Li Wei was officially out of patience, coffee grounds, and sanity. Transcendent Brews was still standing—barely—after the Black Tiger Sect's failed raid, but the shop felt like a circus that had caught fire and decided to keep performing. The espresso machine, now glowing like a disco ball and humming with a voice that sounded like a caffeinated monk, had just blasted Elder Claw with spiritual coffee grounds and declared "Brew… the Dao…" in front of a room full of awestruck cultivators. Soft Feather was calling it a "divine artifact," Song Shuhang was muttering about needing a break, Su Clan's Sixteen was eyeing the machine like it might sprout legs, and Doudou was barking suggestions for naming it "Coffee Immortal." Venerable Spirit Butterfly sipped his flat white, his calm gaze making Li Wei feel like he was being graded, while Thrice Reckless Mad Saber was trying to convince Sister Lin to join a "coffee duel." Senior White, the root of all chaos, was still tinkering with his glowing talisman, the storm cloud above it now the size of a small car and rumbling like a grumpy dragon.
Li Wei stood behind the counter, clutching a coffee cup like it was his last tether to reality. "Okay, let's recap," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "My coffee maker's haunted, my shop's a warzone, and everyone thinks I'm running a cult. Somebody tell me this is a bad dream, and I'll wake up with my student loans and a normal life."
Song Shuhang gave a sympathetic wince. "Sorry, Fellow Daoist Li. This is pretty normal for the Nine Provinces Number One Group. Last week, I fought a ghost spirit in a parking lot."
"Not helping, Shuhang," Li Wei muttered, glaring at the espresso machine. It let out another *hum*, and a puff of steam formed a glowing lotus that floated toward the ceiling, casting eerie shadows. The Black Tiger Sect cultivators, still sprawled on the floor, were bowing to it, muttering about "the artifact's will." Elder Claw, his beard singed, looked ready to swear fealty.
Soft Feather bounced over, her ponytail swinging. "Transcendent Barista, this is amazing! Your machine's a spirit artifact now! You should name it—maybe Lotus Brew or Dao Grinder!"
"It's a coffee maker, not a pet," Li Wei snapped. "And it's not supposed to talk! I just want to sell lattes, not babysit a possessed appliance."
Su Clan's Sixteen sheathed her sword, her sharp eyes on the machine. "It's more than an appliance now, Fellow Daoist. That spiritual energy… it's not normal. You sure you didn't do something to it?"
Li Wei threw his hands up. "Do something? I've been trying to keep it from exploding since Senior White turned my shop into a lightning rod!"
Senior White looked up, his serene smile unshaken. "My apologies, Fellow Daoist Li. The talisman was meant to enhance your coffee's essence, but it seems to have… overreacted." The storm cloud rumbled, and a bolt of lightning singed a nearby chair. Senior White tilted his head. "Hmm. Perhaps I should adjust the runes."
"No adjusting!" Li Wei yelled, pointing at him. "You're banned from talismans until I figure out how to un-haunt my machine!"
Doudou cackled, hopping onto the counter. "Good luck with that, Barista Guy. That thing's got more qi than half the cultivators here. Bet it's gonna start brewing elixirs on its own."
Li Wei groaned, rubbing his temples. "If it starts brewing anything, I'm selling it to the highest bidder and moving to a cave."
Before anyone could respond, the door jingled, and a new figure strode in—a tall man with a scholarly air, wearing a modern suit that somehow screamed "ancient cultivator." His eyes scanned the chaos, lingering on the glowing machine, then landing on Doudou. "Doudou, what have you gotten into now?" he said, his voice exasperated but fond.
Doudou's tail wagged. "Yo, Yellow Mountain! Check it out—Barista Guy's got a talking coffee maker! It's throwing spiritual punches!"
Li Wei's brain pinged: True Monarch Yellow Mountain, Doudou's owner and the group's unofficial babysitter. He sighed, already bracing for more nonsense. "Great, another one. You want coffee, suit guy? Or are you here to make my life weirder?"
True Monarch Yellow Mountain raised an eyebrow, glancing at the Black Tiger Sect cultivators, who were now kneeling to the espresso machine. "I see the group's been… active. I'm True Monarch Yellow Mountain, and I came to check on Doudou. But this…" He gestured at the machine, which let out a *hiss* and another lotus of steam. "This is intriguing. May I try your coffee, Fellow Daoist?"
Li Wei shrugged, too tired to argue. "Sure, why not. Flat white? Everyone's losing their minds over those." He started brewing, the machine's glow pulsing in time with his movements, like it was *enjoying* the attention. He muttered under his breath, "If this thing starts singing, I'm done."
As he worked, the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat lit up:
Doudou : Yellow Mountain's here! @Transcendent Barista, hook him up with the good stuff. His qi's all grumpy from dealing with me.
Soft Feather : True Monarch Yellow Mountain, you have to try the coffee! It's like drinking a spark of the Dao! The machine even talks now!
