Chapter 3: The Vegetable Conspiracy
Scene: The Dinner Table Tribunal
Colonel Mustard (the Common Sense Condiment) sits at the head of the table, a plate of untouched broccoli in front of him. A Kid, armed with a fork and a skeptical look, faces off against Mr. Green Thumb, the official spokesperson for the International Idiocracy of Vegetable Enforcement, wearing a tie covered in carrots.
Colonel Mustard:
Order! Today's hearing tackles the age-old question: Why do vegetables taste like punishment? Mr. Green Thumb, you're accused of forcing kids to eat things that look like tiny trees but taste like bitter sadness. How do you plead?
Mr. Green Thumb:
Guilty as charged! Vegetables are essential for health. They're packed with vitamins and fiber. Kids just don't appreciate their nutritional value.
Kid:
Objection! Nutritional value doesn't explain why broccoli tastes like a forest threw up on my plate. If vitamins were delicious, I'd eat candy all day.
Colonel Mustard:
Point taken. Mr. Green Thumb, can you explain why vegetables look like they're trying to escape the plate?
Mr. Green Thumb:
Well, vegetables are natural. They grow in dirt. They're not meant to be sweet like candy.
Kid:
So you're saying I have to eat dirt-flavored food to be healthy? That's like telling me to drink mud for hydration.
Colonel Mustard:
Classic Idiocracy move: confusing "natural" with "delicious." Mr. Green Thumb, do you have any evidence that kids actually like vegetables?
Mr. Green Thumb:
Some kids do! But most need encouragement. Maybe a little ranch dressing?
Kid:
There it is—the truth. You're bribing us with ranch to eat something we hate. That's not encouragement; that's a bribe. If you want us to eat veggies, make them taste good or don't bother.
Colonel Mustard:
Let's examine the evidence. Exhibit A: Kids eat vegetables only when disguised as pizza toppings or French fries. Exhibit B: The phrase "Eat your vegetables" is the most ignored command in history. Exhibit C: Adults pretend they love vegetables but secretly drown them in cheese.
Mr. Green Thumb:
But vegetables are good for your eyes, skin, and brain!
Kid:
If vegetables are so good for my brain, why do I feel smarter after ice cream?
Colonel Mustard:
Touché. Kid, what's your solution to the vegetable conspiracy?
Kid:
Simple. Stop pretending vegetables are fun. Admit they're gross. Then, either make them taste good—like roasting with spices—or let us have dessert first so we don't feel betrayed.
Mr. Green Thumb:
But that's not how it's always been!
Kid:
And that's why it's always been wrong.
Colonel Mustard:
Final verdict: The vegetable conspiracy is real, but it's fixable. Adults need to stop forcing dirt-flavored torture and start getting creative. Kids will eat what tastes good, not what's "good for them."
Mr. Green Thumb:
Can I still wear my carrot tie?
Kid:
Only if you promise to bring ranch.
Colonel Mustard:
Case closed! Remember, nutrition without flavor is just punishment. Let's make veggies great again—one honest bite at a time.
Later, Mr. Green Thumb experiments with roasted veggies and a side of ranch. The Kid cautiously tries a bite and nods approvingly. Colonel Mustard raises his glass of water in salute.
Colonel Mustard (voiceover):
The truth about vegetables? They're not the enemy—bad cooking is. With a pinch of honesty and a dash of flavor, even broccoli can become a friend.