just stumble through it like a goose in a mirror shop?"
Arc sighed.
> "Can we NOT be roasted by architecture today?"
Kevin poked it.
> "Can we go through you now?"
> "I don't open. I enlighten."
> "Then I'm going to enlighten you with my foot," I muttered.
And before anyone could stop me—I drop-kicked the door.
Everything went white.
We screamed. Time bent. Kevin honked in slow motion. Greg turned inside out emotionally.
And then—
We landed.
Right in front of Mortax. Who was mid-nap.
He blinked. Stared at us. Sniffed the air.
> "Did the narrative yeet you across the continent again?"
> "No," I said, groaning. "A door insulted our souls and launched us like plot missiles."
Mortax sighed deeply. He got up. Made tea. Didn't ask further.
> "The script's unraveling again, isn't it?"
> "Yes."
> "And the door?"
> "Still standing. In the crater. Probably judging birds."
Mortax handed me a cup of something suspiciously calming.
> "We'll talk after you nap. You look like a metaphor got personal."
---
End of Chapter 34 (Door judged. Team launched. Mortax mildly inconvenienced.)