Thrice Reckless Mad Saber : Ha! Barista's machine's stealing the show. @Transcendent Barista, make it fight me next!
True Monarch Yellow Mountain : @Doudou, behave. @Transcendent Barista, I apologize for the chaos. I'll have whatever you recommend.
Li Wei groaned, sliding a flat white to True Monarch Yellow Mountain. "Here. Drink it and tell your dog to stop hyping my haunted appliance."
True Monarch Yellow Mountain sipped, and his eyes widened slightly. A faint ripple of qi pulsed around him, and his usual frown softened. "Remarkable," he said, glancing at Li Wei. "This coffee… it's stabilizing my qi. You're no ordinary barista, Fellow Daoist."
Li Wei pointed at him. "Don't start. It's just caffeine. No Dao, no mysteries, just beans."
But the machine had other ideas. It let out a loud *clang*, and a stream of glowing espresso shot out, hitting a Black Tiger Sect cultivator who'd been creeping toward the counter. The guy yelped, then froze, his expression turning blissful. "The artifact… it blesses me!" he mumbled, sinking to his knees.
Li Wei stared, horrified. "Blesses? It's assaulting people with coffee! I'm gonna get sued!"
Soft Feather clapped, dodging a stray spark from Senior White's talisman. "It's protecting the shop! Transcendent Barista, you're like a spirit beast tamer!"
"I'm a barista!" Li Wei yelled, but the cultivators weren't listening. Elder Claw stood, his singed beard trembling, and bowed deeply. "Transcendent Barista, we were wrong to challenge you. Your artifact is a divine treasure. The Black Tiger Sect will retreat… for now."
"For now?" Li Wei said, narrowing his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean? You coming back with more goons?"
Elder Claw's eyes glinted. "Our grand elder will hear of this. The Black Tiger Sect does not forget." He gestured to his followers, who shuffled out, still sipping coffee grounds off their robes like they were sacred relics.
Li Wei groaned, slumping against the counter. "Great. Now I've got a sect grudge and a talking coffee maker. My life's a soap opera."
Su Clan's Sixteen sheathed her sword, her gaze thoughtful. "You handled that better than expected, Fellow Daoist. But that machine… it's drawing attention. You need to figure out what's going on before more sects show up."
"Figure it out?" Li Wei said, gesturing at the machine, which was now humming a low, almost melodic tune. "I don't even know where to start! It's supposed to make coffee, not start a revolution!"
True Monarch Yellow Mountain set down his cup, his expression serious. "I agree with Sixteen. That machine's spiritual energy is unusual. I'll contact Medicine Master—he's the best alchemist in the group. He can analyze it."
Li Wei perked up. "Medicine Master? The nerdy guy with the notebook? Yeah, get him here. Maybe he can exorcise this thing."
Doudou cackled, lapping at his espresso. "Exorcise? That machine's your new best friend, Barista Guy. Bet it's gonna start brewing immortal-grade elixirs."
"Shut up, dog," Li Wei muttered, but Doudou just grinned, his tail wagging.
Senior White stood, his talisman now pulsing with runes that looked way too ominous for a coffee shop. The storm cloud above it was swirling faster, and a faint tremor shook the floor. "I believe the talisman's energy is stabilizing," he said, smiling. "But we should test it. Fellow Daoist Li, may I use more of your grounds?"
Li Wei's heart stopped. "No! No more grounds, no more talismans, no more anything! You're gonna blow us all to the moon!"
But Senior White was already sprinkling glowing coffee grounds onto the talisman, and the storm cloud let out a deafening *crack*. A bolt of lightning shot out, striking the espresso machine, which let out a sound like a gong. The shop shook, the windows rattled, and a wave of spiritual energy surged, knocking over a stack of cups. The machine's voice echoed again, louder this time: "Brew… the Dao… unite…"
Li Wei's jaw hit the floor. "Unite? What is this, a coffee cult? Somebody unplug that thing!"
Song Shuhang hesitated, then reached for the plug, but the machine let out a *hiss*, and a burst of steam pushed him back. Soft Feather squealed, "It's alive! Transcendent Barista, you're a legend!"
"I'm a barista!" Li Wei yelled, grabbing a wrench from under the counter. "And I'm shutting this thing down before it starts a religion!"
But the machine wasn't done. It let out another *roar*, and a stream of glowing espresso shot out, forming a shimmering coffee cup in the air. The cup pulsed, sending out waves of spiritual energy that made the cultivators gasp. True Monarch Yellow Mountain's suit fluttered, and his qi surged, like he'd just gotten a cultivation boost. Su Clan's Sixteen's eyes widened, and her sword hummed faintly. Even Venerable Spirit Butterfly paused, his butterfly hairpin glowing.
"This… is unprecedented," Venerable Spirit Butterfly said, standing. "Your machine is channeling a primal energy, Fellow Daoist. It's as if the Dao itself is manifesting through your coffee."
Li Wei groaned, brandishing the wrench. "There's no Dao! It's a malfunctioning coffee maker! I'm gonna smash it before it starts preaching!"
