Li Wei was starting to think the universe had a personal grudge against him. Transcendent Brews was a warzone-in-waiting, with five Black Tiger Sect cultivators—led by the wiry, bearded Elder Claw—glaring at his glowing espresso machine like it was the holy grail. The machine, which had decided to go full sci-fi with its humming and lotus-shaped steam, was pulsing with spiritual energy, thanks to Senior White's coffee-stained talisman, now sparking like a live wire. The tiny storm cloud above it was the size of a beach umbrella, crackling with lightning that made the air taste like ozone. Soft Feather was practically vibrating with excitement, Song Shuhang was clutching a talisman and looking like he regretted his life choices, Su Clan's Sixteen had her sword drawn, and Doudou was barking taunts at the intruders. Venerable Spirit Butterfly sipped his flat white, his calm demeanor somehow scarier than the Black Tiger Sect's threats. Thrice Reckless Mad Saber, naturally, was making things worse, chanting "Fight! Fight!" from a corner table.
Li Wei gripped his broom, eyeing Elder Claw. "Look, old man, I don't know what you think my coffee maker is, but it's not an artifact. It's a De'Longhi. It makes espresso, not miracles. Can you take your sect drama somewhere else?"
Elder Claw's beard twitched, his aura flaring like a furnace. "Insolent mortal! That machine is a spirit artifact, awakened by your elixirs! Surrender it to the Black Tiger Sect, or we'll tear this shop apart!"
Li Wei groaned, his patience thinner than his coffee filters. "Tear it apart? I just mopped the floor! You want coffee, fine. You want my machine? Over my dead body."
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped forward, her short sword glinting. "You heard him. Back off, or you'll deal with the Su Clan."
Song Shuhang nodded, his talisman glowing faintly. "And the Nine Provinces Number One Group. We don't let our friends get bullied."
"Friends?" Li Wei muttered, glancing at Song Shuhang. "We met yesterday, dude. But sure, thanks for the backup."
Doudou hopped onto the counter, his fluffy tail wagging. "Yeah, old man, buzz off! This shop's under dog protection. Mess with Barista Guy, and I'll bite your ankles."
Elder Claw snarled, raising a hand that crackled with black qi. "Fools! You think you can defy the Black Tiger Sect? Attack!"
The five cultivators lunged, their weapons—swords, a spear, and a glowing whip—flashing with spiritual energy. Su Clan's Sixteen moved like a blur, her sword clashing with Sister Lin's whip. Song Shuhang tossed his talisman, which exploded into a shield of light, blocking a spear thrust. Soft Feather giggled, tossing butterfly-shaped charms that burst into dazzling sparks, tripping up a sword-wielding goon. Doudou barked, unleashing a wave of qi that sent another cultivator stumbling. Venerable Spirit Butterfly just sipped his coffee, watching like a parent at a school play.
Li Wei, meanwhile, was swinging his broom like a baseball bat, fending off a Black Tiger Sect goon who'd gotten too close to the counter. "Stay away from my machine!" he yelled, smacking the guy's shin. The goon yelped, hopping back, and Li Wei realized he was actually holding his own—mostly because the cultivator was distracted by the espresso machine's glow.
Speaking of the machine, it let out a loud hum, and a burst of steam shot out, forming a glowing lotus that hovered in the air. The lotus pulsed, and a wave of spiritual energy swept through Transcendent Brews, making everyone pause. The Black Tiger Sect cultivators froze, their weapons trembling, while Su Clan's Sixteen and Song Shuhang exchanged confused looks.
"What the hell was that?" Li Wei said, staring at the machine. "Did my coffee maker just… flex?"
Senior White looked up from his talisman, his serene smile unshaken. "Fascinating, Fellow Daoist Li. Your machine is channeling the talisman's energy. It's forming a rudimentary spirit consciousness."
Li Wei's jaw dropped. "A spirit consciousness? It's a coffee maker, not a monk! Make it stop!"
But the machine had other ideas. It let out another hiss, and a stream of glowing coffee grounds shot out, swirling into the air like a tiny galaxy. The grounds formed a pattern—a vague, shimmering coffee cup shape—and slammed into Elder Claw's chest. The old man staggered, his aura flickering, and his scowl melted into a dazed expression. "This… this power…" he mumbled, clutching his chest. "It's like my qi is… harmonized."
Li Wei blinked. "Harmonized? It's coffee grounds! You got hit with a faceful of decaf!"
But the other cultivators were staring, awestruck. Sister Lin dropped her whip, her eyes wide. "The artifact… it's defending the shop! Transcendent Barista, you truly are a hidden master!"
"There's no master here!" Li Wei shouted, but the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat was already blowing up:
Soft Feather : Transcendent Barista's machine fought back! It blasted Elder Claw with spiritual coffee grounds! This shop is alive!
Doudou : Yo, that was badass! @Transcendent Barista, your coffee maker's got more fight than half this group.
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Ha! Told you he's an immortal! @Transcendent Barista, make that machine my sparring partner!
