Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
Kids Roast Big Tech: "Privacy Promises, Algorithmic Overlords, and the Great Data Heist"
Inspired by the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Scene: Snack Table Tech Talk
"Alright, tech detectives, here's the scoop: Big Tech companies say they care about your privacy, but then they turn around and sell your secrets for more money than you'll ever see in your piggy bank. They want you to share everything, but then you get weird ads for stuff you only thought about. Let's get real—what do you think about all this? What would you say to the people running Big Tech?"
Kids' Honest Opinions
On Privacy Promises:
"If they care about my privacy, why do they know what I want for Christmas before I do?"
"My mom says not to talk to strangers, but my tablet talks to strangers all day."
"If I whisper 'pizza' in my room, I get pizza ads. Are there robots in my pillow?"
On Algorithmic Overlords:
"The algorithm is like the bossy kid at recess. It decides what you see, even if you don't want to see it."
"If I watch one cat video, suddenly my whole feed is cats. I like cats, but chill."
"Algorithms are just grown-up magic tricks. Except instead of rabbits, they pull out ads."
On the Great Data Heist:
"So, they want my birthday, my favorite color, and my location? Why don't they just ask for my diary?"
"If my data is so valuable, can I trade it for more Robux?"
"You say 'don't talk to strangers online,' but then you make me sign up for everything with my real name."
On Sharing and Oversharing:
"If I post a picture, my grandma likes it, my teacher sees it, and now I'm in a toothpaste commercial."
"Why do I have to agree to 100 pages of 'terms and conditions'? I just want to play a game, not sign a mortgage."
"Sharing is caring—unless you're sharing my secrets."
On Freedom of Speech (and Algorithm Approval):
"They say I can say anything, but if I say 'fart' too many times, I get banned."
"If the algorithm doesn't like my joke, nobody sees it. That's not fair!"
"Freedom of speech is cool, but freedom to see memes is better."
On Being the Product:
"If I'm the product, can I at least get a cut of the profits?"
"I thought I was playing games for fun, not to help someone buy a yacht."
"If you're going to use my data, at least send me some snacks."
On Reporting Privacy Violations:
"If an adult touches your privacy wrong, they tell you to point to the place on the doll. But when Big Tech touches my privacy, where's the pointer for that? Do I just point at my phone, my laptop, or the whole internet?"
The Kids' Final Verdict
"Big Tech is like the kid who says 'trust me' and then eats your lunch."
"If you want my secrets, you have to beat me at Mario Kart."
"Just let me have fun and stop being so creepy."
"If you want to know what I want, just ask. Or better yet, mind your own business."
"And seriously, where's the hotline for 'the algorithm touched my privacy'?"
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for giving us the courage to roast the robots and the grown-ups behind them. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.