Doudou barked, hopping onto the counter. "Smash it? That thing's worth more than your shop, Barista Guy! Bet it could take on a tribulation!"
Thrice Reckless whooped in, dodging a stray spark. "Yeah, let it fight! I'm putting ten spirit stones on the machine!"
Li Wei turned to Song Shuhang, his voice desperate. "Shuhang, you're the reasonable one. Back me up—tell them this is insane."
Song Shuhang gave a weak smile. "I'd love to, Fellow Daoist, but… your coffee's doing things I can't explain. My qi's been stable all day, and now this machine's… talking. Maybe it's special?"
"Special?" Li Wei said, waving the wrench. "It's possessed! I'm one step away from calling a priest!"
Su Clan's Sixteen stepped closer, her expression calm but curious. "You might want to hold off on that, Fellow Daoist. That machine's energy… it's not hostile. It's like it's trying to help you."
"Help me?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "It's starting fights and preaching about the Dao! That's not help, that's a lawsuit!"
Before anyone could respond, the door jingled, and Medicine Master strode in, his scholarly face buried in a notebook. He was followed by a petite woman with glasses—his wife, Riverly Purple Mist, Li Wei's brain supplied. Medicine Master looked up, his eyes locking onto the glowing machine. "Fellow Daoist Li, I got Yellow Mountain's message. This is the artifact?" He pushed up his glasses, already pulling out a glowing jade tool. "I need samples—grounds, steam, everything."
Li Wei perked up, hope flickering. "Yes! Nerd guy! Fix my machine! It's haunted, it's talking, and it's gonna get me killed!"
Riverly Purple Mist smirked, leaning against the counter. "Haunted, huh? Sounds like you've got a lively shop, Barista. Mind if I try a latte while we're here?"
Li Wei sighed, starting a latte. "Sure, why not. Everyone else is losing their minds, might as well join the party." He worked fast, the machine's glow pulsing brighter, like it was watching him. He slid the latte to Riverly Purple Mist, muttering, "If this thing starts singing, I'm out."
Medicine Master circled the machine, waving his jade tool, which beeped like a Geiger counter. "Fascinating," he muttered, scribbling notes. "The spiritual energy is off the charts. It's like a nascent spirit artifact, but… different. Fellow Daoist Li, where did you get this?"
"Costco," Li Wei said, deadpan. "Ten years ago. It was on sale with a free mug."
Medicine Master blinked, then jotted that down. "Costco… a hidden realm? I'll investigate." He turned to the machine, which let out a *hum* and another lotus of steam. "This spirit… it's tied to your coffee. I need to test the grounds."
Li Wei groaned, handing over a bag of beans. "Test away, but if it blows up, you're paying for the damages."
As Medicine Master worked, the Nine Provinces Number One Group chat pinged:
Medicine Master : The machine's energy is unprecedented. @Transcendent Barista, your coffee grounds are the key. I'll need more samples.
Riverly Purple Mist: This latte's divine. @Transcendent Barista, you're wasted as a mortal. Join the alchemy path!
Soft Feather : Medicine Master's here! @Transcendent Barista, your machine's gonna be famous! Name it Lotus Brew!
Doudou : Yo, Barista Guy, your shop's a legend. @Transcendent Barista, make that machine my wingman.
Li Wei slammed his phone down. "I'm not naming it anything! It's a coffee maker, not a rock star!"
But the machine let out another roar , and a wave of spiritual energy surged, making the shop tremble. The storm cloud above Senior White's talisman flared, and a bolt of lightning struck the ceiling, leaving a scorch mark. The cultivators gasped, and True Monarch Yellow Mountain stepped forward, his aura calming the chaos. "Everyone, stay calm. Fellow Daoist Li, we need to contain this before it triggers a tribulation."
"Tribulation?" Li Wei said, his voice cracking. "Like, lightning-from-the-sky tribulation? In my shop?"
Senior White smiled, sprinkling more grounds onto his talisman. "It's unlikely, but the machine's energy is attracting heavenly qi. We should test it further."
"No testing!" Li Wei yelled, but the machine let out a final *boom*, and a massive lotus of steam filled the shop, glowing like a neon sign. The voice echoed again: "Brew… the Dao… ascend…"
Li Wei grabbed his wrench, ready to smash the machine, but Su Clan's Sixteen caught his arm. "Don't, Fellow Daoist. That thing's part of you now. Smashing it won't help."
"Part of me?" Li Wei said, incredulous. "It's a coffee maker! I'm not married to it!"
Soft Feather giggled, Song Shuhang sighed, and Doudou barked with laughter. Medicine Master looked up, his eyes gleaming. "Fellow Daoist Li, this is no ordinary machine. It's channeling your coffee's spiritual energy… and perhaps your own. We need to study you too."
Li Wei groaned, chugging another coffee. "Study me? I'm a barista, not a lab rat. Somebody get me a stronger brew before I lose it."
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