Su Clan's Sixteen : That wasn't normal. @Transcendent Barista, your coffee's doing things it shouldn't. Explain.
Li Wei groaned, ignoring his buzzing phone. "Explain? I'm as confused as you are! This thing's supposed to make lattes, not kung-fu coffee!"
Senior White stood, his talisman glowing brighter. The storm cloud above it was now the size of a small car, rumbling ominously. "I believe the talisman amplified your machine's latent energy, Fellow Daoist Li. Your coffee grounds carry a trace of the Dao, and the machine is channeling it."
Li Wei threw his hands up. "Dao? It's Colombian roast from Costco! Stop making my life weirder!"
But the machine wasn't done. It let out a loud *clang*, and a jet of espresso shot out, hitting a Black Tiger Sect cultivator in the face. The guy screamed, flailing, but then stopped, his expression turning blissful. "This… this taste," he mumbled, licking his lips. "It's like my meridians are singing!"
Li Wei stared, horrified. "My machine's assaulting people with coffee now? I need a lawyer."
Soft Feather clapped, dodging a stray spark from Senior White's talisman. "It's protecting you, Transcendent Barista! Your shop is a sacred ground!"
"It's a coffee shop!" Li Wei yelled, but the cultivators weren't listening. The Black Tiger Sect goons were now sipping coffee grounds off their robes, looking like they'd found nirvana. Elder Claw was muttering about "the Dao of balance," and even Sister Lin was back to sipping her flat white, her whip forgotten.
Su Clan's Sixteen sheathed her sword, her sharp eyes on the machine. "Fellow Daoist Li, that thing's not just a machine anymore. It's… alive, in a way. You sure you don't know what's going on?"
Li Wei groaned, slumping against the counter. "I'm sure I just wanted to pay my rent, not run a haunted Starbucks."
Venerable Spirit Butterfly set down his cup, his voice calm but piercing. "This is no coincidence, Fellow Daoist. Your coffee, your machine, this shop—they're connected to something greater. Perhaps you're more than you claim."
Li Wei pointed at him. "Don't you start, butterfly guy. I'm a barista, not a sage. I don't do 'greater.'"
Doudou barked, hopping onto the counter. "Yeah, right. Your coffee's got spirit beasts like me buzzing, and your machine's throwing punches. You're a bigshot, Barista Guy, whether you like it or not."
Before Li Wei could retort, the espresso machine let out a deafening roar, and a massive burst of steam filled the shop, forming a glowing lotus the size of a table. The lotus spun, sending out waves of spiritual energy that knocked the Black Tiger Sect cultivators flat. Elder Claw hit the floor, his beard singed, and muttered, "I yield… the artifact is too powerful."
Li Wei stared, his broom falling from his hands. "Okay, that's it. I'm unplugging this thing before it starts a cult."
But Senior White's talisman chose that moment to flare, and the storm cloud above it unleashed a bolt of lightning that struck the machine. The shop shook, the windows rattled, and a faint crack appeared in the ceiling. The machine glowed brighter, and a voice—deep, resonant, and distinctly caffeinated—echoed from it: "Brew… the Dao…"
Li Wei's jaw hit the floor. "Did my coffee maker just *talk*?"
Soft Feather squealed, Song Shuhang froze, and Su Clan's Sixteen drew her sword again. Doudou howled with laughter, and Thrice Reckless shouted, "I knew it! It's a spirit beast! Barista, you're running a monster café!"
Senior White tilted his head, smiling. "Remarkable. Your machine has formed a true spirit, Fellow Daoist Li. This could be a new cultivation path."
Li Wei grabbed a coffee cup, chugging it like it was whiskey. "A cultivation path? I just wanted to sell lattes, not birth a coffee god. Somebody get me a stronger brew."
The Nine Provinces Number One Group chat pinged relentlessly:
Soft Feather : Transcendent Barista's machine SPOKE! It's a spirit artifact with a voice! This is the coolest shop ever!
Doudou : Ha! Told you Barista Guy's a bigshot. @Transcendent Barista, name that machine. It's gotta be, like, Coffee Immortal.
Venerable Spirit Butterfly : This is unprecedented. @Transcendent Barista, your shop is a nexus of spiritual energy. I'll investigate further.
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : I'm calling it now—Barista's starting a new sect! @Transcendent Barista, sign me up!
Li Wei slammed his phone face-down. "I'm done. I'm moving to a cave. No coffee, no cultivators, just me and some instant noodles."
But the machine hummed again, and another lotus of steam formed, hovering over the counter. The Black Tiger Sect cultivators bowed, muttering about "the will of the artifact," and even Elder Claw looked ready to swear loyalty. Su Clan's Sixteen sheathed her sword, her eyes on Li Wei. "You're in deep now, Fellow Daoist. That machine's not letting you stay 'just a barista.'"
Li Wei sighed, pouring another espresso. "Yeah, well, if it wants to run the shop, it can pay the rent. I'm clocking out."
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