Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
Kids Roast Adult Problems: "Why Are Grown-Ups Like This?" – The Epic, No-Holds-Barred Edition
Inspired by the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Scene: The Epic Snack Summit
Picture this: A roundtable loaded with pizza, juice boxes, and every snack you wish you had in your lunchbox. The room is buzzing with kid energy, but today, the grown-ups are the ones on the hot seat. The topic? All the "serious" adult problems that kids see, hear, and sometimes get dragged into—whether they want to or not.
No time-outs. No "because I said so." No getting sent to your room. Just pure, unfiltered kid wisdom, sarcasm, and truth bombs. Buckle up, because this is about to get real, and really funny.
1. Money Madness: Bills, Budgets, and the Great Coffee Conspiracy
Kid 1:
"Adults say money doesn't grow on trees, but they act like it falls out of the coffee machine. Every time we go to the store, it's 'We can't afford that'—but then they buy a coffee that costs more than my allowance for the month! If I saved all the money spent on coffee, I could buy a spaceship. Or at least a really cool bike."
Kid 2:
"My parents talk about 'the budget' like it's a monster under the bed. But then they buy stuff on sale and call it 'saving money.' If you're spending, how is that saving? I tried that logic with cookies and got grounded."
Kid 3:
"Why do adults always say, 'Don't worry about money, that's grown-up stuff'? But then they argue about it in front of us anyway. If you don't want us to worry, maybe don't yell about bills while we're eating spaghetti."
2. Politics: Debates, Drama, and the Never-Ending Election
Kid 4:
"Politics is like the world's worst game of dodgeball. Nobody agrees on the rules, everyone's yelling, and somebody always ends up crying. And just when you think it's over, they start campaigning for the next election."
Kid 5:
"My parents say 'vote for kindness,' but then I see them arguing with strangers on Facebook about who should be president. If grown-ups can't even agree on pizza toppings, how are they supposed to run a country?"
Kid 6:
"Every time there's an election, the TV turns into a commercial for angry people. If I ran for president, my first rule would be: No yelling on TV. And free ice cream for everyone."
3. Work Woes: The 9-to-5 Grind and the Mysterious 'Zoom Call'
Kid 7:
"Adults say they work so hard, but half the time they're just staring at a screen and making faces. I watched my mom on a Zoom call—she was nodding, but I could tell she was playing Candy Crush."
Kid 8:
"'Bring Your Kid to Work Day' is just code for 'watch me type and pretend it's important.' If work is so hard, why do you need so many coffee breaks?"
Kid 9:
"My dad says he's 'in a meeting' but really he's just hiding from us in the garage. I caught him napping once. If I did that during class, I'd be in trouble."
4. Relationships: Love, Divorce, and the Great 'We're Just Talking' Lie
Kid 10:
"Grown-ups say 'we're just talking' when they're actually arguing. If I talked like that to my friends, I'd have no friends left."
Kid 11:
"My parents say 'love means never having to say you're sorry.' But then they say sorry all the time. Sometimes twice before breakfast."
Kid 12:
"Why do adults get divorced and then tell us it's 'for the best'? If it was for the best, why do they look so sad and eat so much ice cream?"
5. Health Hysteria: Diets, Doctors, and Dr. Google
Kid 13:
"Every week it's a new diet. Keto, paleo, vegan—next week, it'll be the 'only eat foods that start with Q' diet. If you want to be healthy, stop eating my Halloween candy."
Kid 14:
"Adults say 'don't Google your symptoms,' but then they do it and think they have every disease ever. I had a cough, and my mom said it might be the plague. It was just a popcorn kernel."
Kid 15:
"If you don't want to go to the doctor, don't make me go for every sniffle. I'm fine, I just don't want to eat broccoli."
6. Social Media: Likes, Follows, and the Great Filter Fiasco
Kid 16:
"Adults say 'don't spend too much time on screens,' but then they're on their phones all day. My mom takes more selfies than I do."
Kid 17:
"Why do grown-ups care so much about likes? If I got a dollar for every time my mom checked her notifications, I could buy Roblox."
Kid 18:
"They say 'be yourself,' but then use filters that make them look like cartoon dogs. If I did that at school, I'd get sent to the counselor."
7. The News: Breaking News, Breaking Nerves
Kid 19:
"The news is just adults yelling about stuff I don't understand. If it's not about puppies or space, I'm out."
Kid 20:
"Every time something happens, it's 'breaking news.' If everything is breaking, maybe you should fix it."
Kid 21:
"Why do adults watch the news and then get mad? If it makes you angry, turn it off and watch cartoons with me."
8. Rules, Rules, and More Rules (That Don't Make Sense)
Kid 22:
"'No eating in the living room'—but then you eat popcorn on the couch during movie night. Hypocrisy, much?"
Kid 23:
"If I have to ask before I go outside, why do you get to just leave whenever you want?"
Kid 24:
"Why can't I have dessert before dinner? What if I get hit by a meteor before I finish my broccoli?"
9. Stereotypes: Who Decided This Stuff Anyway?
Kid 25:
"Girls can't play video games? Tell that to my high score."
Kid 26:
"Boys don't like pink? My favorite hoodie is pink and it's awesome."
Kid 27:
"All teenagers are lazy? Then why do I have three hours of homework every night?"
10. Adult Hypocrisy: The Ultimate Plot Twist
Kid 28:
"You say 'tell the truth,' but then you make up stories about the Tooth Fairy."
Kid 29:
"You say 'don't yell,' but then you yell at the TV, the dog, and sometimes the blender."
Kid 30:
"You say 'be patient,' but you honk if the car in front of you doesn't move in two seconds."
The Kids' Epic Final Verdict
"If adults want us to act like grown-ups, maybe they should try acting like grown-ups first."
"If you want us to listen, stop making up rules you don't follow."
"If you want us to be honest, stop telling us stories about magical rabbits and elves."
"If you want us to eat healthy, stop hiding snacks in your sock drawer."
"If you want us to be kind, maybe try it yourself—especially in traffic."
"And if you want us to care about politics, try making it less boring and more like Mario Kart."
Bonus Roasts:
"If you're so tired, maybe take a nap instead of telling me how tired you are."
"If you want to fix the world, start with your own room. That's what you tell me, right?"
"If you want to solve problems, maybe listen to kids. We have ideas—like more recess and less yelling."
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for giving us the courage to say what we're all thinking (and for not telling our parents). For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
End Scene: The Snack Summit continues, with kids plotting their own campaign for world peace, more pizza, and a ban on broccoli before dessert.